Avatar Newsboost – the Happy Salad Boys return

We have exclusive news down here at the Newsboost HQ that sexy boy band the Happy Salad Boys are due to release a new album by the end of the month.

You’ve all heard of them by now. They seemed to appear out of nowhere around 18 months ago, four jolly lads with an eye for a tune and expert marketing and choreography to match. Their debut album ‘Mushrooms, yeah?’ went straight in at number one, featuring twelve of the grooviest, hippest and most vegetable-est songs you’ve ever heard. Since then, Chester Kneesup, Drake Fondles, Tyler ‘whoops’ Aplenty and (no capital letter, please) tim have been on every magazine cover, website and advertising billboard this side of Chelmsford.

A sold out tour followed, taking in all the major cities and stadiums the UK could manage. They were so popular they sold out Wembley five times, and forced Ed Sheeran to a smaller venue to coo his acoustic love songs to five people instead of six (sorry, Ed).

Whats the new album called? That hasn t been leaked yet, although the fervent fans are casting their votes as to which vegetable they might choose next.

“All our albums will be named after vegetables,” said Drake Fondles, the self proclaimed leader of the four. “Because vegetables matter.”

Will it be artichokes? Will it be spring onions? Will it be something completely different such as an autumnal swede? We only have a few weeks to wait.

Stay tuned for more Happy Salad Boys exclusives coming very soon.

Avatar Butter insurance

Take a moment to think about it. Do you have enough cover for your spread?

You may think that butter is something to take for granted because you can buy it from every corner shop and supermarket. It’s readily available. It’s on the tips of your fingers every single day.

But what if it wasn’t? What if it was gone without any explanation whatsoever? What would you do then? Opt for margarine? Would that really do? Are you going to sit your children down and explain to them that margarine is the best you can do?

Here are Butters McButters Inc, we offer the finest butter insurance money can buy. Our lavish offices may suggest we’re all about the profits and satisfying the shareholders with champagne every Friday, but let me reassure you that your butter needs are what’s on my mind 24/7.

What you get with one of our policies is more than your average butter insurance policy; you get peace of mind. If your butter gets stolen, we will replace that butter with a full packet within 24 hours. If we manage to catch the thieves, we’ll give you your butter back… with a smile and a thumbs up. We also cover for many different butter scenarios such as:

  • Not wrapping the butter back properly so that a bit of it goes hard and weird
  • Accidentally wasting some of it because someone didn’t put it securely on the fridge shelf so it fell down and wiped a bit on the shelf below
  • Clowns
  • Bees
  • Preparing some fresh toast and going to pick up the butter only to realise your wife used the last of it earlier on this morning and you’ve got nothing left to smother on that piping hot breakfast

Can your insurance company guarantee you for all of this? I sincerely doubt it.

Don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable position; get butter cover now before the worst happens. You butter believe we’re the best in the biz!

Avatar Meeting Charles Darwin

It was a great honour to find Charles Darwin himself hard at work when we visited the Charles Darwin Research Station’s museum. I thought it was just named after him but it turns out he has an office there.

Anyway, we had a nice face to face chat, and I told him that I was a massive fan of evolution, and then he was kind enough to pose for a photo with me.

Nice man. Full of life and realism. If you bump into him say hello from Chris.

Avatar No judgement here

I get it.

You’re out with the lads and you’re having a great time. You’ve been on the bevs for most of the afternoon and now the evening. The night is creeping in. You haven’t eaten in hours.

You catch the last bus home and even though your sense of timing for public transport is spot on, by the time you reach your destination your favourite takeaway is closed.

Curses, you think, why must they shut this early? Don’t they want my business? Don’t they want my £2.50 for a bag of chips (or whatever your regional financial equivalent is – we all know rubbish London pounds are)?

Left with no option but to raid the cupboards, your choices are slim. The freezer is practically empty too because you’re due a food shop tomorrow. It’s time to face facts; waiting over two hours for a McDelivery isn’t going to help anything. You’re already whammed and you need something to soak up the alcohol.

It’s time to do something drastic.

It’s time to open that tin youve been saving for an emergency.

You wake up the next day with a thick, brown, meaty rim around your lips and you have no idea how it got there.

Avatar Airport review: Lima


Don’t worry, I’m not going to review every airport we go to. Already I’ve saved you from having to hear my thoughts on Heathrow, Cusco International, Puerto Maldonado and the questionably-named Baltra Ecological Airport in the Galapagos, which is where I’m sitting as I write this.

But you don’t get to escape the big hitters. Adopt the brace position as we head for Lima.

Read More: Airport review: Lima »

Avatar Phase phrase competition – August

Ah ha! What a blinder of a month July was. Absolutely hilarious. I know I’ll be quoting some of them for years to come and soon everyone else will be too. When it comes to awards season, July will be the one to beat.

*awkward coughing and the sound of shuffling papers*

Where do we go from here then? What could August possibly offer to beat the wunderkind that was the previous month? Onwards and upwards, dear viewer, let’s keep on choogling:

  • Read my pants, baby, you’re catching the train to spanksville – guaranteed gold chat-up line for the younger crowd
  • Bend your hands the wrong way and you’ll never tell me the right time – sounds like the wise words of a kind soul, as long as you don’t think about it too much
  • You left it too late and now it’s snouts for everyone – way to kick someone when they’re already down, doesn’t have to specifically be about serving food to people
  • Tickle my cloisters, it’s time for a party! – shout it as you enter a room to get it buzzing like a fly gym
  • Cap it sucker, you’re on borrowed time – cool tough guy phrase to knock out when you’re wasting bad guys

Can you feel the love tonight?

Let me know if there’s anything that YOU say that could be a potential phrase. We’re past the halfway point, hurtling towards the autumnal season, so there may be a special seasonal variation coming up soon (if I can remember that is).

Avatar PSA – don’t eat the oreos

Everyone loves delicious oreos.

Mmmm, right? Nobody can resist the tasty taste of oreos because there’s something for everyone. Love biscuit? Got you. Love squishy things in the middle of biscuits? You’re covered. Love ripping things in half to feel superior over something for once when you’re trapped in a horrific existence where you’re in control of nothing? Also this!

There are, however, flavours of oreos that should not exist and this is one of them:

Whatever you do, don’t eat the ice cream flavour oreos.

I found these being sold for cheap and my curiosity got the better of me. They look okay, let’s give these a go, I thought. I was so very, very wrong.

When you first put one in your mouth everything seems okay, nothing out of place here. It’s the aftertaste that really kills the entire experience. The closest thing I can compare it to is it’s as though you’ve swallowed a blueberry vape. Someone turned the vape juice into a solid and stuck it in an oreo.

It’s disgusting. You have been warned.