The Fabled Notebook
The Fabled Notebook was an Office institution. It chronicles the life and times of the Office from November 2001 to March 2002. O glorious days that they were.
In this most glorious account, entries were written by:
(D) – Dave
(DT) – Chuckie
(CM) – C. James Marshall III
(GJ) – George Jones
6th November
Around the edge of your compass you should find a variety of different ruler markings to help you measure distances on a variety of maps (CM)
7th November
Gooseberries prefer a well-drained soil (CM)
8th November
“Funkle get yer teeth.� (CM)
12th November
“My loins can’t go on anymore�. (CM)
The first task here is to recognise that a question is a salt hydrolysis question. (CM)
“EVERYDAY IS REMEMBERANCE DAY� Chuckie (DT)
13th November
“Mounted whiteboard�. (CM)
14th November
“ON “CHUCKIES ONSLAUGHT� ALL THE SOVIETS KILLED AND ALL OF THE ALLIES NOT INC. ABOUT 12 BOATS AND ONE TECHNICIAN LABELLED No. 9.
NET RESULT: –
– 14% ECONOMY
– 0% LEADERSHIP
– 199 ALLIES KILLED
– 206 SOVIETS (but we may re-load it and kill more ships to make ally kills exceed soviet)â€? (DT)
15th November
“Vaulting ambition, total control�. (CM)
Switch before winding (CM)
16th November
Chuckie wins a webtat pen! Congratulations! (CM)
Never complicate things by doing everything right! (D)
He stole my thought before I had a chance to think of it! (D)
(DAVE JUST GRINS) (D)
19th November
Teslatanks = yes (CM)
20 NOV 2001
“ELECTRON. PORN ROMP� brackets open In Russian accent close brackets (DT)
“I like Banana yoghurt� (D)
“Indigo is a nice colour� (GJ)
21st NOVEMBER
“Whup they ass�. (CM)
Blow that out your ass and smoke it JIM! (D)
22th NOVEMBER
“I didn’t get the dog. There were all these people and they stopped talking and stared at me�. (CM)
“Marshall Law� – (Pun not intended) (DT)
26th November
Dave has a female aura (oh yeah) (CM)
27/11/01
They fit in but they don’t fire – (CM)
“1 white board and a pen� (GJ)
28th NOVEMBER
MEUEUR Bidit bidit bidit bidit. MEUEUR (CM)
What the blimey hell do you think you’re playing at? (CM)
29th November
Beans
Produce methane
Make you fart. (CM)
30th November
“Nuke troop, a woo ooo!� (D)
“That didn’t do much taking that screw out! Oh it did, I got a lump of metal!� (D)
3rd December
“Adoingly Adoingly adoringly!� (D)
CHEMISTRY BOY!
Revised edition:
CHEMISTRY BWOI! (D)
BIG MOLECULES = SCARY! (DT)
4nd DECEMBER 2001
Jazzy seediness (CM)
“Let’s gangbang dinner� (CM)
“Emotional bigotry?�
Hello
Mr. Cockall
What did you write?
NOTHING! (D)
6th DECEMAMEMBER
BLU-TACK BASKET BWOI! (CM)
That all the balls you got Santa? (GJ)
TENSION IN THE RANKS! (D)
7th December
PinkyPinkyPinkyCheeseCheeseCheeseCheesep (D)
The beauty of Wood or conviniance of PVC… You have to choose. (DT)
Dongloss: FREE LUNCH BOX (D)
10th December
National Super! Goody Battery makey thing! (D)
11th December
Pelvic thrusts to Bing Crosby = NO
Pelvic thrusts to Mariah Carey = YES (D)
12st DECEMBER
Piggyvids! (CM)
Deer hunter, you have to shoot deer!
De ya? Joke
Deer? (D)
BOING! (D)
13th December
“They call him Corporal, Corporal Chuckie!� (D)
EIGHTIES GUITAR SOLO, QVC STYLEE! (D)
14th December
YE SHIT! YE MAM’S SHIT! (D)
17th December 4 DAYS!!!
