Author: Ian “Toasty” McIver

Avatar Pointless Purchase of the Month – July

Ah, go on then. Seeing as you have all been desperate to know what other pointless things I have been spending my money on it’s only fair that we wheel out another pointless purchase of the month. June was pretty quiet but I’ve been looking to get my hands on one of these sweet sweet babies for the past week or so.

And here it is.

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Marvellous. Incredible. Completely pointless. Why? Let’s go over the details:

1. It’s a brilliant game, but I wouldn’t know. I haven’t had a chance to play it yet. I originally bought the special limited edition version which is still sealed in its original packaging, hidden away in the cupboard of wonders. So I do previously own it but decided to buy it again.

2. I actually already own it twice. The special edition and the less special edition, both of which are still sealed. So this would make the third version of the same game which I still haven’t played yet.

3. Even if I wanted to play it I couldn’t. The game requires an additional piece of equipment to strap to the bottom of the Wii remote  which I don’t own. Actually, I do own but it’s contained in the special limited edition version just to make matters that little bit more pointless.

Being the age I am now, owning all the pointless things that I do, sometimes I look at it all and wonder just what the hell it is that I’m playing at. Then I realise that I love it even more because of just how pointless it all is and then I laugh like a potter’s wheel and go to bed.

Avatar Newsboost – Cowvertising Takes Off

Advertising is absolutely everywhere. As you walk the streets hugh billboards dwarf entire cities from miles above. Television and the internet are littered with everything from pop-ups to articles to infomercials and back again to that period ITV needs to rake some cash in between showing a repeat of a Bond film. Just when you thought there was no room left for innovation in the advertising industry, a young farmer from the Lake District takes a spin and leaves modern life trailing behind.

Steven Pouterson works on the ‘Little Hooves’ farm close to Grasmere. He initially got frustrated that a lot of the animals were not fulfilling their potential on the farm and that only having one or two jobs was not enough. His work lasted all day yet they “phoned it in” during the morning and sat around doing nothing else. The worst offenders? Cows, as Steven explains. “There’s nothing there. You can wave your hands in front of their faces and they barely react. They are natures concrete bollards or something equally stationary. It then occurred to me that perhaps there was some way of making money from their laziness.”

Indeed, there is very little money to be made from laziness yet Steven managed to turn a very negative into a super positive.

“Do you know how many people visited the Lake District last year? Around 14.8 million. Do you know how many of them probably saw a cow in a field? All of them. They’re bloody everywhere. So it made sense to use the cows as living, breathing billboards. They have that large expanse of flesh on the side that it just ripe for logos and slogans.”

Since signing some deals with local businesses at the end of 2013, Steven’s “cowvertising” has taken leaps and bounds. Several major brands are looking into using his animals to advertise their products across the Lake District. Given that he has currently over three hundred cows to his name, he is looking at a tidy slice of revenue by the end of 2014. “There’s nothing cruel about it. We hang loose-fitting tabards on the side and the cows do the rest of the work. They’re visible for miles. I mean if you saw a cow with the ‘Dominos Pizza’ logo adorned on it, you would sit up and take notice.”

Several other farm animals have been seen to take an interest in the field. “Horsin’ Around”, a stable over in nearby Patterdale, is considering a similar move into animal advertising. They would have to take into consideration the smaller workspace of the horse’s stomach. Sheep in the area have been quoted as having, “major reservations” about the entire process but refused to offer an official statement.

Avatar Happy Death Day, Mr R. Brek!

It was exactly four years ago that a very good friend of mine died.

Not a lot happened on 24 June 2010, at least for the rest of the world. It was a Thursday. Apparently in some minor tennis tournament some guy beat some other guy in a really long match. Does anyone remember it though? Of course not. It is confined to the annals of history.

What unraveled for me though was the beginning of something special. In life Mr R Brek was, in all honesty, disgusting. A colleague at work had passed me him because they didn’t want him anymore and thought I would prefer his company. So in order to not waste him and his good name I knocked up a batch. It tasted akin to the material they line hamster cages with. I’ve sampled better food off the bathroom floor. One bowl was enough to put me off for the rest of my life.

