Generosity (apples)

Blessed as we are to be alive in the year 2025 so that we can witness, ummm, the release of the Lego Gameboy after all this time. Praise be, we are blessed.

We’re also blessed for a number of reasons which I won’t go into here. That’s too boring. What isn’t boring is talking about apples, right?

Right?

Last year after we moved into the house, we noticed that one of our neighbours further down the street would regularly leave a box on a little table with a sign saying, ‘help yourself’ or, ‘free to a good home’. In said box were apples and sometimes pears. I took a couple home and they were delicious, all the more delicious because they were free.

Fast forward to a week ago and there’s a knock on the door. Our next door neighbour held a bag of apples in her hand, handed them to me and said, “if any pears from our tree happen to drop in your garden, take them. They may need a few days to ripen but otherwise they’re fine to eat.” Unbelievable generosity. I had ten free apples in my hand and carte blanche to gorge myself on pears. Pear gorge? Pear gorge.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon. I’m still making my way through the apples when there’s a knock on the door. The husband of the neighbour from the previous week hands me a black bin liner containing roughly twenty-five apples. Twenty-five! I have to ask.

“Does every house on this street have an apple tree apart from us?”

The neighbour laughs. “Possibly. Before the houses were built, this was an orchard. There are some houses that have plum trees, pear trees, cherry trees, all kinds of fruit.”

Out of all the fruit in the world, what did we get with our lovely house? A f*cking gooseberry bush. Nobody wants gooseberries. They’re about as versatile as a quince. I also now have to find some way of consuming twenty-five apples on my own because Vikki is more into strawberries and other berries. I’m not being ungrateful, I am super pleased to have free fruit in my fridge, and *somehow* I will chug my way through all dem apples. Look at me and be inspired.

Four Word Reviews: Classic Bruce Willis

Here in the Four Word Reviews auditorium, we are used to closing our eyes and listening, carefully and attentively, to two kinds of music. One is the album made in earnest that is unwittingly terrible. The other is the novelty album of knowingly substandard tunes. And then, every now and then, we get something else. Something that isn’t a novelty record, but perhaps isn’t a serious artist making a serious and earnest expression of their art either. Today we’re here to listen to one of those albums. Today we’re listening to “Classic Bruce Willis” by Bruce Willis.

I don’t know what this is.

Retirement thoughts

Now that we’re all middle-aged, there’s the lingering prospect of all the good stuff that you hear about but don’t get to experience until you reach a certain part of your life. Want some examples? How about pains in parts of your body that don’t make any sense (“I never use my little finger so why does it feel as though a lynx is trying to slash its way out of it?”), confusion when entering a room (“wait, wait… I was here to find the… banana, was it?”) or perhaps feeling out of touch in every possible way (“when did people stop using Netscape?”).

It’s inevitable. Though we may joke about being right on the fashions, it’s been some time since I was anywhere near the fashions; I’m barely in the same postcode let alone being right on them. Sigh. Can’t be helped.

There’s no time to sit and ruminate on how unnatural it feels looking through a Reddit post or ask why everyone dancing on Tiktok is going to destroy the human race, there’s so much to do before then. I’ve got to pay off the mortgage first, which means working until I’m probably in my 70’s given that the retirement age keeps going up. There’s also raising my second child (I’m reliably to blame for that one) which is about to begin any day now. Oh, and I still haven’t finished the garden. I think the gooseberry bush is dead.

When the weight of responsibility gets on top of me, I drive a hundred miles out of my way and stop to look at this view. Why? Because one day, I am going to buy it and build my dream home on it.

Now I know what you’re thinking and, you’re right, it is very small. Too small in fact. You have to think outside the box because otherwise your dreams will never come true. The Japanese have been getting by with very tiny pod or capsule hotels for years now. Here’s how it’s going to look:

The bedroom or, more accurately, the standing bed. I think it’s asking too much for the entire building my house will stacked against to turn 90 degrees to the right so that I can have a flat surface, so I will have to get used to sleeping standing up. I’ll nail the pillow to the wall and utilise a slim sleeping bag for maximum space efficiency.
The toilet or, more accurately, the cereal box in the corner. Nothing else will be able to fit in that space except perhaps an A5 lever arch file, and I can hardly three w’s in that now, can I? It’d go everywhere.
The sitting area or, more accurately, the only space left to do anything. I don’t know where all my video games are going to go. I guess I’ll have to put them in storage unless by the year 2055 I’ll have super cool VR goggles where I can play them all using my brain impulses so I can probably lie in my “bed” and play them there, leaving the sitting area for entertaining guests. A snug flat screen TV in the top left-hand corner, a kettle for hot bevs and a shoebox as a coffee table? It’s all coming together.

