Avatar Improving songs: a how-to guide

Are you bored of listening to the same old songs, saying the same old things? Or maybe you’re bored of all the new songs, where the lyrics don’t seem to ever offer anything new? Don’t worry. I have just the thing for you.

Presenting, for the first time ever, my 100% proven and patented method for improving any pop song. Simply take any of the common pop song words from the left column of the table below, and replace it with the word on the right. The more words you replace, the better the song will be, guaranteed.

Please share below, in the comments, the songs you’ve improved with this groundbreaking method. Please also send payment by postal order or cheque to my home address.

Replace…With…Examples
HeartArseTotal Eclipse of the Arse by Bonnie Tyler
My Arse Will Go On by Celine Dion
Open Your Arse To Me by Madonna
YouHughHugh And Me Song by the Wannadies
She Loves Hugh (Yeah Yeah Yeah) by the Beatles
Hugh Stole The Sun From My Arse by the Manic Street Preachers
DancePranceLet’s Prance by David Bowie
Prance the Night Away by the Mavericks
The Safety Prance by Men Without Hats
DiePiePie Another Day by Madonna
Live and Let Pie by Wings
Never Say Pie (Give Me a Little Bit More) by Cliff Richard
NightFightDecember 1963 (Oh What a Fight) by the Four Seasons
Boogie Fights by Heatwave
Saturday Fight by Whigfield

Avatar Shoe FM – the return

“… and we’re back, back for another hour or so of the best boot-y-licious tunes you’ve heard since yesterday. Shoe FM is here for you and yours, and maybe even your neighbour too. Crank up that dial for the best in shoe and shoe-related music all day, every day.

As ever I am your host, coast to coast, Jazz Bungleton, ready and willing to satisfy your need for tweed. After all those flip-head bangers this morning I think it’s time we slowed down and indulged a little. There’s no need for the pace to fully drop though, we’ve gotta keep pushing through to the afternoon; that’s when things get shoe-per good.

This is your friendly reminder to check out our most recent podcast where martial arts actor Robin Shou picks out his top five desert island shoes. Even I was surprised with what was at number one and I can guarantee that shoe will be too.

Get cosy with your loved ones because we’re schmoozing out of the gate with a double bill of ‘All I Want is Shoe’ then ‘With or Without Shoe’ both by U2. Whilst I’ve got you in a vulnerable position take a little bit of ‘Shoe Got It’ by Roy Orbison with a pinch of ‘Miss Shoe’ by the Rolling Stones. Then as we’re approaching the hour it’s time to hold onto your brown brogues because Bryan Adams is going to ‘Run to Shoe’ before Bon Jovi needs to tell you that ‘Shoe Give Love a Bad Name’.

Edge of the seat stuff I can tell you.

If you want to be in with a chance to win a year’s supply of shoe polish courtesy of our superb sponsors, Kiwi, the world’s number one, then you need to call or email the station with the answer to this question: “who was trying to dress shoe up back in 1984?” Only by getting the answer right can you potentially qualify for our game ‘Shoe Do You Think You Are?’. Call or email now.

Sandra Qwango has a fresh platter of news laid out towards one o’clock, Bernie Boxfresh is here after two o’clock but to perk up your buns before they can get comfy George Harrison has a confession to make because he’s got his mind set on shoe. Take it away, George…”

Avatar Not number one

Occasionally, over the years, I’ve found myself in a conversation about what was at number one in the charts when I was born. These conversations come up from time to time, probably more often than they deserve to, usually prompted by a DJ on the radio talking about it.

For a long time my answer has been “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie, number one in the UK charts in early May 1984. That’s quite a fun song to be at the top when I was born and usually gets a laugh. Great. Everyone’s happy.

Yesterday I looked it up to see what else was in the charts that week, and was dismayed to find that I had somehow got it wrong.

“Hello” was a UK number one single, and Lionel Ritchie with his blind student making a creepy clay head had a run of six weeks at the top of the charts in spring 1984. But that run ended in April, and by Sunday 5 May Lionel’s informal greeting based ballad was only just in the top ten. The number one single when I was born was actually “The Reflex” by Duran Duran, which is nowhere near as much fun. As you can imagine, I was distraught.

To cheer myself up, I decided to see if my birthday number one was better than yours.