Ah, mm, eh, ah, ow, eh, mm, my world, eh mm, ah, eh, eh, ow, ah, mm, girl, ah, yeah, eh, ah, mm, ah, ow, eh, my world, ah, mm, OW. (CM)
NO MUSIC + NO DRIVER = SHOD (CM)
18th December 3 DAYS!!
“You have the gums of a god� (D)
“Jesus Christ it smells like someone’s farted mayonnaise� (D)
19th December 2 DAYS!!
George is excited… oh dear! (D)
MIND YOR FEET DEEVE! (D)
Type in climate first in searchness. (CM)
FAIRY LIGHTS!
20th December 1 DAY!!
Who’s going to win?
MY LOINS (D)
OKTION = Auction (D)
Tumbridge Wells (D)
I MING
I’M A MUNTER (D)
CHRISTMAS PARTY PAGE!!! (aka 21st December)
IM FLAMING HIS GROIN (D)
CREAMY MOUTH FILLED GOODNESS (D)
MUSICAL CHAIRS (CM)
DECEMBER 25 (Christmas Day)
Quite cold today
Dave was tedious on RED ALERT
Silly antics 7+8
New blue tack basket by Chuckie.
George turned music down. (GJ)
7th
7th January
I like my songs hast and fard! (D)
19 + 16 = 25 (?!?) (D)
And in her EYES you see NOTHING! (D)
8th January
Bin Emptied for first time since donkeys Years (tests show early quaternary period (17thNov01)) (DT)
_________________
“RENH eooh OEnh� (DT)
9th January
We’re helping the children to help the children. Because if we don’t help the children then no one will help the children and then the children won’t be helped. (D)
Can’t they help themselves? (CM)
10st JANUARY
TRUE HEAT (CM)
Lesbian cow orgy (CM)
By the way…
MARSHALL isn’t here (even though he is). (D)
11th January
Homemade tesla coils = YES (but boring) fl They’re fake! (D)
HE RUBBED OFF MY COLPHIN!!!! (D)
HEY! (in quite camp + silly voice) (D)
It’s a Fish Conspiracy against George. Ha! (D)
14st JANUARY National Chocolate Orange DAY! (D)
TARDS = FUCKERS!! (CM)
0.25 of an hour = 1/4 of an hour = 15 minutes. So HA. (CM)
15th January
Message in the bottle = lies (DT)
Cranwick springwater suitors shouldn’t be discredited just because they don’t look as nice as Dr. Pepper! (D)
“I’m the slickest there is, I’m the quickest there is, did I say I’m the slickest there is?â€? – YES! ARGH Limp song lyric there Willie (D)
16th January
Up the groinal ass! (D)
Big Willy style. (CM)
TINTOLPHASITATION BITCH! (D)
That’s pissing me shitless! (D)
It’s all red. RED I tell you RED. (except the top bit) (GJ)
17th January
EMERGENCY FISH! (D)
Lemons… (faces of sadness and sacredness) (D)
It’s still a long way to Tipperary. (CM)
18th January SHOTGUN = YES
Rectalphasic (D)
CHEMISTRY! KA? FUCK YOU ALL! (D)
AAAAARGH – URGE TO KILL (DT)
In order to lower the grade boundaries and make our exam grades look good we must Kill all the chemistry students in the nation! The Country! THE WORLD! – is Power mad (D)
21th January
[space with shocking lines around it] (D)
Chemistry revision + Aerosmith = SHOD (D)
22nd January
YOU’RE NOT LAWRENCE-LLEWLYN BOWEN!