I’ve got it all planned out. It’s going to look incredible. The only problem is where Vikki and the baby are going to go. I guess I’ll have to purchase the flat on the other side so they can stay there.

That’ll work. For sure.

Life hack

Do you sometimes forget things? Do you need to be reminded of them? Do you travel around a lot? Do you need a way of travelling that doesn’t risk leaving your reminders behind?

Here’s a brilliant tip to solve all your problems at once. No more arriving at the supermarket and finding you’ve left your shopping list at home. Your shopping list will come with you if you just turn your car into a blackboard.

I mean, obviously this guy’s just got his mates to draw all over it, and that’s an option too. So that’s three things. Reminders, driving, and doodling with chalk. Three things all in one. You’re welcome.

Guide to the Genus Melocaeruledus: The Fladger

Welcome to this, the first in a series of informative articles which explore the mysterious, often erroneously thought to be mythical, genus of animals, the Melocaeruledus.

As I’m sure you’re no doubt aware the name Melocaeruledus comes from the latin, Melo from “meles”, relating to a badger and the suffix caeruledus suggests a blue hue.

We will start our series exploring the most famous and most commonly seen member of the genus, the Melocaeruledus melesvolans…

ABOFB 40: Slogans

Continuing our ‘peek-behind-the-curtain’ theme, this week we let you in on our discussions as to whether the podcast needs a slogan. After 25 episodes we finally named the podcast and 15 episodes later, in this 40th and final episode of series 4, we actually use it for the first time. In this episode we…

Bounce around some terrible slogan suggestions
Have some practice starts to try them out
Get distracted by Tigers
Fail to come up with a slogan

County Durham review

Until this summer County Durham was not a place I had ever really been. It sits between Yorkshire, where I have spent literally years of my life, and the rest of the North East, where I have been many times. County Durham was a place I passed through to get between them. Before August, my total experience of County Durham can be summed up like this:

Passing through on the A1 between junctions 59 and 64, multiple times.
Passing through on the A19 between Sheraton and Seaham, multiple times.
Passing through on the train between Darlington and Chester-le-Street, four times.
Going to Burger King at Washington Services, which is no longer part of the administrative county but is within the traditional and ceremonial borders of County Durham, twice.

Earlier this month I arrived for a three-day stay (which I am certain counts as a “sojourn”, a term I reserve the right to use again later in this post) to soak up the County Duhamian atmosphere, basing myself in Barnard Castle. I am now ready to present my second ever county review.

Activities

While in County Durham I visited two waterfalls, walked along an extremely picturesque river, saw a ruined abbey, Roman remains, a big chimney in the middle of some woods and a really good castle. I also witnessed an almost overwhelming quantity of scenery while travelling.

I give County Durham four stars for activities.

****

Accommodation

We stayed in a very nice cottage next to the river, with the sound of running water outside at all times, in a way that was nice rather than annoying. It had more bedrooms than we could use, a spiral staircase, a massive designer fridge and two monsoon showers. I didn’t really want to leave and got into an argument when the owner tried to get their keys back.

I give County Durham five stars for accommodation.

*****

Food and drink

I was able to maintain my usual habit of eating three times a day without difficulty, and the food I ate was almost all very good. I had chips on multiple occasions and Big Frank, travelling with me, had sandwiches with a side of gravy two days running. However, we forgot to buy breakfast one day so the next morning we had to have grapes and coffee.

I give County Durham four stars for food.

****

Conclusion

My sojourn to County Durham has earned it a total of thirteen stars. This is one more than Derbyshire, which has held the title of “best county” for three years, and which now moves into second place. As these are the only two counties that have been rated, County Durham is now officially the best county and Derbyshire is simultaneously the second best and also the worst.

Thank you for your time.

Perky Nana

The last time I visited home, my brother thrust this into my hand before I left.

“Don’t be leaving without your Perky Nana!” he said with a wistful look and a tear in his eye.

Actually, none of that happened. He did give me a weird chocolate bar and told me to take it home. I did and then I stared at it for a month or so.

It’s an unusual confectionary item; chewy banana filling covered in milk chocolate. I ate it on a particularly warm day so it was even chewier than usual. The filling stretched out like cheese on a pizza. It tasted like foam bananas, a winning flavour in my book but a bit too fake and artificial for some.

I’ve never seen it before. The back of the wrapper had an Australian address on it, so perhaps it’s in every corner shop and supermarket in Canberra. I don’t know. What I do know is that it’ll be a long while before I get another Perky Nana in my mouth (waaaaaaaaay!).

What?