I like monkeys.<\/p>\n
The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.<\/p>\n
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.<\/p>\n
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.<\/p>\n
I like monkeys.<\/p>\n
I took my 200 monkeys home.<\/p>\n
I have a big car.<\/p>\n
I\u00c2\u00a0 let one of them drive.<\/p>\n
His name was Sigmund.<\/p>\n
He was retarded.<\/p>\n
In fact, none of\u00c2\u00a0 them were really bright.<\/p>\n
They kept punching themselves in the genitals.<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
They punched me in the genitals.<\/p>\n
I stopped laughing.<\/p>\n
When I got home, I herded them into my room.<\/p>\n
They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment.<\/p>\n
They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.<\/p>\n
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.<\/p>\n
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:<\/p>\n
They all died.<\/p>\n
No apparent reason.<\/p>\n
They all just sort of dropped dead.<\/p>\n
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.<\/p>\n
God
\nDamn
\nCheap
\nMonkeys.<\/p>\n
I didn’t know what to do.<\/p>\n
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room.<\/p>\n
On the bed,<\/p>\n
In the dresser,<\/p>\n
Hanging from my bookcase.<\/p>\n
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.<\/p>\n
I tried to flush one down the toilet.<\/p>\n
It didn’t work.<\/p>\n
It got stuck.<\/p>\n
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.<\/p>\n
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.<\/p>\n
That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.<\/p>\n
It started to smell real bad.<\/p>\n
I had to pee but, there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber.<\/p>\n
I was embarrassed.<\/p>\n
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.<\/p>\n
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.<\/p>\n
I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.<\/p>\n
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.<\/p>\n
I had to extinguish the fire.<\/p>\n
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed and the odor wasn’t improving.<\/p>\n
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.<\/p>\n
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.<\/p>\n
I felt better.<\/p>\n
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.<\/p>\n
I told him I had a\u00c2\u00a0 wet one.<\/p>\n
He couldn’t take it either.<\/p>\n
I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.<\/p>\n
I finally arrived at a solution:<\/p>\n
I gave them out as Christmas gifts.<\/p>\n
My friends didn’t quite know what to say.<\/p>\n
They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.<\/p>\n
Ingrates.<\/p>\n
So I punched them in the genitals.<\/p>\n
God, I like monkeys.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,13,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-124","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kev","category-monkeys","category-what-i-did-today"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/124","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=124"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/124\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=124"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=124"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pouringbeans.com\/archive\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=124"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}