Thank God! (D)
Pillbox… in your ass! (D)
I think my trousers are melting (D)
BOLLOCKS YOU DID (CM)
23rd January
Mother fucking George is in Quarantine baby bitch ass mam fucker westside buggery arse poo limper-groinal-man loins groovy whore willy bottom lemons (surprisingly, D)
MILLION (ticked off) (D, tick is CM)
BIGGER (CM)
Two hearts living in just one mind ‡ (Marshall’s infamous Phil Collins pic) (D)
24st JANUARY
You can’t sail a shit with only half the tards (yesterday). (CM)
Chair broke (CM)
SINGING BALLADS oh my god (CM)
Transgenic Bananas and pigs? Yes please! (D)
It’s solely on the ligaments! ligens! ligands – DAVE’S AN IDIOT! (D)
Fucking M****S and C*******Y! Fuck ‘em in the ass! (D)
Screw their EYES! (D)
NATIONAL SILLY WEEK 28nd JANUARY
Melancholy Monday (CM)
“bang� (CM)
“É� (DT)
pelvic thrusts to Simon + Garfunkel = NO (CM)
Crocodiles aren’t warm blooded creatures… UNLESS you microwave them!! (D)
“Cocoa heart, hard on by you…� (D)
“What grey chair?� (GJ)
29ST january
I’m there, chew on this, lets rock. (GJ)
Hello I am Jerry Loins of Loinford academy. Your loins have been selected to take part in Loinsfest 2002, celebrating the greatness of LOINS! (D)
31 KITKAT CHUNKYS!!! (D)
National Kit Kat Chunky Day! (DT)
30th Janvoy
Dave homemade explosive poison gas. (DT)
“Chuckie’s aura goes out to here!� “Don’t touch it! (DT)
Kit-kat Chunkys and paper do not go well together (D)
Limbs + loins, RARAM’S coins, buying our stuff, Dave’s guff! (D)
LAST DAY OF JANUARY!! (31th)
Dear Tony Blair
Please do better at
Running the country
From Dave XXX (CM)
MUCH CHOCOLATE (GJ)
Free! as a bird (CM)
Wanna maybe wanna munter (D)
And the eggs! And the eggs! – Sing repeatedly (D)
1ST FEBRUARY
THE WEEK THAT WAS
MONDAY – We (Didn’t) break a chair that was already half broken
TUESDAY – Bought 31 KitKat Chunkys. Put them in a box £10.85
WEDNESDAY – Dave ate 5 pages of some Performance Management Policy November 2000. Filled a Lemon fanta bottle with squirty cream, de-pressurised it and left it in the vending machine in the Sixth Form.
THURSDAY – Dave wrote a letter to Tony Blair using a big red marker and his foot (right). Posted it. Chuckie, Marshall and Dave drew a giant war scene on the whiteboard in the 6th form.
FRIDAY – Marshall came to school wearing two pairs of pants. Dave came with no pants. Stole a solution, called it Lilly.
EPILOGUE: 35 PEE-EACH!
35 PEACH! (D)
4th February
“Operation Whimsical PICIE� a failure. Ground TOO impassible need to invest in technology to over come this’ (signed Chuckie). (DT)
“Yagooo!!!!!!!!!� (DT)
“Get that crate George!� (DT)
“No I want my ore truck to get..� (blown up) (GJ)
Handing stuff to Dave (CM)
SQUIP! (D)
DAVE 1128 (D)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (CM)
5th February
WHAT??
FINE!
YEH! (CM)
DAVE 1628 (D)
“Wouldn’t it be cool to be a Chinchilla?� (D)
Bandages! Bandages! (Dave flails arms) (CM)
“Men… more minging… menga mong!� (D)
6th February
“Men
More minging
Menga mong!� (D)
DOLPHIN SUBMARINES (D)
See that? That’s wrong. (CM)
KEEP TRYING (DT)
Mr Cockall writes news reports!!! (GJ)
Shhh (?)
