Category: Annoyed

Avatar Modern Life is Confusing

So… there’s nothing quite like the English language. It can manipulated and distorted in so many ways that what it resembles now is completely different to how it was a hundred, fifty, even twenty years ago.

That said, sometimes innovation does not happen overnight. You have to allow it to simmer for a while. It will bubble to the surface to get your attention when it is ready to do so. Don’t rush it, for the love of Buster Keaton! I was recently scouring the internet to look for a birthday present for my godson and instead stumbled over this.

Ladies and gentleman, let me present you with a link to the Animal Pig:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B013PX3XYI

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Animal Pig you should know two important things:

  1. This pig is an animal
  2. This animal is a pig

Note how the two facts are very similar but also very different at the same time. I had gone looking for a present and alternatively received an education in how to refer to modern animals.

Now when I am on my way to a farm I can look forward to seeing the Animal Cows, the Animal Chickens and the Animal Goats. If I’m heading to a zoo I can feast my eyes upon the Animal Elephants, the Animal Giraffes and possibly, if they’re not too busy, the Animal Tigers.

I’m already working on a FUN leaflet for my nieces to explain that we’ve been doing nature all wrong and that we have to shift with the times otherwise we’ll just look simple.

In one sense, why did no-one tell me this sooner?! In another, awww, pigs.

Avatar Broken

In the last two weeks, the following things have broken.

  • My central heating boiler, which was broken for a week
  • My phone, which had to be sent off for a week and a half
  • My coffee pot, which still isn’t fixed
  • My watch, which still isn’t fixed
  • My iPod, which I had buy parts to fix myself

This has been dispiriting and distressing, and has severely tested my fortitude.

If you are thinking of breaking any of my possessions, or in any way modifying them so that they break in a seemingly accidental way, or if you become aware that one of my possessions may break or suffer a breakage-like incident, please inform me in writing at least two days beforehand so that I can prepare myself mentally and physically.

Thank you.

Avatar Knee windows

I’m definitely getting old. I mean, we all know this, it’s not news to any of us. But sometimes I still get surprised by my reaction to things.

The other day I was on a London Tubular Train. These are clever trains that have the corners sliced off so that they can run in the sewers. I was listening to a Radio 4 podcast (a sure sign of getting old – surely this should have been a stark reminder of my age) and minding my own business. The train stopped at a station and a young woman got on and sat opposite me.

It was at this moment that I realised that I am definitely getting on a bit.

Young Chris would have seen this young woman and thought well hello there. Young Chris would have been appreciative of her pretty face. Young Chris would have found his thoughts turning to the fact that she was wearing a grey tracksuit that dropped some hints about an attractive figure.

Young Chris isn’t here any more, though. No. Old Chris is at the wheel these days. Old Chris wants to know what on earth she thinks she’s doing out and about in January wearing a tracksuit with no coat to keep her warm. Old Chris starts his train of thought with the words bloody hell, isn’t she cold?

Old Chris has a Daily Mail style fit when the young woman sits down. He finds himself thinking well I never and considers folding his arms (but decides not to because he’s a bit arthritic, what with the cold and the damp lately). You see, lately, ripped knees have come back into fashion for those wearing jeans, and the rips have become ever sillier. It’s now fashionable to basically just have a huge hole where your knees can be seen. The young woman on the tube, though, was wearing a tracksuit. A tracksuit where the front of each trouser leg came in two parts, overlapping at the knee, with the result that when she sat down the fabric parted to show off her knees to the world.

She had knee windows.

Well, obviously I wrote a stern letter to the Telegraph at once, and blustered barely-intelligible words at anyone who would listen for the rest of the day about how ridiculous these young people’s clothes are. I mean, it’s just not on. I can’t stand idly by while people go around doing damn fool things like that.

Old Chris can’t be doing with knee windows. Old Chris doesn’t understand young people’s clothes any more. Old Chris isn’t fashionable.

Old Chris has decided to embrace old age. Old Chris is going to start wearing his flat cap more often.

Avatar Claim to Fame

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Take a seat. Clean up your mess. In fact, you might want to reverse the order of those things. As long as you get them both done.

You should know that you may be within the vicinity of a local celebrity. Not that I like to spoil the surprise but the recent release of Dylan Moran’s newest DVD, ‘Off The Hook’, contains a very special treat for everyone. The main performance was recorded in London. The DVD, however, contains additional material that was recorded at The Stand in Newcastle upon Tyne.

If you listen very carefully you can make out two people laughing very loudly at the ensuing comedy. Audrey ‘Piledriver Transmission Cupcake’ J clocks in with two mighty guffaws and there’s an extended chuckle of chortles from Emma ‘Bat Pan Mants’ M. My laugh, sadly, was not robust enough to make the cut and therefore you will not be able to hear the lovechild of Frank Bruno, Jimmy Carr and Eddie Murphy tittering away in the background.

Avatar Ian vs Crush Songs

Ian: Hello?
Crush Songs: Hello Ian.
Ian: Hello Crush Songs by Karen O. I’ve wanted to listen to you for a while; sorry it’s taken me so long.
Crush Songs: Oh think nothing of it. Now, are you ready?
Ian: I am, yes.
Crush Songs: Are you ready for fourteen songs that all sound the same with the same wibbly wobbly vocals that have been fed through a cereal box and sound as though they were written in five minutes?
Ian: Erm no, I was hoping for a bit of variety.
Crush Songs: Oh.
Ian: Is there something the matter?
Crush Songs: Nothing! Nothing! No it doesn’t matter.
Ian: What is it you’re hiding there?
Crush Songs: Well it’s nothing really…
Ian: So you are fourteen songs that all sound the same with the same wibby wobbly vocals that have been fed through a cereal box and sound as though they were written in five minutes.
Crush Songs: In short, yes.
Ian: I feel as though I should be brutally honest here. That’s very disappointing.
Crush Songs: Would it help if I told you I’m only 25 minutes long?
Ian: No it wouldn’t.
Crush Songs: Would it help if I told you there was a Doors cover on me?
Ian: That just makes it worse.
Crush Songs: Actually ACTUALLY I’ve got fifteen songs on me. The last one is hidden right at the very end like a lyrical treat…
Ian: Right.
Crush Songs: … actually that might still be the last song with a bit of a gap in the middle…
Ian: Look I can see we’re not really getting anywhere here. You’ve not really thought this through. I think you should go back and have a big long ponder about what to do.
Crush Songs: If you insist, okay. I’ll come back shortly with some much better ideas. You watch; I will blow your mind!
Ian: I’m sure you will. I’m just going to put you in this pile with that Good Charlotte CD I found in the street and those duplicate DVDs I don’t need anymore.
Crush Songs: Is it a special pile?
Ian: … sure it is!

Avatar What’s missing?

Due to the massive popularity of “guess who’s back?” I’m back again with a new game… What’s missing?

 

This time I have a riddle for you:

My first is in the, but not in book

My second’s in the, but not in book

My third is in the, but not in book.

My fourth is in book, but not in the.

My fifth is in book, but not in the.

My sixth is in book, but not in the.

My last is in book, but not in the.

 

What’s missing?

Avatar The end (probably) of #TapSaga

That’s it. It’s over. For now at least anyway.

If anyone ever suggests to you that changing the taps in the bathroom is a quick and easy way to ‘refresh’ your room, my advice is to punch them swiftly in the face.

btaps staps

 

Let me give you a summary of what has gone on so far in #TapSaga in abbreviated bullet list format:

Read More: The end (probably) of #TapSaga »