Category: Annoyed

Avatar Missing a Bean

I was all set. All on track to get my full bean on the Bean Counter for May. Three in the bag, one post still to make on the 31st to bring me up to the requisite number. Had my topic lined up and everything.

All on track, that is, until I got a text to say that there was a free screening of Labyrinth, the David Bowie goblin king spectacular, in a park near me and did I want to go? Well of course I wanted to go, and go I did, forgetting all about my post and my perilously low post count for May.

I’m not telling you I didn’t enjoy Labyrinth. I did. I enjoyed every moment of it. I cheered along with the crowd whenever Bowie’s leggings were on screen (seriously, he might as well be naked from the waist down) and waved my arms in the air through the voodoo song. I shouted “double yellow lorry” at an appropriate moment. It was great. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it at all.

I’m just saying that waking up this morning and realising that another pea would be permanently added to my record on the Beans has soured it for me, just a little bit. That’s all.

Avatar Words I Hate, part 3

It’s becoming traditional (come on, we’ve been up and running for three months, so anything that’s been running this long definitely counts as a tradition) for me to wheel out another canister of literary vitriol around the start of the month. And seeing as April is looming up ahead of us I’d better get cracking with… another Word I Hate.

This one is short, because the case can be made very quickly and nobody can argue against it.

Fayre

This word doesn’t even need to exist. We have all the words with this sound and this meaning already: we have fair, meaning an outdoor event or celebration, and we have fare, meaning food and drink and perhaps generous hospitality. Fayre is sometimes used in place of both these perfectly good word by idiots who think it lends their temporary Christmas market or their roast beef serving pub some kind of charming air of tradition and jollity. But it doesn’t do that, any more than calling your newsagent Ye Olde Shoppe gives it medieval heritage. It just makes you an idiot who has called your venture a stupid name for misguided reasons. So stop it. You cretin.

Avatar Words I Hate, Part 2

It’s March, and time Marches on. Let’s steal a March on it by looking at another Word I Hate.

Knickers

Many undergarments have ordinary-sounding names. Even something intentionally sexy, like a teddy (which is, of course, short for “teddington”) can have an unsexy name. But knickers? Nothing about it suggests something I want to get involved with. Nothing about it says “here is a thing that might attractively adorn a love interest”. It is even worse than “panties”, which frankly sound like a children’s name for pants and which should not be allowed in any romantic context ever.

Knickers starts with a deadly “kn” letter combination, a piece of linguistic showjumping that automatically takes the pleasure out of a word and gives it an ungainly appearance. And after that the rest of the word is all clacking c’s and k’s and a harsh sibilant ending. No smooth sounds here, no silky suggestions of a soft undergarment concealing the downstairs pleasure gardens of a lover or casual acquaintance. No. Just hard noises and an offputting spelling.

Knickers to it, I say.

Avatar A Mild Irritant

Let’s crack open February with something I need to vent.

There is a lollipop man that works in the same place I work. Not the same building, obviously, but further down the road. His beat, if you will, is on the high street and like with most lollipop men and women it is his job to ensure the safety of people crossing the road. Surely this must be a mistake then? What could I possibly have against this person, this figurehead of the people? It’s very simple.

Let’s split this into three sections:

1) He’s a grump. I may be a grump too however I recognise the moments when to revel in the grump and when to respond to people who are being polite. In my first few weeks walking to and from work I attempted on numerous occasions to smile and communicate positivity towards him and he ignored every single one.

2) He only gets his lollipop out (wa-hey!) for mothers with children and older members of the community. He doesn’t move if you’re me, or you, or someone else who isn’t elderly or pulling a three year old like an overturned wheelie bin.

The worst and most annoying of the three…

3) Where he works, where he crosses the road, where he helps people to cross there is a pelican crossing. There is absolutely NO NEED for him to do what he is being paid to do. You press the button, the green man appears and you cross the road. There is no requirement for his being there. He is completely obsolete. I don’t want anyone to lose their job unless they have to but, for the love of flumps, if someone is paying this man they need to stop.

There. I said it. You can all judge me now if you want to.