Guide to the Genus Melocaeruledus: The Honey Fladger

Welcome back to Melocaeruledus corner. This week we take a deep dive into the scarier parts of the Fladger family tree with the Honey Fladger…

Honey Fladger

Scientific Name: Melocaeruledus melliferus (melliferus = “honey-bearing”, fitting its honey badger heritage and predatory, aggressive nature.)
Common Names: The Honey Badger,

Habitat: Savannah, scrublands, arid grasslands.

Description: The Honey Fladger combines the white-headed bastardry of the honey badger (Mellivora capensis) with the shiney blue abdomen of a bluebottle fly. Compound eyes lend it a fearsome viso/volto.

Behaviour: Both feared and admired by locals, Its powerful build makes it a fearless hive-raider. Shrugging off bee stings, it consumes the honey, wax, and larvae with equal relish. Whilst it will generally eat anything that annoys it, it has a fondness for snakes, biting them behind the head and dropping them from a great hight onto other unsuspecting Honey Fladgers.

Notes: Its buzzing flight has been likened to the growl of a wolverine caught in a trap.

Tired (again)

As we can all tell from my last post, even without the statement at the end, I was, and still am, very tired. What started as a brief joke message to my brother turned into a rambling post on here about all sorts. This was not what I had intended to do. I was going to set some time aside for another Chris open source DNA newsboost post only suddenly it was 11pm before the end of the month and I had to scrabble around for something quicker and easier instead.

Everyone knows that looking after babies is exhausting. That still doesn’t prepare you for how exhausting it actually is. It’s a new level of exhaustion not felt in a very long time; to think I used to get a bit rowdy if I lost as little as half an hour’s sleep on a weekday. Oh, what a fool I was.

The good news is that despite some major changes to preparing baby formula bottles and some minor stuff, a lot of it remains the same and muscle memory is keeping me afloat. I am a happy state of tired, one that means I struggle to remember which way to clean the cheese grater so that I don’t shred the sponge but one that knows it is all worth it because of who it’s all for.

Perhaps with all this weariness we’ll return to 2007 Ian, writing nonsense poems about shoes made of bonfires and random articles about haunted sesame seeds. That all remains to be seen and I apologise in advance if it does happen.

Newsboost – Burnham’s Laburnums

Burnham Calls for Change in Laburnum Society

Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham has turned his attention from politics to petals, declaring that his laburnums outshine those grown in London, and that he should take the helm of the Laburnum Society.

Speaking at a small community garden event this week, Burnham praised his golden-flowering trees, saying, “I honestly believe the laburnums I grow here are stronger, brighter, and more accessible than anything they’ve got down south. The Laburnum Society is not currently serious about serving the people. I’ve even had Laburnum Society Committee members asking me to stand for the leadership now”

Burnham went on to argue that laburnums should not remain the preserve of the wealthy or well-connected. “These flowers should be available to everyone, regardless of cost,” he said. “We need to make them a part of everyday life, not just something admired in gated gardens or exclusive shows.”

While his comments have raised eyebrows among traditionalists in the horticultural world, local gardeners in Manchester have welcomed Burnham’s push for a more open and inclusive approach to laburnum growing.

The Laburnum Society has yet to respond to his remarks.

Classic photo

If you happened to be living under a rock you may not have noticed a certain anniversary of a certain album last year. An album everyone, and I do mean everyone, has heard of from the year 1999. Can you remember the year 1999? What a time to be alive.

Pop music was yet to turn a corner from fabricated bands and artists put together by middle-aged men in suits to everything auto-tuned to within an inch of its life and sounding like they all came from the same computer programme. Yes, as you can see I’m an old person. I can’t say I preferred it when “bands” like Steps, A1, 5ive, Backstreet Boys and all the others invaded your ears through the radio but at least they had a bit of personality and a distinct style. These days I struggle to hear the instruments in modern pop music.

