Avatar Glasses everywhere

Guys, I’m thrilled – absolutely THRILLED – that everyone has been so enthusiastic about my new Public Glasses mission. We’ve only been going for a couple of months and already I know the whole nation is behind me. The money isn’t pouring in yet, but I’m sure that will follow.

Just the other day while I was out walking the dog, I noticed some Public Glasses that someone had kindly left there.

This is absolutely wonderful and it’s just the kind of thing I had hoped for.

However, shortly after I took this picture, the dog came over and had a wee up against the tree stump. (For your benefit I have not included a picture of that.) The glasses were unaffected, but this highlights for me the importance of Kev’s solemn pledge to supply a special weatherproof Hat-a-Glasses for every pair of Public Glasses out there. With a rainproof and pissproof Hat-a-Glasses these municipal specs would never have been at risk from my dog’s full bladder.

Anyway – the movement is just getting started. Perfection will come in time. For now, let’s just be glad that we’re on the way to a brighter future, and also, let’s not lose sight of the fact that it continues to be very important that you donate all your money to me. I mean to the charity. Thanks.

Avatar I don’t feel so good

I feel a little off today.

There’s a tightness in my chest. The room keeps spinning and I definitely have a temperature. I need to open a window, hang on.

There. That usually makes me feel better but… but not today.

What is it? What’s making me feel… oh no, I’m gonna need to… quickly someone pass a bucket!

*heaving followed by squelching noises*

Oh. Oh no. What have I done?

Avatar Lil’ Beavers

Are you a lil’ beaver?

Are you looking to learn how to drive but you’re too small to drive a regular car?

Would you like to learn how to drive a car in a safe and beaver-friendly environment?

We would love to see you at Lil’ Beavers Driving School. Call the number and speak to one of our dedicated staff to set your up lessons straight away.

You’ll have a dam good time!

Avatar How do I get my parcel?

We came home the other day to find a parcel had turned up. The driver had left it on the doorstep right in front of the front door.

Inside the door, we found a little card that the driver had pushed through the letterbox.

It said they had left the parcel in the safe location “front step”. Then, further down, it asked how do I get my parcel?

In answer, it said they would return to deliver it tomorrow. So we left it on the step until the next day. But the next day the driver didn’t come back and they didn’t deliver our parcel.

The next suggestion was that we go to www.yodel.co.uk to choose a new delivery date or arrange to collect it from a depot. When we visited the website it asked for the parcel number, but the parcel number was not on the card.

In desperation, we called the Yodel hotline and explained that the card didn’t tell us the parcel number. The operator asked for our postcode instead. We gave them our postcode. They said the parcel had been delivered. We explained what had been written on the card and that we were following their instructions to get it.

At this point the penny dropped. We didn’t need to arrange a delivery, said the operator. We just needed to collect it. So we went back out to the doorstep to collect our parcel, bringing the Yodel card, one item of photographic ID and a utility bill to prove our name and address. Now we have our parcel.

We opened it. Everything inside was wet from the rain overnight. We’re sending it back.

Avatar Phase phrase competition – June (best of the best)

Hello, I must be going.

Until that happens though, let’s have a sift through the wonders of this year. Let’s take a skiffle at the best of the best (so far) when it comes to the efforts of trying to come up with a brand new expression or phrase to add to the world.

What has happened so far? Where have you been? You’ve missed so much. Based on viewer feedback and extensive focus group research, these are the greatest of the gold:

  • Cough it up, wank bread
  • Out of the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed
  • Control Alt Discreet!
  • May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again
  • Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up
  • Leave the beef on the bench

March was the most successful month coming up with a whopping three contenders.

There’s also the added bonus that Kev said THE THING and now it’s his thing because he says it all the time, and we wouldn’t want to upset the lad by telling him he has to give it back. No no, it’s much better to still leave it in the running with a bit of a caveat on the side.

With so much choice, we’re all eating good this season. Let me know if any others take your fancy and whether you’ve started crimsonly using them in polite conversation.

Onwards and upwards!

Avatar Perfect for all the family

Do you like sport?

Do you like families?

Do you like ball-based sports?

Then you need sport balls!

This unbeatable set includes:

  • A football, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so cannot be used to play football
  • A basketball, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so cannot be used to play basketball
  • A tennis ball, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so can be used to play tennis if you don’t mind the ball not bouncing or travelling far enough because it has the wrong weight and ballistic properties
  • A baseball, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so cannot be used to play baseball

Perfect for all the family!

Avatar An ominous warning

Recently we got a new treadmill thing, which allows you to go for a walk inside your house. This is useful for exercise and also for avoiding scenery if the natural world is disgusting to you.

I took a look at the instructions to see if there was any important information there that wasn’t immediately obvious when looking at the four-button control panel (on, off, faster, slower). It told me some vital information about the dimensions and operating parameters of the machine.

And then, at the bottom, it told me something else.

I don’t know what it’s going to do to me. I don’t know what its plan is.

I only know that, in the end, it will win.