From the archives: Ian’s essay

A billion years ago, Ian and I had the use of a teacher’s office at school. When we left school we missed this tightly controlled social space, and a wave of nostalgia washed over us in the aimless days between finishing sixth form and starting to live in the real world.

While still feeling the aftershocks, Ian put pen to paper and wrote this essay about his time there, which for some reason I have on an old hard drive.

A small SSSSSS-SSSSSS-Essay by Dave

Why did I love the office? Well, being four score 90 years and a bit, I feel it is my duty as an ex-member of the office to explain to the people who never experienced the office (clumsy heathens!) because it is inexplainable. Don’t think you can stop me. I have credentials now, and a bank account. Do you know where most of the money go… anyway

The office, a stalwart if ever there was a stalwart. I remember the first time walking in there; I didn’t have a fucking clue what to think. There was this guy who I remember playing P.E. with, mainly cos we both sucked at it (George). There was this guy who sat at the back of my Biology class in year 9 and everyone knew his name, I just kinda didn’t know who the hell he was, well my back was turned to him so it’s not my fault (Chuckie). And another guy called Marshall, who looked like Kelly Jones (although he claims he isn’t). Alex was there too, twas a brisk and subtle morning sometime in a year. I started off as a cleaner and rose to the ranks of an equal amongst the others. We had a government and all. There were many times my head hurt and we ate biscuits. Thankyou goodnight!

…… …….. …….

Was that clear enough or is it just me? Ok, so we were a bit nerdish but that wasn’t the point! We had a place to go that was warm, safe, full of food, nearby, had a computer to play music and doss about with, and a private table to do work on if we could be arsed. I couldn’t. Chuckie did when it was 5 minutes before his Geography lesson. George did most of his at home and Marshall hardly ever turned up to Art. Yet we all still passed EVERYTHING so it just goes to show, you can get away with it. Thankyou goodnight!

….. ………………….. blip

In all honesty school was fucking fuckshit. The only reason to bother going was the office. It will always remain in our hearts, and remind us not to take life seriously as a wise young Greecian once told me, “Life is for living” and ain’t that the truth baby!

By Dave – 30 minutes before work

Speccy four eyes

As you will be aware, the relentless march of time has taken its toll on my previously top notch eyeballs, and I am now officially a man in need of glasses. Only just – it’s a very slight prescription for reading small text – but this is the start of a slippery slope and, if my optician is to be believed, I’ll be squinting at the world through lenses like the bottom of a jam jar in no time.

Anyway, all of this means that I now have to choose a new facial accessory, so today I spent some time choosing what my face will now look like, or at least what it will look like in the moments where I’m trying to read small writing at close range.

I’m not going to tell you which ones I chose – that will be a cliffhanger that helps me wring out another post – but I can show you some of the options.

Please enjoy this gallery of my face wearing what we can refer to as Candidate Spectacles, and let me know if you think you can spot the ones I went for in the end.

A touching tribute

Walking through London recently, I came across what would otherwise be just another shop selling tacky shite to tourists.

I nearly ignored it completely until I noticed the act of public service they were performing. The whole of the shop window was not being used to sell their tasteless wares. Instead, it had been given over entirely to display a deeply moving tribute, providing a focus for the grief and gratitude of all those passing by.

In the window was this.

Yes. It’s Queen Elizabeth II, with Marilyn Monroe’s hair.

Just how we all remember her.

Further culture in the workplace

You might recall that, in years gone by, I made attempts to introduce a little high-minded art to the banal surroundings of a toilet at work, first with a renaissance masterpiece and then with something a little more abstract. More recently, an unknown colleague of mine got in on the act with an artwork of a different kind.

Well, once again the joyless drudges from facilities management have noticed something amiss and taken action. There can be no pleasure and no enjoyment. The A5 picture frame in the men’s toilet is not there to hold a picture, it is there to be empty, and so they have emptied it.

Not to worry. I don’t give up that easily. We have been through realism, abstract art and pop culture. I decided it’s time for the postmodern. Time for meta-art.

I present to you my masterpiece.

This, I think, has two really great positives.

It makes a bold statement about the banality of a world where the corporate system can only tolerate the existence of a picture frame if it is empty, and asks, in the cultural desert of the workplace, is the frame itself the only art that can be permitted?
It is the same colour as everything around it so they might not notice it for a long time.

Once again, the game is afoot. Let’s see how long this one lasts.

Dog name taxonomy

Pets accrue nicknames like boats attract barnacles; we know this instinctively. Names evolve and grow organically as time goes on. But has anyone ever tried to pin this process down using science?

Until today, no. Enter Christopher J. 5156, scientist, to bring order to this world. I have methodically pinned down the names we use for our brilliant dog and charted their evolution to show how two original terms – “Fizz”, which is the dog’s actual name, and “dog”, which is what the dog actually is – have evolved into the names we now use for her. (Nobody ever calls her Fizz.)

Calendar expansion pack delivery

The unprecedented girth of this year’s Pouring Beans Calendar has caused many of us difficulty, as we found that only eleven months would fit into the calendar’s patented display case. Thankfully, help is now at hand.

Your delivery of an official Pouring Beans Calendar Patented Display Case Expansion Pack Deluxe™ will take place shortly, and provides more space than is required even for the 2026 Calendar’s pages, which are printed on the same stuff they use for invitations to a coronation.

You will shortly receive:

2x Brick Corner 1x2x2, white

2x Brick 1×6, white

3x Brick 1×8, white

You will additionally receive any nitrile O-rings (20mm diameter) that you may have previously requested as part of the same package.

We recommend inserting these pieces as a new layer in the Display Case, and removing one layer of flat pieces, to obtain the optimum space for your 2026 Calendar. The additional pieces may be stored on the back of the Display Case and brought back into use in future years if Phil at work decides to order even more absurdly luxurious paper than this. However, we are now confident that, whatever arrangement you decide to settle upon, your Display Case is now capable of adapting to any calendar thickness eventuality.

Yours sincerely,

The Pouring Beans Calendar Customer Fulfilment Team

Good boy

Have you been a good boy? There’s one sure-fire way to find out.

I’m sure you know this, but all we have to do is look underneath the priority seating in coach 4 of the 21.53 South Western Railway service from Guildford to Farnham.

Let’s have a look now.

Yes, there we are. So, have you been a good boy?

You have! Well done.

2026 State of the Beans Address

Good evening, and… can you hear me? Sorry, I thought I was muted. Good evening, and thank you for joining me via this video link. I am currently inside the crater of an active volcano and therefore unable to join you in person, but I trust that the pub function room is comfortable and that the buffet of assorted crisps and corn-based snack foods are going down well.

My name is His Holy Eminence The Right Honourable Lieutenant Colonel Professor Lord Sir Elbert Louche, QC (Retired), KBE (Retired, Reinstated), KVCO. It is my great pleasure to have the honour of presenting this, the twelfth annual State of the Beans Address.