Anyway, back to 1999 and everyone’s favourite Dido. Even I with my angst and my Clash liked a bit of Dido. She may have pronounced ‘I’ as ‘ah’ in every song (“ah won’t go, ah won’t sleep, ah can’t breathe…) and struggled with a tempo anything faster than what can only be described as plodding however there was something about her songs. They were breezy, easy to sing, and plodded so hard even your dad liked it. This prompted everyone in the known stratosphere to buy a copy of her album which is why you’ll find it in most charity shops.

Cut to last year and the 25th anniversary of ‘No Angel’. A milestone. A wonderful thing. I was reading the description when I got to the bottom and squinted.

Dido is a singer. Is she photographic? Of course. So what’s a classic Dido photo? Did I miss that part of her career? Did people walking around with a photo of Dido shaking hands with Prince Charles? Dido playing with friendly gypsies? Dido squatting over a bin? I tried googling it and was directed to an article on Wikipedia about the first queen of Carthage. Please can someone post some classic Dido photos so I know what I’m missing out on.

(Thank you for reading this. I am very tired and struggling for WORDS.)

Podcast topics

Not so long ago, in one of our booze-fuelled Virtual Winston all nighters, Kev revealed that we are – finally, five years after we last recorded a new podcast episode – reaching the end of the backlog. It turns out that if you only publish one or two a year you can eke them out for a long time.

Anyway, this presents us with an issue. Sooner or later, if we want A Breath of Fresh Beans to continue smashing the podcast charts, we need to record some more, but that’s easier said than done. First, because we’re very much out of practice now, and we’re going to need to put in the hours if we want to attain the levels of highly polished badinage that our listeners expect. And second, because our podcast isn’t about anything at all, so we always struggled to find things to talk about.

What we need is a supply of good podcast topics. And, as the man who accidentally stumbled on the thing that led us to the name of the podcast, I have decided that I’m the one to supply it.

Herb roundup

For too long the world has been absolutely awash with herbs. Go into a supermarket and there’s half an aisle of little jars of greeny-brown flakes. Nobody has the room to store them all and if you try a new recipe it will inevitably require the purchase of some more which will then sit at the back of a cupboard for the next ten years.

Thankfully salvation is at hand. As part of their wider plans for a “decade of national renewal”, the government have asked me to lead a Herb Taskforce to rationalise the UK herb landscape.

A full report will be published later this year to coincide with the autumn statement, but I’m delighted to announce my preliminary findings here.

Basil – nice both fresh and dried. Versatile. Keep it.
Bay Leaf – floats in your food while cooking, then has to be removed because it’s inedible. Tastes of nothing. Banned.
Bouquet Garni – strange teabag of mystery leaves. Just use some other herbs. Banned.
Chervil – universally described as “delicate” which means it doesn’t do much. Just use parsley.
Chicory – very bitter. People put it in coffee which is weird. Use of chicory should be punishable by prison time to stamp this out.
Chives – these always repeat on me. Get rid of them.
Coriander – this is nice. Keep it.
Dill – banned.
Fenugreek – can’t even pronounce this let alone cook with it. Banned.
Herbes de Provence – just use some basil and oregano. Nobody will know the difference. If every region of every European country had its own herb mix we’d be knee deep in the damn things and no better off for it. Provence needs to get back in its box. Banned.
Italian Herb Mix – this is just basil and oregano. Use those. Banned.
Kaffir Lime Leaf – bay leaves for Asian cooking. Bin it.
Marjoram – this is a type of oregano. We don’t need to split hairs, there are more important things going on. Just use oregano instead. Banned.
Mint – yes. Keep.
Mixed Herbs – this kind of mystery herb mix is a waste of everyone’s time. Use basil and oregano. Any recipe requiring herbs can just use basil and oregano and it’ll be fine. Banned.
Oregano – yes. Keep.
Parsley – was hoping to ban this but it would leave restaurants without little sprigs of leaves to make food look nice, so keeping it on that basis.
Rosemary – I’ve got a good chicken souvlaki recipe that needs rosemary, and it’s nice on roast potatoes. Keep.
Sage – gets used in stuffing, I suppose, but will be keeping an eye on this.
Tarragon – no.
Thyme – no.