[Pencil conversation of quietness:]
Can we talk yet? (D)
I hope so, this is shit (CM)
It’s shit, it’s mams shit! (D)
Can we shout that out in a moment? (CM)
Yes I think we should. We should shouldn’t we? (D)
We SHOULD, shouldn’t we? When though? (CM)
Erm, now? (D)
Count to 3, he can’t see you. (CM)
Ok, 1, 2, 3 (D)
7th February
Where’s the book?! (CM)
Oh… here it is! George found it. (CM)
EGGS (D)
Yummy (DT)
8th February
Nobody… is here… apart from… me and Chuckie… oh dear… check it out… no awards… Craig David… help me! (D)
DE DO DO DO DE DA DA DA IS ALL I WANT TO SAY TO YOU (D)
SHOD! (D)
Beatles and war – what is it for? Hard ass bitch Core! I’m beginning to bore (D)
[Garfield face] (D)
18th February Eyes should never be blue!
THEFT! (CM)
Reported: the loss of several quids worth of Kit Kat Chunkys. (D)
Pleasant Monday = Fucked off Monday (D)
COMMUNIST BASTARDS! (CM)
19th February 2002
“SHITTY TUESDAY� (DT)
“Horace Plunkett�
7 months of history notes and coursework on the tip. HMK not done for next.
A year to do Geology coursework and has to be handed in today finishing it in last 10 mins.
All of this makes this Tuesday Shit (DT)
“Crate
Crit Crat
Crat-Crony� (D)
All 3252 But mainly George + Chuckie + 1002193 DOSH! (D)
20/02/2002 HA DAVE! ITS FILLED
Palindromic!!! (Chris gets all excited) (CM)
or 20.02.02 still works!!! (DT)
WRONG WEDNESDAY (CM)
George + Chuckie = EXCITED (CM)
NEARLY FULL (GJ)
NO MORE SPACE! (DT)
“, so mulch with well rotted compost each spring,� (CM)
“weiviel RAM Ihnen zur� (CM)
CUSTARD CREAMS = WRONG
Thick Thursday
Erm… It’s empty. (GJ)
ERONIUS FRIDAY
These biscuits are eronius! (D)
FIRE IN THE HOLE! (D)
HATE WEEK
MONDAY – LIGHT
SMG ROUNDS – “We’re the best bullets in the Bis!� (D)
Wanna AH wanna AH wanna AAA-AA-AAAH. (CM)
Mack up the ram (GJ)
National Cupboard Day. (CM)
Shoot speed, kill light! (D)
HATE WEEK
TUESDAY – NOISE
Ssssssssssh! (CM)
“I wish Mr. Smith was my dad� (DT)
“I GOT A MEDAL� (GJ)
says George (D)
HATE WEEK
WEDNESDAY – THE COLD
Didn’t anybody tell her?
Didn’t anybody see? (D)
DON’T BUY GEORGE ANYMORE AEROS!!! or afros or aeronautical gear (D)
Third bunkness installed (CM)
TURDY BROWN (D)
HATE WEEK
THURSDAY – SILENCE
Get you head away from my food! (Chuckie covers biscuits) (CM)
Three people in cupboard all break! (CM)
We’ll keep the cupboard (D)
HATE WEEK
FRIDAY – SCHOOL
I might have fixed it but it burnt my fingers. There was dust everywhere (DT)
“SILLY
REALLY
REALLY
SILLY� (D)
Sometimes both George and Chuckie dot their ‘G’s’!!!! (D)
LAWNSAND (D)
THE END … (D)
The Second Notebook
Recovered pages from the now lost “2nd Notebook� that almost all didn’t agree with. It was continued behind George’ back but we lost interest after a few days and it JUST wasn’t like the original one. They include relevant information to the office experience though.
Tuesday 5th March
Doggy woof woof BOW wow! (REPEAT (D)
PUNTA MEDIA! (D)
FUCK PILES! SOLID SKIRT! THICK SHIRT! SHOOT IT! (D)
Run you chewy cum stain!! (D)
Thursday 7th March
THINGS! (D)
Medal of Honour, it’s like Die Hard with better guns (D)
THINGS! (CM)