Avatar Nine million minutes ago

It’s hard to believe it, but it’s been slightly more than nine million minutes since the first time Kev travelled down to London to visit me in my poky Mortlake flat. (If you prefer more conventional time measurements, like some sort of idiot, that equates to 6465 days, or 17 years, eight months and 13 days.)

Obviously we used our time together extremely profitably. Among our many intellectual and sporting pursuits, we found time to spend quite a while – several hours, in fact, judging by the timestamps – taking pictures of ourselves with my iMac’s photobooth software.

Here are some highlights of a couple of very youthful idiots having a laugh nine million minutes ago.

Avatar Newsboost – Secure socks

A man has been caught buying socks for himself at an Asda in Leyton Mills last night.

The shopper, Denzel Ruckus, was apprehended by security as he made his purchase and tried to leave the premises around 6pm on Monday night. Witnesses confirm that in addition to the socks, Mr Ruckus also bought a tin of beans, a pack of six eggs and a gammon steak. Sounds like a pretty tasty evening.

“I don’t understand what the problem is,” confirmed the slightly bewildered shopper, clutching his socks tightly and a bag with the rest of his shopping, “I paid for them with my card and the payment went through so why am I being detained? I have the receipt right here. All or my pairs of socks have holes in them around the heel, so I needed replacements. I only live around the corner. Did I do something wrong?”

Shoppers were immediately alerted to the unlikely phenomenon. A family of six asked for Mr Ruckus’ autograph on the way to the car with their own weekly shop.

A spokesperson from Asda said, “this is unprecedented, a man buying his own socks? Not waiting for someone to put a pair in his stocking for Christmas? Barmy. We’ve already had a photo of Mr Ruckus blown up onto a canvas and hung in the employee area. He’s going to be a local hero.”

It is estimated that roughly 21,239 million pairs of socks are created each year and 89% of these are bought for men / boys during the Christmas period. Records show that a man hadn’t bought himself some socks since 1998 and even then it was done accidentally by John Boone of Weston-super-Mare who hasn’t been seen since.

The township-level district of Datang in the city of Zhuji in Zhejiang Province, People’s Republic of China, has become known as ‘Sock City’. The town currently produces 8 billion pairs of socks each year, a third of the world’s sock production.

If you’re interested in more sock-based facts then join our sock fandom page at www.newsboost.com/sockfacto

Avatar Greasy spoon restaurant review

This weekend, we decided to finally visit Café Zeynep, five minutes away from home, that has been open for a year without us even looking inside. It’s the latest creation from daring café owner Zeynep, who has been frying pork products and cooking eggs five different ways for twenty years in other nearby parts of Hampshire; now her extraordinary vision has been set free in this bold new cafeteria experience. From the moment we stepped inside, the all-Turkish staff and fully brown leather furniture set the perfect tone for a memorable fry-up.

Since it was breakfast time, we both opted for breakfast. I chose Zeynep’s Big Breakfast, while my partner went for the Mediterranean Breakfast. The Big Breakfast had local butcher’s sausages infused with well-seasoned porky notes that elevated each bite. The hash browns had real crunch while the egg yolks were runny. It was clear that the chef had taken care to source high-quality beans. My partner’s fried halloumi was perfectly cooked, a delightful contrast to the spicy Turkish sausage. The accompanying toast added a refreshing crunch that brightened the dish.

To drink, I selected the White Americano, while my partner indulged in the Mars milkshake. The coffee was a revelation — smooth and well-rounded, it was served in a mug of plain brown ceramic and garnished with semi-skimmed milk. The flavours melded beautifully, with bitter Arabica bringing out the sweetness of the thick-cut bacon as I swilled down my fried feast. My partner’s shake was equally impressive, sweet but not overpowering; we suspect the Snickers milkshake would offer a more rounded palate.

Throughout our meal, the service was attentive without being intrusive. Our server was knowledgeable about the menu and offered great recommendations for wine pairings, which we ignored because we were having breakfast.

Overall, Café Zeynep exceeded our expectations. The atmosphere, impeccable service, and feeling of extraordinary fullness stayed with us for the rest of the day. It’s basically next door and we’ve never been. We are idiots for not trying it sooner. Next time I’m going to have a go on their brunch menu.

★★★★☆

Avatar Canine category catalogue

They say that dogs look like their owners. But this is plainly not true, because our dog is ginger and does not have a dark coloured beard. Though she does have impressive eyebrows, so at least in that regard we match.

Anyway. Now that I go wandering with the dog on a regular basis I am learning the ways of the dog walkers. You see other people with dogs all the time and it’s not often the dogs and their owners look alike, but they do come in certain easily identified types.

Here are the categories I would put basically all dog owners into.