The above will become law by the end of this Parliament, so please begin throwing away all your other herbs now to avoid trouble when your cupboards are inspected by the police. Thank you for your attention to this important matter!

You and Your Northern Orb

So you’ve gone and got yourself an Orb. Congratulations!

There’s no looking back now that your family has grown by one and an Orb is in your midst. And what an Orb it is! Not just any old Orb, but a hardy Northern Orb, the type that is native to the lands north of the River Swale.

Now that your Orb is back home, swaddled in orblankets and making spherical gurgling noises, you are no doubt wondering what life has in store and what you should do next. Well, don’t worry: the Beans has your back. We’re here to help you through these magical, sleepless months of new Orbhood.

The first thing you will notice is that your Northern Orb is not wrapped in cellophane. You will be used to new things – especially ones that are genuinely new, unused and valuable – coming wrapped in cellophane, box-fresh from the factory. Perhaps on first picking up and holding your Orb you felt pangs of sadness, disappointment or even rage at the realisation that your Orb came with no packaging at all. But these feelings, and the lack of protective covering, are entirely normal. Try not to be disconcerted, and avoid trying to peel off any sort of outer film from your Orb, because it hasn’t got one. No. No, seriously. Stop it.

Your next question will be about what Orbs eat. Orbs in general eat all kinds of things, of course, but your Northern Orb has specific dietary needs that you will need to fulfil in order to give it a healthy, happy, globe-shaped life. Soft foods are best to begin with, so start with the filling of a Greggs cheese and bean melt. As your Orb grows, over the next week or two you can start introducing soft pastry – perhaps offer it a Greggs steak bake with the crispier corners cut off. Over time, your Orb will work its way on to Greggs tuna crunch baguettes and sausage rolls. Try to be led by your Orb’s tastes. They’ll tell you when they’re ready for more pastry.

You may also find that your Orb cries a lot. This is to do with their dawning realisation of the futility of existence and the relative brevity of our lifespans in the vastness of the universe. You can comfort them with nursery rhymes and lullabies. To soothe a Northern Orb, you might try singing “Fog on the Tyne” by Lindisfarne, “Big River” by Jimmy Nail or anything by Cheryl Cole.

Your journey with your Northern Orb is only just begininng and we’re excited to accompany you all the way, so we’ll be back with more amazing Orb tips soon. Until then just keep doing the things listed here over and over again and you’ll probably be fine. Good luck!

Newsboost – unused material (part two)

I think I deserve credit for not diving into this straight away after unleashing this hotch potch of box-ticking nostalgia bait. I waited a whole *checks* four months before phoning it in again. You’re welcome.

I also deserve a hearty pat on the back for writing a ‘quick post to earn a bean’ post nine days before the end of the month. I’m breaking all the rules of convention. What a trendsetter I am. You’re also welcome (God, this is exhausting).

We need some kind of awards ceremony to celebrate how great I am not just at being me but also being me in written form.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s dive back into 2014 Ian to see what was going through his mind:

An apple a day keeps the cold-calling telemarketing away
Giant butt sea castle
Torch eyes tours
Dyslexic spelling error sky writer message
Nuclear fallout – beetles and lens solution
Learning to write with toothpaste is silly
Sugar cube igloo
Snake shoelaces. Worm shoelaces?
Bulldog clips rep is misguided (?)
Fruit tennis
Return of the icing sugar squirrels (this one still makes me laugh)
Napkins have feelings too, you know
Bog roll binoculars
Public trampolines
New type of screwdriver

The rest of the ideas from this page were so good they were used in the Twitter feed because they’re all crossed out.

What a great time was had by all.