Sometimes good things come out of bad things though. In life he could bring no joy but shortly afterwards we became great friends. He sat on my desk, smiling away without a care in the world, ready to lift my spirits whenever times were hardest. If there was a joke to be made he was the first to make it. It seemed appropriate to place a ‘Parental Advisory Explicit Content’ sticker on his face given how risque and daring he could be at times. When I changed jobs I brought him home to carry on the good vibes, besides not everyone appreciated his particular brand of humour. It made sense to put his feet up and enjoy life a little.

When I first gave him the idea of a ‘Newsboost’ Twitter feed he scoffed and threw apples at my flat cap, however eventually he came around to my way of thinking. It was at his instance, and his enthusiasm, that I gave him the ‘entertainment’ side wherein he flourished in a manner I would not have imagined four years ago.

So here we are, in 2014, still knocking around like a couple of twenty year olds. I wish him all the best on this day of days and trust that you will all raise a glass in his honour.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to the memory of Mr R. Brek who gave more in death than he ever did in life.

Avatar Strange Adventures in the City

One more for the road before the end of the month hits.

So it’s relatively early on a Thursday morning. It’s half term so I don’t need to take Reuben to school and decide to take it easy. I waltz into the city centre just after nine and help myself to an inexpensive coffee. Whilst I’m stood outside taking it all in I notice someone approaching from my left and I look up. It’s a young lady dressed as though she is returning from a night out with admittedly the worst fake eyelashes I’ve ever seen. She asks for a cigarette so I do the nice thing and pass her one of my spares. This automatically guarantees about three minutes of conversation; that’s what you get when you hand someone a tab these days.

She makes a point of stating that it would take far too long to explain just what is going on so I ask for a shortened version. As it turns out she is just returning from a night out and she is still very much drunk to the point where she can’t stand still stood up and leans against the wall. Her friend has received some excellent news, even though she lives in a different part of the country, and she has been out celebrating with some people for about twelve hours.

It is at this moment I should point out that she is clutching two plastic bags, one of which contains her effects and the other is over-flowing with crisps.

So I listen a little more and offer my opinion on what she should do. She’s tired; I suggest going home to bed. She’s cold; I suggest going home to bed. She wants another cigarette; I’ve only got a Vype vape with me. I’m not trying to get rid of her but it seems like that is the best thing for her at the moment. In her broad Irish accent she asks if I could phone for a taxi and because I’m running out of time to get to work I help her out again. She doesn’t want to be left alone so I stay with her until the taxi arrives. Most of her conversation revolves around how much she is looking forward to going home and that nettle cheese is one of the best cheeses she’s ever tasted. I get that about five or six times, the recommendation and where to purchase it from. I’m also told that pesto goes very well with pasta.

For all my assistance I get a hug and a fond farewell. Was I looking for anything else? My coffee has gone cold. The time has just gone half nine so I need to be on my way. I wasn’t looking for anything else, and I got a cheese recommendation to boot. That suits me fine.

Avatar Pointless Purchase of the Month – May

Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night.

You don’t get a Good Morning though; you’re not good enough.

So it’s come to my attention that I haven’t been telling people about the pointless things I spend my money on. I know that you’re always dying to know so it was only fair that I eventually gave in and spilled the electronical metaphorical beans. I would literally love to spill some beans but I’m too busy for that at the moment.

Take a tasty look at my tasty wears:

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What you are looking at is the limited edition ‘Fort George’ 7″ EP. It’s a marvellous thing to look at, and not just because it is amber ‘beer’ coloured vinyl. A tiny robust collection of music brimming with hooks and other things. If you could put this into your eyes to see how it feels then you would do it. So why, do you ask, is this purchase pointless? The vinyl itself is not; it is a stupendous thing however to me it is pointless for the following reasons:

1. I already own the Minus the Bear song in two different formats.
2. I had to import it from the US, adding to the inital expense.
3. My record player is currently out of action so even if I did want to listen to it I can’t…
4. Well actually that’s incorrect. You do get a digital download with the vinyl but I can never bring myself to lessen the value of the product by actually using it.
5. I bought two just for the hell of it.

So as you can see this was a complete waste of time and an utterly pointless purchase.