Puffins?This year’s Puffins? day coincides with the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States, so to mark the occasion, here are 250 puffins, some of whom are waving American flags, and some of whom are dressed as Abraham Lincoln.
(I’m aware that there are not 250 puffins in this picture. AI doesn’t understand precise numbers. It just drew a lot of them.)
Glasses everywhereGuys, I’m thrilled – absolutely THRILLED – that everyone has been so enthusiastic about my new Public Glasses mission. We’ve only been going for a couple of months and already I know the whole nation is behind me. The money isn’t pouring in yet, but I’m sure that will follow.
Just the other day while I was out walking the dog, I noticed some Public Glasses that someone had kindly left there.
This is absolutely wonderful and it’s just the kind of thing I had hoped for.
However, shortly after I took this picture, the dog came over and had a wee up against the tree stump. (For your benefit I have not included a picture of that.) The glasses were unaffected, but this highlights for me the importance of Kev’s solemn pledge to supply a special weatherproof Hat-a-Glasses for every pair of Public Glasses out there. With a rainproof and pissproof Hat-a-Glasses these municipal specs would never have been at risk from my dog’s full bladder.
Anyway – the movement is just getting started. Perfection will come in time. For now, let’s just be glad that we’re on the way to a brighter future, and also, let’s not lose sight of the fact that it continues to be very important that you donate all your money to me. I mean to the charity. Thanks.
How do I get my parcel?We came home the other day to find a parcel had turned up. The driver had left it on the doorstep right in front of the front door.
Inside the door, we found a little card that the driver had pushed through the letterbox.
It said they had left the parcel in the safe location “front step”. Then, further down, it asked how do I get my parcel?
In answer, it said they would return to deliver it tomorrow. So we left it on the step until the next day. But the next day the driver didn’t come back and they didn’t deliver our parcel.
The next suggestion was that we go to www.yodel.co.uk to choose a new delivery date or arrange to collect it from a depot. When we visited the website it asked for the parcel number, but the parcel number was not on the card.
In desperation, we called the Yodel hotline and explained that the card didn’t tell us the parcel number. The operator asked for our postcode instead. We gave them our postcode. They said the parcel had been delivered. We explained what had been written on the card and that we were following their instructions to get it.
At this point the penny dropped. We didn’t need to arrange a delivery, said the operator. We just needed to collect it. So we went back out to the doorstep to collect our parcel, bringing the Yodel card, one item of photographic ID and a utility bill to prove our name and address. Now we have our parcel.
We opened it. Everything inside was wet from the rain overnight. We’re sending it back.
Perfect for all the familyDo you like sport?
Do you like families?
Do you like ball-based sports?
Then you need sport balls!
This unbeatable set includes:
Perfect for all the family!
An ominous warningRecently we got a new treadmill thing, which allows you to go for a walk inside your house. This is useful for exercise and also for avoiding scenery if the natural world is disgusting to you.
I took a look at the instructions to see if there was any important information there that wasn’t immediately obvious when looking at the four-button control panel (on, off, faster, slower). It told me some vital information about the dimensions and operating parameters of the machine.
And then, at the bottom, it told me something else.
I don’t know what it’s going to do to me. I don’t know what its plan is.
I only know that, in the end, it will win.
How to speak BritishYou might think you know how to speak the language of Great Blighty, but just because you picked it up as a child doesn’t mean you’ve fully grasped its intricacies. Thankfully the internet is full of helpful advice for those trying to master British English, and in this post I’m going to round up some of the key findings for you.
Every guide seems to begin with food words. In Britain, eggplants are called aubergines and zucchini are called courgettes. Then we have some more useful translations from YMT Vacations:
| Word | Translation into British |
|---|---|
| Chips | Crisps |
| Beer | Jar |
| Cheetos | Puff snacks |
| Doritos | Doritos |
| Slices of cured ham | Rashers |
Vogue add that flapjacks are “not pancakes”, though they have no information about what flapjacks actually are.
What do you call that thing? If you want to avoid just pointing at something, you need to know its name. Thankfully Vogue knows a lot more about what things are called.
| Word | Translation into British |
|---|---|
| Toilet | Loo |
| Elevator | Lift |
| Uniform | Kit |
| Pregnancy | Up the Duff |
Quintain Living helpfully throw in some more common nouns that you might require. Don’t make the mistake of using the words on the left if you want to avoid being laughed at.
| Word | Translation into British |
|---|---|
| Kiss | Snog |
| Man | Bloke |
| Toilet paper | Bog roll |
| Police officer | Rozzer |
On that final point, YMT Vacations also helpfully share their understanding that the common British term for a police car is “jam sandwich”.
If you really want to speak like a native Britisher, you should sprinkle some common Brit-sayings into your conversation to convince the locals that you too are from Fair Albion’s green and pleasant shores. Vogue have soaked up the culture and offer the following extensive list.
| Word | Translation into British |
|---|---|
| Weird | Dodgy |
| Cray | Bonkers |
| Gross | Gammy |
| Ugly | Butters |
| Dating | Courting |
YMT Vacations don’t know many common phrases, but they do know that if the weather is bad you should say it’s “blowing a hooley”.
We will give the last word to Quintain Living, though, who recommend avoiding the heavily Americanised phrase “go away”. Instead you should tell British people to “sod off”.
With all this advice you should have no trouble fitting in to British society and you’ll be the King of Downton Abbey in no time. Pip pip!
Rescued by an old friendWhen we bought our house five years ago, we moved in to a former military town where all the army things were being steadily demolished and replaced with new housing estates. As part of this new utopian vision, we kept being told that there would be a new town centre, which would one day materialise on the big patch of derelict space in the middle of town five minutes’ walk from our new place.
Over the years we’ve kept hearing stories about all the brilliant things that will be there once they build it, putting a range of wonderful conveniences on our doorstep. But the big derelict space continued to be big, derelict and empty. Would we even live to see this fabled wonderland, this Eden of small town commerce?
Well, finally, things are changing. A couple of months ago work started to build the steel frames of the first building, which will be a big Sainsbury’s, soon to be surrounded by other things as part of a phased construction project. And in the last couple of weeks, with people and cranes and diggers on site, new signs have gone up to advertise the company building it. I couldn’t be more delighted. Look who it is!
As yet, though, no sign of their cufflinks or their children. I’ll keep looking.
Big IanWe all know how slow bureaucracy can be. Fill in the forms and wait years for action. Call every day only to be put on hold with no explanation. But eventually it all pays off.
We all know that fathers of grown ups are Big. Our lives have been overseen by these titans of parenthood. But one among us has reached this status for themselves, and now – despite cutbacks in the civil service and the lack of urgency in the postal system – his official certificate has arrived.
It’s time for us to acknowledge Big Ian.
