Avatar Gooseboost

Good morning and welcome to this week’s edition of Gooseboost, reporting on all the goose-based news in your area and a little bit more elsewhere. I’m your host, Bruce “The Goose” Winterburn.

The headlines:

  • New shade of dark orange paint colour renamed ‘Boss goose’ after tense voting process over the weekend
  • Kentucky restaurant’s popular ‘Geese Feast’ menu item dropped to $14.99 for the whole of October
  • Hysterical goose celebrity impersonater Dwayne ‘The Flock’ Johnson set to dazzle at 2024 HSJ awards next month

The top story today though involves locked doors, unsightly men and a gaggle of the most unusual guards you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

A prison in South America decided to change from guards dogs to guard geese in a switch that has sent most people into a flap.

Since December last year, a group of geese have been patrolling the perimeter of the Sao Pedro de Alcantara prison in Brazil’s southern state of Santa Catarina. The honking hoodlums dubbed “geese agents” are in charge of patrolling the green space between the prison’s inside fence and main outer wall. The staff of the prison remain convinced that the vigilance of the waterfowl species of bird is what makes them excellent guard animals and continue to use them in lieu of the more traditional canines.

This follows on from our May editorial, ‘Geese, please! Are they really that bad?’ where we set out to debunk some of the common misconceptions of the common goose. It is all to do with how territorial they are, especially when protecting the young. It’s very rare that humans will be attacked, but it can happen. They are capable of causing serious injury by biting or smacking you with their marvellously strong wings. A serious injury is not always guaranteed, it depends what kind of day they’re having. If you catch one on a Monday before they’ve had their morning coffee then you may want to get ahead and phone in sick at work.

If a prison is using geese to keep prisoners in line then surely it’s only a matter of time before they’re wheeled out for use in the police force. Expect CCTV footage from future Saturday night scraps in city centres around the UK to feature both man and beak. You have been warned.

Avatar Log burner controversy

The modern world is one of tolerance and equality, of partnerships and collaboration, and of diversity and open-mindedness. It is a world that many have come to loathe given how different it seems from the pre-twentieth century landscape we all grew up in. I personally am still in two minds about whether it’s gotten better or worse because if I was to side with the latter then I would be throwing myself into the great rubbish tip of cancellation. If I pine for the days of cheap petrol, lad culture and “cool Britannia” (bleugh!) from the 1990s then surely I’m a racist?

Well, no, I wouldn’t be because that’s bonkers but you have to be careful as to what you say and do, especially here on the internet. One false word and my reputation (?) would be in tatters. Consider me? Consider me not, thank you. All this cancellation culture comes from a lack of tolerance, but what I will not tolerate is blatant sexism of the highest order masquerading as a cosy forum for people to interact in.

Recently Vikki was, presumably, looking up things to do with log burners what with us getting one with the house and winter practically dossing around our respective doorsteps. She happened upon this and sent it to me:

A female only group? Chatting about log burners? One which I am unable to participate in because of my gender? Outrageous! Surely this is a hate crime. If you can’t advertise for gender-specific jobs then you shouldn’t be able to advertise FILTH such as this. I’m sure there are hundreds, nay, thousands of male-only groups where they’re all out there discussing the highs and lows of using a log burner, but I don’t want in on them. I want to see the other side of the coin; I want the female perspective and I can’t because I’m a man.

Am I wrong to want to be part of something that has nothing whatsoever to do with me?

Not at all. Let me in!

Avatar Tea ‘n’ Tabasco

At last! Raise a bowl of coffee in celebration: “A Folk History of Dublin”, the official ceremonial record of our historic visit to Ireland, is now online.

It’s one of our biggest-ever efforts, running to an impressive 82 pages of words, drawings and stupid ideas, including…

  • Ian’s breakfast journey
  • Danny and Michael go to New York City
  • The red hot spiky baton of anger
  • Plinth people and façade folk
  • The now-legendary Kev’s Reality Flowchart
  • Mr Bread Adjacent Eggs
  • The angels smiling on Kev’s plan

The later pages of this document will be a particular surprise to Kev, who left the country before they were finished.

All of this collected wisdom and artistry is now yours to enjoy in the Books section of the Beans, along with our other sacred texts.

Avatar WFH

My job isn’t one you can do from home, so while the rest of the world has spent the last few years abandoning the office, I’ve still been turning up in person like some sort of mug.

The other day I had the opportunity to spend a day working from home, and grabbed it with both hands. I had lots of project work to do and none of it required me to be in the building: I had some training videos that needed voiceovers recording, I had documentation to write and I had some development work to do on some internal web tools I wrote. So on Friday I fired up a work laptop at home and got stuck in.

Not only did I get more sleep and avoid the time and cost of about 3½ hours of commuting, I also got loads done. Here is a summary of how I spent my ten hour shift.