Retired lady with pampered poochThese are the politest people and they will always stop and chat, sometimes even if you don’t want to, and will need to know what your dog is called and what breed she is. Their dog will be a beautifully manicured poodle crossbreed called Lucy who has a bow on her pink collar.
Young couple with overexcited livewireThey are very much in love but they aren’t ready for kids yet, so they got a Labrador cross which is bounding around the place like it’s made of springs. They tell you he’s only young and he’ll calm down when he grows up but he never will. One such couple I met a while back had a boisterous dachshund rather than a Labrador, and it was called Simon.
Middle aged lady with any number of greyhoundsThe lady is wearing a gilet and a floral headscarf. She won’t stop to chat but she will say something formal and upper crust like “good morning to you!” as she strides past. She has at least two greyhounds or whippets and they too are wearing gilets.
Stressed dog walker with pack on the brink of riotingShe is about 30 and she does this part time. She is wearing a sleeveless puffer jacket and has several full poo bags hanging off her belt. She has five dogs of wildly different sizes and temperaments straining at five leads, and another three or four random hounds running around in the trees nearby. She cannot remember their names and if one of them runs away she has no hope of getting it back.
Skinhead bloke with terrifying attack dogHe is wearing very big steel toecap boots and at least one garment made of leather. His dog is a German Shepherd, or anything else that has the pointy ears of a purebred predator, and is called Zeus. He will not say hello back and he will watch silently and from a distance as his dog stalks other people’s dogs and also any small children nearby.
Large middle aged man with tiny ball of aggressionThis man is perhaps 50 and is walking the improbably tiny lapdog that can only have been chosen by his wife. His wife does not walk the dog because it has not been trained and is uncontrollable. He will make a half-hearted apology as his nasty little pet snarls, growls and barks at your dog and pulls at its lead in an attempt to start a fight.
Tweedy country types with indeterminate number of border colliesA greying middle aged couple who are wearing tweed, flat caps and Barbour jackets. They might not be landed gentry but they definitely support fox hunting. They will say hello to you because they were bred to have manners but they would have nothing to say to someone of your social standing if you ever tried to make conversation. Their dogs are beautiful but have no interest in you and will walk past like you don’t exist.
Lonely old man with waddling mongrelDo not engage the man in conversation. He is perfectly nice but you will be there for three quarters of an hour hearing his life story while his peculiar little dog with a stubby tail and a greying muzzle tries to have a wee on your leg.
Distracted mum with toddler, pushchair and feral spanielIt is not clear why this family decided to get a dog at the same time as having several small children, and it is plainly making their life more difficult and chaotic than it needs to be, but it’s too late now because that’s what they’ve got. Dad is at work so mum is taking all of them for a walk. The dog is nice but not very well trained and is basically walking itself.
Handsome middle class professional with excellent ginger dogI realised at the end of the list that I didn’t fit into any of the above categories, so it stands to reason that there must be one more that is suitable for someone like me.

Avatar More lists

I’ve started using lists again. I keep forgetting things that need doing, such as uploading a bunch of photos to this here website that Chris asked for months ago, so I write them down and there’s less chance I’ll forget. Nothing is 100% foolproof though.

I should use them more often. I should have lists for everything but then there’s the risk of having so many lists that I won’t have time to do anything because I’m too busy writing lists. I need to tread that fine line carefully.

Walking through the “mean streets” of Morpeth, we came across this list scrawled on the glass door of an abandoned derelict shop. I clocked it, made a mental note of its location and then came back to it again on the walk back to the car.

I’m not sure if they were trying to be funny or not. It is a strange list for sure. Who is Soo-fee? Are they as well-known as Taylor Swift, Coca Cola and God? I would have thought that ‘bees?’ would have made the list and the fact that they’re missing is a crime.

I’m not inclined to write any of my lists on something that isn’t a piece of paper or a notepad. I can’t scribble something on a pub and then drag that around with me, it’s not practical. Perhaps the person with the pen lives nearby and needed a visual clue on the way to work or school. Whatever the reason, keep yo lists outta ma face. I’ve got enough of my own

Avatar The jelly baby quiz

Would you like to win a massive prize? Of course you would.

And would you still like to win that massive prize if it was actually not very massive and was just a fairly large pack of jelly babies? Well, yes, obviously; if anything that would be even better. Everyone likes jelly babies. You are now, understandably, physically clawing at the screen in an attempt to take part. Don’t worry. I will explain how it works.

How it works

The prize is a fairly large pack of jelly babies. The winner gets not just the jelly babies but also the opportunity to specify the brand. Are you a Bassetts fan or a Haribo acolyte? All tastes are catered for here. To win it, you just need to achieve the highest score in the jelly baby quiz, which is a quiz about jelly and babies.

Good luck! It’s time for the questions.

The questions

  1. Jelly is made using which animal product?
  2. Babies are born without which bones?
  3. In a classic red-yellow-green multicoloured jelly scenario, what flavour is the green one?
  4. To the nearest 400, how many babies were born in the UK in 2023?
  5. Which is the correct part of a jelly baby to eat first?

Get your answers in now. One of you lucky entrants will win this not-very-massive massive prize.

Good luck again! And now, in addition, good bye.