Kev

Let’s hope Kev is a fan of Frankie Goes to Hollywood because they were apparently everywhere in late July 1984. They were at number one with “Two Tribes”, and also at number three with the famously banned orgasm themed classic “Relax”. The rest of the top ten is mostly forgettable; at number two is a novelty single spin-off from The Young Ones, and the rest include Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper and Shakatak. I feel like I’m on safe ground here.

Ian

Well, this is disappointing. Number one in mid-November 1983 was “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel, a massive singalong smash hit. Adding insult to injury is the rest of the top ten, which contains at least another five stone cold hits: “Say Say Say” by Paul McCartney (and Jacko, but we’ll skim over that); “Love Cats” by the Cure; Men Without Hats’ ridiculous “Safety Dance”; “Karma Chameleon”; and even “All Night Long” by the very same Lionel Ritchie who callously abandoned me on my birthday.

In summary, then, I am disappointed that my birthday number one turns out to be a Duran Duran single, and not a very good one at that, and thanks to the fact that he basically cheated by being born in 1983, Ian wins.

Avatar Eternal (not the pop group)

How will you be remembered? What will be your legacy?

What small nugget of nonsense will you leave the world so they know that you were once here, plugging away through all of life’s shambles like everyone else? Most people think it’s easy enough to pop out of a couple of kids and job done, right?

While my legacy is currently encroaching on my status as ‘tallest person in my family’ and ruffling through cupboards looking for chocolate cereal, there is another way that I will be “fondly” (?) remembered for years to come.

My nieces have all collectively lost their minds, which is nice when you think about it; they could have lost them one by one but they chose to do it all at the same time like sisters. together as a family. Adorable. I’m so proud of them. They then decided to write a song, which is clearly inspired by me, and John sent me a video of them performing it. The internet doesn’t deserve that but what I will do is show you the lyrics to this timeless masterpiece. It’s so poignant that if that rumoured Papples reunion ever happens they may have to croon a cover of it.

Now all I need is someone to paint my beautiful visage next to a newly-commissioned big-chinned, bollock-necked MaGee with the lyrics surrounding me in a halo of light and my voyage to immortality will be complete.

Avatar Four Word Reviews – Music Box

Last month, Mariah Carey was cruelly denied the Christmas Number One yet again. In 1994, “All I Want for Christmas is You” was kept off the top spot by East 17’s “Stay Another Day”; in 2021 it actually reached number one the week before Christmas but was then bumped into second place by Ladbaby, whoever the hell they are. Hang in there, Mariah. You’ll do it one day. Until then, let’s set aside the best Christmas song ever recorded to spend some time with Music Box, Mariah’s third studio album, released in 1993.

I don’t think I need to introduce Mariah Carey. She’s one of the best selling female artists of all time, has a net worth in the vicinity of half a billion dollars, arguably influenced most of the vocalists you hear in the charts and every single person who has ever appeared on a TV talent show, and still retains such an air of mystery that Wikipedia doesn’t know what year she was born in.

Read More: Four Word Reviews – Music Box »

Avatar Four Word Reviews: The Colour of My Love

Ah! Celine Dion. Sometimes the random albums that arrive on my doorstep are a bit of a mystery, but we all know Celine Dion. One of the most popular artists the world has ever known, shifting more than 200 million albums worldwide, she isn’t just one of the biggest selling English acts of all time (although, yes, she is), but she achieved that having only learned to speak English around the age of 20, four or five years before The Colour of My Love was released, and continued releasing French-language albums in between her English releases. She also speaks and performs songs in Spanish, Italian, German, Latin, Japanese, and Mandarin Chinese. (Thanks, Wikipedia.)

What we have here is her second English language album, released in 1993, and the source of several of her biggest hits, The Colour of My Love.

Read More: Four Word Reviews: The Colour of My Love »

Avatar A song for Morten

Hello there. Chris here, from the chart-topping band The Papples. Thanks for joining me.

Years ago, when we were hard at work writing and recording songs for our third album, Pop Squared, we made a start on a song about the lead singer of Norwegian pop sensation A-Ha that never saw the light of day.

Well, lucky for you, every dog has his day, and every tired old half-baked Papples idea has its day too. I can now present to you the finished lyrics to a lost classic: “Everybody Fancies Morten Harket”.

Read More: A song for Morten »