ActivityDuration
Attend morning meeting for WFH staff through my phone because the laptop wasn’t logged in yet0h 30m
Struggle to get the work laptop to connect to my home wifi and talk to IT support about proxy settings0h 45m
Check emails0h 10m
Make coffee, get distracted by arrival of post0h 10m
Open training slides in Powerpoint, set up USB microphone and headphones, test setup, get distracted and read news articles on the Guardian website1h
Do Guardian Quick Crossword #169720h 15m
Start recording voiceover, discover time limit on Powerpoint recordings, search for alternative screen recording software, install on work laptop0h 25m
Dog arrives in room, play with dog0h 30m
See message on phone, reply to message, see notification on Reddit, scroll through Reddit0h 20m
Break for lunch1h
Unlock laptop, set Teams status to “available”; toilet break0h 10m
Start recording voiceover with new software, get lost on complex slide animation twenty minutes in, discover there is no edit feature, resign self to having to start recording again, become despondent about project, make tea, look at phone again for a bit1h 30m
Let dog out for a wee, throw ball for dog which gets dog excited, dog spends extended period of time on very wet lawn, dog runs back inside and through house with muddy paws. Clean dog’s paws. Clean kitchen, dining room and hallway floors with Dettol wipes0h 45m
See email from team leader asking how day is going, redraft reply eight times, eventually just say it’s going well thanks0h 15m
Notice office-hours staff will be leaving work in 15 minutes, write email asking complex question about SQL database backups for web app that I need to work on, send email slightly too late for it to be seen or dealt with before Monday0h 30m
Rehearse complex slide animation that tripped me up before, change animation after rehearsal, fail to rehearse new animation sequence0h 30m
Make tea, get distracted by dog, play with dog0h 30m
Start recording voiceover, get lost on changed animation sequence twenty minutes in, plough on anyway since interest in project is now waning, continue to end of recording0h 40m
Discover freeware screen recording software has recorded in some random format to some place in the cloud, attempt to download and convert this to something useful0h 20m
Send email to team leaders shared inbox about something unrelated to today’s work to prove I am still online at the end of my shift0h 5m
Log off0h 5m

Avatar Support of the pink jacket rabbit

Oh, how these thirty days have been punishing upon my legs and upon my brow. I have sought thus the goal of running a mile and a hundred in order to furnish those without with the ability to smite the evil. It has been long and I have sweated more than any man should. I have sweated more than any two men should, and showering every day has been a massive burden.

When my troubles did besmirch me, when my woes did overwhelm me, how did I manage to keep going? Those darker moments whence all the light is sucked away from the day and all you are left with is the end in the distance that leaps further and further away from your grasp. How could I keep going?

I would look to the sky, nay, to the universe above and remember that all things must pass and I, too, would soon reach the finishing line. Who was cheering me on? My girlfriend, my family, my friends, some even that were unbeknownst to me. For when browsing the shops last week did I chance upon a little beacon of hope who has been with me in spirit the entire time.

If you ever find yourself in a similar position, if you ever doubt upon your abilities or capabilities at the job within your hands, think on my friend and he will keep you on track.

Avatar V-Game “Review” – Wizards of Waverly Place

Do you often plan to do things and then sort of half do them and come back to them later, in their unfinished state, and wonder why you didn’t bother to finish them in the first place?

Such is the case for me and my review of ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’, another Nintendo DS game that my brother and nieces decided to inflict upon me. I must have originally done my thirty minutes of playing in July because I took some photos at the time. I was clearly gearing up for a post with the details and then nothing; I didn’t write anything else other than some hastily scribbled notes on a random bit of paper from my work bag.

For the uninitiated, ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ is an American sitcom shown on the Disney Channel about a teenage wizard who undertakes training to be some kind of better wizard alongside her two brothers. It features one now famous person (Selena Gomez who, at the time in my subconscious, I referred to as “that rapping chipmunk”) and lots of people I’ve never heard of. The premise sounds a lot like ‘Sabrina: the Teenage Witch’ but with a family of magic people instead. It ran from 2007 to 2012 but according to Wikipedia will be coming back again soon in a sort of semi-sequel of sorts. Keep an eye out for that everyone.

I am sure that whatever kids were watching this at the time loved every second and begged and pleaded to their parents to buy the tie-in video game so they could continue the, I don’t know, wizarding. It’s the successful formula of young people acting like adults mixed with comedy that Disney has been churning out for the last few decades that will make anyone over the age of 21 throw up in their hands but works because children will watch anything.

Enough of that. Back to me, consider me! The notes that I wrote are as follows:

  • Picking up coins – why?
  • Let’s head to the lair?
  • Sandwiches
  • Keep skipping dialogue
  • Floating sarnies – catch game
  • Bottle on a podium
  • Smaller than me
  • Make a *can’t make out what this is, could be cake* – end

As you can see, I was my usual in-depth and very thorough self, going through the majority of the intricacies and idiosyncrasies of the gameplay, graphics, history of development and everything else. Ahem. This is why you should never start a job unless you intend to finish it. I get that now.

I am at the point where I don’t have time, not even a mere thirty minutes, to go back to understand this nonsense. I must therefore move forward and count this sham as my attempt at a game review.

After re-reading the notes, I do remember a mini game where you had to assemble sandwiches to serve to customer. When a magic spell goes awry, you have to try and wrangle the sandwiches back into a bag, or a hat, or a bin. It was a fairly average video game, much like the previous one I did, with nothing too bad and it seemed to fit with the property. Not that I’ve ever seen ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ or know anything about it. If you were to ask me in passing, I would tell you it’s about a teenage girl who goes around collecting coins to stash in her lair so that she can afford to make sandwiches and sell them. Surely some kind of philosopher’s stone would eradicate the need for some of this but whadda I know?

Apparently Selena Gomez has an estimated net worth of $1.3 billion and is the most followed woman on Instagram. Not bad for a rapping chipmunk.

Avatar Everybody has a house now

We have reached a momentous landmark in the life and times of the Beans Massive, which is that all of us – every single Bean – now owns a house.

To commemorate this occasion, I have had three beautiful portraits specially commissioned, that each recreate the atmosphere and excitement on the day we moved in to our houses.

Please enjoy these fine works of art. If you would like the original to frame and hang over your fireplace, get in touch and we can discuss terms.

Read More: Everybody has a house now »