Cabinet saga, part 2

Back in May I offered a tantalising glimpse of my next DIY project, which were a set of custom-made alcove shelves. In the two and a half months that have passed since then, you have probably thought about little else.

It’s not yet time to show you the final result – not when I can wring another post out of this story – but it is time to update you on scribing, a new skill I had to acquire as part of this project that would let me cut pieces very precisely to fit the contours of my old house’s wobbly walls.

ABOFB 39: An Oral History of Pouring Beans (ish)

In a slight change to the usual episodes, today we have a self aggrandising look back over our voluminous body of online work under the Pouring Beans name. Everyone does these thing on nice round numbers or important dates usually, but not us. No Sir. Basically we read our own stuff back to ourselves. We discuss:

Why is it called that?
How did it begin
Some McIver poetry
Remembering is fun

I did a thing…

I am now officially a graduate!

I’ve done it.

It’s over.

I am finally (legitimately) Kevin Hill: Science Master.

If you had any doubts about how happy I am to see the back of academia (studying, not my job obviously) then check out this image of me after the ceremony a few weeks ago…

This is not the face of a man about to embark on further study.

Dr. Hill? No thanks.

A tasty treat

What are you in the mood for? You fancy something to eat? A snack perhaps? I’ve got the goods. Sit down and put your feet up. Leave it to me, I’ve got this.

It’s important to have a balanced diet but it’s also good to live a little and treat yourself every so often. I know I do.

Wait, what are you doing? Why’d you spit it out all over the floor? Do you know how long it took for me to make that? What? I can’t hear you with all that bread in your mouth. Come on now, we’re all adults here so let’s act like them.

If you’re going to insult my cooking then at least have the decency to do over the Internet like a coward. Send me a message slagging me off. Tweet me some rubbish about my ineffective kneading skills.

Look, it’s not my fault you’re so squeamish. I also didn’t name the damn thing. Fadge is the name given to potato bread and is used mainly, but not exclusively, in Northern Ireland and in parts of Northern England. Every part of the British Isles and Ireland have their own version of fadge. It’s not dissimilar to the tattie scone and delicious served as part of a full Irish breakfast.

It’s quick and easy to make. Serve as part of your full breakfast, but fadge also makes a delicious potato bread to eat any time. Lovely when still warm and spread with butter.

79 days

Let me show you this.

This is the end screen from a silly online Tetris-type game I play. It’s a daily game where you get one go at it and you either win or lose, and then that’s it for the next 24 hours. I’ve been playing it in idle moments for ages now.

Last year I got a win streak of 80 days before I got distracted and missed a day. Then I kept trying to get my numbers back up, trying to hit that 80 day streak and beat it, and kept failing.

On Friday 9 May this year I got sent back to the start again, and thought it was time I got serious about it. I set a daily reminder on my phone so I wouldn’t forget. Thanks to my reminder, every day since then I’ve remembered to play it, and I got closer and closer to beating that magic 80 day streak.

On Sunday night I was having trouble with a website on my phone so I went into the settings and cleared my browser cache. It deleted my browsing history and my cookies.

On Monday morning I went to play my silly online Tetris game, and when I finished, I got the screen you see above.

Monday 28 July would have been day 80. But I’d deleted my cookies. That meant it was day 1.

I’ll get you, 80 day streak. I’ll see you on Wednesday 15 October. It’s a date.

Open source Chris

Here I am with a microscope. But what can I see?

I’d just taken a swab from my cheek and under the ‘scope was a sample of my own facial cells (or “facells”, as biologists call them). And once I’d managed to zoom in enough, I saw this.

It’s my DNA.

There it is in all its glory, all those chains of genetic information that make me so brilliantly unique. And now that I’ve put it online, it’s open source, free for anyone else to come along and use it, remix it and build on it. Feel free to take a screenshot and use it for your own biological experiments.

I’m hopeful that this is the beginning of an amazing new age where there are millions of clones of me running around everywhere. A world of genetically engineered Chrises wherever you look.

What will you do with my DNA? Let me know in the comments.

‘Frog Detective: the entire mystery’ – mini review

Before the time comes when I have to (metaphorically) throw all of my interests into the loft because of the upcoming childingtons, you won’t be too surprised to note that I have been playing video games.

A lot of video games. I have been pursuing a life of video games because what else would you do in your early forties? Build a shop? Eat some yeast and submit a two star review as it, “wasn’t what you expected it to be”? Complain about the diversity of umbrellas? Take up yodelling? I don’t want to do any of that.

What I want is to live out my dreams of being a detective. I want to solve crimes and make a name for myself without leaving the sofa. Thankfully, there are now a multitude of games that allow you to do that. I chose ‘Frog Detective’ because I had heard it was funny and it was short.

You play as the titular Frog Detective, the second best detective in the land, second best to Lobster Cop. He’s a very busy boy and currently at the top so you’re doing your best to keep up. What follows is three very short vignettes where you “solve” three very short crimes. The reason that important word is in inverted commas is because there’s not really a lot to solve.

The game is played in first person. When you speak to other characters in the game, the camera zooms back to a third person perspective. You get given the case when the supervisor, travel to where you need to and start interviewing everyone. It’s not a game to be taken seriously in the slightest. You’re not a hard-boiled gumshoe here, you’re a happy-go-lucky frog with a magnifying glass. All you need to do is keep talking to people to find out what they want and then go get the item they need. It’s more of a fun fetch quest simulator than anything else.

Luckily, the quality of the writing is what saves the game from being forgettable shovelware. Everyone is a weirdo. You get an intro which shows you all the characters you’ll be meeting when you start the episode. You’ll meet a sloth who is convinced his island is haunted by ghosts, an invisible wizard whose celebrations have been wrecked by an unknown menace and a supposedly sheriff-less town that’s hiding a terrible secret. Every character has an unusual quirk which results in conversations that go places you’re not expecting. At one point I had to find out which kind of dancing a monkey preferred so I could tell the person that fancied her this important fact so they could impress her at a contest. I found an (I think) antelope floating in a hot tub who demanded some food and when I tried to give him the pie I found on the floor he insisted on having a fresh one. When you write it down it sounds like nonsense, and also when it plays out in front of you it’s also complete nonsense.

You can finish all three episodes in under two and a half hours. At the end there’s a secret sneaky bonus game that you unlock which is fun for a while. It’s a very simple game at heart; you won’t find any mind-bending puzzles from the likes of ‘Broken Sword’, ‘Monkey Island’ or ‘Grim Fandango’ here (I know I made the same point in my ‘Lord Winklebottom Investigates’ review but they’re the most recent point-and-click games I’ve played).

If you see it on sale then I would thoroughly recommend it because it’s very silly and guaranteed to make you laugh.

Clompotition time (last one)

You’ll all be thrilled to know that this is the last one I have before we can retire this charade masquerading as a proper post. We all have stuff we like to whip out (waaaaaay!) as a cheap post from time to time to fill the quota and tick the boxes. I still have plenty of guff to fill your screens, and your time with, so divant fret, pet, if you’re worried about the lack of meaningful content.

Surely in our roles as gods of the Internet, for existing so long in this digital hellscape, we practically invented meaningful content (or whatever passes for it these days).

Anyway, enough preaching. Guess the expiry date of this bottle of ketchup.

Here’s a little hint too; it’s nowhere near as old as any of the other entries.