Avatar How do I get my parcel?

We came home the other day to find a parcel had been delivered. The driver had left it on the doorstep right in front of the front door.

Inside the door, we found a little card that the driver had pushed through the letterbox.

It said they had left the parcel in the safe location “front step”. Then, further down, it asked how do I get my parcel?

It then said they would return to deliver it tomorrow. So we left it on the step until the next day. But the next day the driver didn’t come back and they didn’t deliver our parcel.

The next suggestion was that we go to www.yodel.co.uk to choose a new delivery date or arrange to collect it from a depot. When we visited the website it asked for the parcel number, but the parcel number was not on the card.

In desperation, we called the Yodel hotline and explained that the card didn’t tell us the parcel number. The operator asked for our postcode instead. We gave them our postcode. They said the parcel had been delivered. We explained what had been written on the card and that we were following their instructions to get it.

At this point the penny dropped. We didn’t need to arrange a delivery, said the operator. We just needed to collect it. So we went back out to the doorstep to collect our parcel, bringing the Yodel card, one item of photographic ID and a utility bill to prove our name and address. Now we have our parcel.

We opened it. Everything inside was wet from the rain overnight. We’re sending it back.

Avatar Phase phrase competition – June (best of the best)

Hello, I must be going.

Until that happens though, let’s have a sift through the wonders of this year. Let’s take a skiffle at the best of the best (so far) when it comes to the efforts of trying to come up with a brand new expression or phrase to add to the world.

What has happened so far? Where have you been? You’ve missed so much. Based on viewer feedback and extensive focus group research, these are the greatest of the gold:

  • Cough it up, wank bread
  • Out of the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed
  • Control Alt Discreet!
  • May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again
  • Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up
  • Leave the beef on the bench

March was the most successful month coming up with a whopping three contenders.

There’s also the added bonus that Kev said THE THING and now it’s his thing because he says it all the time, and we wouldn’t want to upset the lad by telling him he has to give it back. No no, it’s much better to still leave it in the running with a bit of a caveat on the side.

With so much choice, we’re all eating good this season. Let me know if any others take your fancy and whether you’ve started crimsonly using them in polite conversation.

Onwards and upwards!

Avatar Perfect for all the family

Do you like sport?

Do you like families?

Do you like ball-based sports?

Then you need sport balls!

This unbeatable set includes:

  • A football, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so cannot be used to play football
  • A basketball, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so cannot be used to play basketball
  • A tennis ball, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so can be used to play tennis if you don’t mind the ball not bouncing or travelling far enough because it has the wrong weight and ballistic properties
  • A baseball, which is 8cm in diameter and made of foam, so cannot be used to play baseball

Perfect for all the family!

Avatar An ominous warning

Recently we got a new treadmill thing, which allows you to go for a walk inside your house. This is useful for exercise and also for avoiding scenery if the natural world is disgusting to you.

I took a look at the instructions to see if there was any important information there that wasn’t immediately obvious when looking at the four-button control panel (on, off, faster, slower). It told me some vital information about the dimensions and operating parameters of the machine.

And then, at the bottom, it told me something else.

I don’t know what it’s going to do to me. I don’t know what its plan is.

I only know that, in the end, it will win.

Avatar Phrase phase competition – May

You don’t need me to tell you what’s what.

You know I swan up with very little fanfare and whip out a couple of blinders. It’s only a matter of time before we go global and, I don’t know, Margot Robbie is having afternoon tea with Timothy Shallamoose and they’re saying our catchphrases between the sandwich and cake course.

Let’s whip up a storm:

  • Shat in a pampers! – it feels good saying it out loud. Try it the next time you accidentally hit your thumb with a hammer
  • You get the lentils, I’ll get the bleach – always use responsibly, to check if someone is actually listening to you
  • Park it where I can see it – possible sitcom zinger, used by sitcom mum to keep sitcom kids in check
  • Claw ’em, core ’em, floor ’em – a personal phrase from the one and only Tad Kensington. It’d take too long to explain it (so see below*)
  • Put your potatoes away, I’m not interested – it depends on the context

Now that we’re almost halfway through the year, next month will be a ‘best of the best’ showcasing all the gold we’ve dug up so far.

I personally can’t wait.

(*When you really want the razzle dazzle for that big presentation, you have to prove to people that you’re really willing to go that extra mile. First up is the clawing, getting your nails into them, showing them who’s boss and that you won’t let go without a fight. Second up is core ’em, strip them bare right down to their very being. Not to humiliate but to unearth what the person really wants. To get right to it and understand what’s going on. Once you’re there, take to the stage to bring it home. Floor them, floor them all so you’ll walk away with a smile and your commission several times over).

Avatar How to speak British

You might think you know how to speak the language of Great Blighty, but just because you picked it up as a child doesn’t mean you’ve fully grasped its intricacies. Thankfully the internet is full of helpful advice for those trying to master British English, and in this post I’m going to round up some of the key findings for you.

Food

Every guide seems to begin with food words. In Britain, eggplants are called aubergines and zucchini are called courgettes. Then we have some more useful translations from YMT Vacations:

WordTranslation into British
ChipsCrisps
BeerJar
CheetosPuff snacks
DoritosDoritos
Slices of cured hamRashers

Vogue add that flapjacks are “not pancakes”, though they have no information about what flapjacks actually are.

Nouns

What do you call that thing? If you want to avoid just pointing at something, you need to know its name. Thankfully Vogue knows a lot more about what things are called.

WordTranslation into British
ToiletLoo
ElevatorLift
UniformKit
PregnancyUp the Duff

Quintain Living helpfully throw in some more common nouns that you might require. Don’t make the mistake of using the words on the left if you want to avoid being laughed at.

WordTranslation into British
KissSnog
ManBloke
Toilet paperBog roll
Police officerRozzer

On that final point, YMT Vacations also helpfully share their understanding that the common British term for a police car is “jam sandwich”.

Idioms and phrases

If you really want to speak like a native Britisher, you should sprinkle some common Brit-sayings into your conversation to convince the locals that you too are from Fair Albion’s green and pleasant shores. Vogue have soaked up the culture and offer the following extensive list.

WordTranslation into British
WeirdDodgy
CrayBonkers
GrossGammy
UglyButters
DatingCourting

YMT Vacations don’t know many common phrases, but they do know that if the weather is bad you should say it’s “blowing a hooley”.

We will give the last word to Quintain Living, though, who recommend avoiding the heavily Americanised phrase “go away”. Instead you should tell British people to “sod off”.

With all this advice you should have no trouble fitting in to British society and you’ll be the King of Downton Abbey in no time. Pip pip!

Avatar Old tat? Yes please!

How are you for gravel? Got enough?

Are you looking for a beautiful hand-made gift for a loved one?

Are you craving some more bits to fill up your cupboards, drawers and/or shed?

Free and affordable items are few and far between these days. Luckily there are mega chads still out there willing to part with their prized possessions for next to nothing, and sometimes nothing.

My local Facebook group has never let me down. Let me show you some of the treasures that have come up over the last month:

My favourite, by a mile and a half, has the be the one below because it makes me smile so much. I burst out laughing the first time I saw it:

The words, “whatever you see them as” will forever send me into tiny giggles. I’m considering writing them on the wall in the living room; it’s the new ‘live laugh love’.

Take a look at YOUR local Facebook group. Perhaps YOU’LL find something too.