We’re all trapped indoors these days, since the prime minister lost everybody’s house keys and we all found that the front door wouldn’t open any more. I’m sure that’ll all be sorted out soon, of course, and I’ll be able to take the bins out, but for the time being I’m not getting around much and neither is anyone else.
While I’m being kept inside, like a neglected dog, I find myself missing the north. I usually go north regularly and now I can’t, and it’s only when I can’t go that I suddenly find how important it is to me to immerse myself, on a regular basis, in its rich culture and its even richer gravies.
So, as a consolation in these difficult times, I’ve created this moving ode to the north. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that your cockles are warmed.
Thank you, or as they say in the north, ta.
21 comments on “Ode to the North”
This wouldn’t let me watch it because it says it’s private, it doesn’t like my face and I smell of rusty nuggets.
Privacy is good but that level of privacy is just downright rude. I apologise and have removed a layer of privacy, enabling you to take in the glory of gravy with your eyes.
Succulent.
This video made me so hungry my stomach loudly declared its need for pie and mash. And chips. Maybe some veg. Huckered down with a pint of gravy.
Huckered? What happens if you hucker something down?
Them’s good lookin’ eats. Just such a shame that the ingredient central to the piece, the gravy, is a lumpy mess.
Do you not have whisks in the south? Or even a fork you could give it a vigorous going over with?
And you call yourself a northerner.
With an attitude like that you’ll be very lucky if I make any more sexy gravy videos for you. I’ll keep them to myself in future.
It would be like a ‘sexy video’ where after 15 seconds, you realize the ‘sexy lady’ has let herself go and has really bad cellulite.
Have some self respect! 😀
I would like the record to show that I am distancing, both socially and normally, from Kevin’s comments. I am ludicrously happy with the sexy gravy videos and hope that more will arrive shortly.
Thanks mate. That’s hugely reassuring to know you’re on my side. #gravysquared
Lumpy gravy is a sin. Unless… unlesss the lumps are onions. Or bits of meat.
What if the lumps were meatballs? Would that be acceptable? You can’t have too much meat after all (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)
Wheeeeeeeeey! (What?)
The lumps in this video were super-trendy “micro meatballs”. You haven’t got them in the north yet but they’re all the rage round here.
Tiny angry meatballs you say? I can imagine Gordon Ramsay serving them. Well, I say serving, I mean more he’d throw a plate in your face and call you a c*nt for good measure.
Why are you imagining celebrity chefs physically abusing me, when what I’m asking you to imagine are tiny micro meatballs? All you had to imagine was little orbs of meaty delight mixed in to gravy. There was no need to think instead about me being decked by a TV personality.
Hang on a minute… tiny orbs of meaty delight? That sounds awfully familiar.
Also you zinged me in a previous comment so you do deserve the decking.
Familiar? Pah. It’s an utterly original idea of my very own. Undeck me at once, sir.
No no no, it definitely rings a bell. I need to go back through my litres of notes to work out just where the dang it is that it’s coming from.
I poured your notes down the sink the other day so you won’t find it.
Damn you! Those jugs were evaporating but they still contained some pretty important tidbits:
Free gibbon hugs at airports
Skeleton career guidance
YMCA donkey tribute
Upside-down vampire laughing stock
Gone, all gone because of you.
I’d reply, but I’ve already done a villainous laugh, pulled my cape over my head and disappeared.