Testing…testing… 123Hello? Hello?
Can you hear me at the back? If you can, then we have successfully transferred over to the new magical computers.
Things do seem to be a lot faster around here so I can only assume that the computers were very pleased with the ceremony I conducted on Saturday evening.
I couldn’t get any of the magical computer banks shown in the first post, but by way of apology we now have a full room of these pumping things out instead.
I hope this is still worth £15.
The problem with peasHere’s a tragic story. Have a handkerchief handy to soak up your tears.
On Friday I got out my notepad and settled in to pay my fullest attention to Suggs’ 1995 masterpiece, The Lone Ranger. It will be the latest in my increasingly popular series of album reviews for the Beans.
Having made notes on each track, I packed up and set off towards North London to wait for Elena to finish work and so we could set off for the north. I’d be able to make tea and relax. I’d be able to write my album review. Everything would be great.
Unfortunately London had other plans for me. I can only assume that London actively wanted to prevent the world finding out my thoughts on the synth-reggae and two-tone cover versions offered by the former Madness frontman’s mid-nineties cash-in comeback, because it did everything it could to stop me writing that important and informative blog post. My fourteen mile journey took me three hours in the end, leaving me no time for tea, no time for careful musical contemplation and no time to share my thoughts with the world. I also had no time for lunch.
There are several tragic results from this appalling debacle.
In short: bad traffic makes for very bad apples.
Next time I’ll take the tube.
Kevindo Menendez & Smoochies Inc.LEEDS, UK – Internationally renowned design genius, Kevindo Menendez has today, 16/3/16, finally taken the wraps off his new fashion collection for babies developed closely with much respected manufacturer of fancy goods, Smoochies Inc.
The new range, entitled “Baby Looks Good”, is expected to be available for retail distribution from the beginning of April. The range uses key elements from Menendez’s back catalog, such as the ‘CRAB’ and ‘PENGUIN’ motifs and the now legendary artwork commissioned by PouringBeans for their website.
I am very proud to have been a part of the development of this new range. I have always admired Kevindo’s artwork, I actually have several original pieces in my studio at home, and to be able to bring it to the masses in a range which is durable, absorbent and machine washable is greatly satisfying.
Ian McIver, Managing director of Smoochies Inc.
Huh? I just doodled a crab and this bloke brought me some things with it on. Everyone seems really excited by it so I guess it must be good.
Kevindo Menendez, Design Genius
Retaillers or distributors interested in stocking the range should contact Smoochies Inc Directly via the usual channels, quoting ref: S3LL-M3-CR4BS
2016 State of the Beans AddressDelegates, please, take your seats. The buffet and free hot drinks will continue to be available during the open seminar at the end of today’s session. There’s no need to push. Settle down, please.
Thank you. Good afternoon. My name is Professor Elbert Louche, and it is my pleasure to have been asked back to deliver this 2016 State of the Beans Address.
The New Beans has now been running for two years, a bold social experiment that has grasped the zeitgeist and undeniably transformed British culture. It has won several awards of its own making. In 2015, 96 posts were made by Beans members – an increase of 14 on the previous year – and 1,430 comments were made, almost double the number made in 2014. This is both impressive and delightful.
Let’s take a look at what each individual Beanist has accomplished.
This member made a total of 48 posts, precisely four a month, earning him 12 full beans and zero nasty dried peas. Chris continues to be the only member of the Beans pictured in a blue tie, something that he was hoping would catch on but so far hasn’t.
Historically Pouring Beans’ most reliable contributor, Ian has pus finger to keyboard on 35 occasions, timing those posts carefully to stay within the strict Bean Counter rules, and has also come away with an unbroken run of 12 tasty beans. His attempted catchphrase “sweet petunia!” has, again, failed to gain any traction in the last twelve months.
A look at the statistics shows that Kev made just 12 posts in 2015, but a more detailed examination of the facts revealed that from August 2015 onwards he has transformed himself from an idle, feckless individual, more interested in refurbishing his domestic environment than sharing the burden of running the UK’s most popular blog site, into someone who has earned the epithet “contributor” and is now a valued member of the team.
In conclusion, it is clear to everyone that Chris and Ian are joint winners this year, that the Beans is incredibly popular and brilliant, and the future holds many more awards for this website that will undoubtedly be bestowed upon it just as soon as we get round to inventing them. Well done.
Picture comments!Elena asked recently… “Can I html an image into this comment box?” The answer then was no.
The answer now is still no, but I have added a funky new picture comment tool deeley to the site, which might come in handy.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
(Don’t say I never get you anything!)
P.S. I got a motherloving bean, motherlovers!
Beans Christmas Raffle!Hi all, welcome, welcome. It’s that time, not that time again because we haven’t done it before, but that time! Time for the Beans Christmas Raffle!
And boy do we have a doozy of a 1st Prize for you… One lucky winner will* win Chelmsford!
That’s right, the City of Chelmsford is the county town of Essex. It is located in the London commuter belt, and is just 32 miles north east of Charing Cross, and, get this, only 22 miles from Colchester! Once you win this fabulous new city, you will be in charge of a population of approximately 110,000! Think of what you could do with that.
Second prize will* be a Yardley Tac Set from Boots.
Third Prize is** a tin of Pinapple chunks!
Ooooooooooooh! Exciting isn’t it. 10 Tickets are yours for only £10.10 send you money now to:
Beans Christmas Raffle
Pouring Beans Estate
The Internet
PC1 1PC
* won’t
** isn’t
Black SundayHere at the Beans we are not prepared to jump abroad whatever flashy trashy spur of the moment, king for a day, soup du jour bandwagon everyone else is desperately trying to hoist themselves onto. No. What we stand for is dignity, truth and ultimately originality.
So this gives me great pleasure to unveil a list of special, rare, only available for one moment items on this very blackest of Black Sundays. Feast for eyes on these sweaty mommas:
Lense Catcher
Such a marvel. What we have here is a stylish plastic container specifically designed to look after your eyes. It oozes desirability and can be filled with water and used to cool your finger tips. This will certainly be the talking point of any fancy dinner or soiree you decide to host. Can also be used as a training potty for very small animals; £499.99.
Bus Pigeon
The Bus Pigeon, or Le pigeon de l’arrêt de bus as it is sometimes known, is only known to surface one day of the year. It you can catch it then it will bring you good luck and fortune, and it also increases your ability to play both Connect 4 and mini golf. Sleek and modern, a veritable treasure trove of danger and beauty; £999.99.
Street Literature
This edition of the Argos catalogue is now so rare that only the CEO has a copy. It features a cartoon of all the financial directors laughing at everyone who buys their items full price when they could easily get them from Amazon for a third of the cost. There’s a rumour Bobby Costanzo has a framed copy hovering above his midnight toilet; £4,999.99.
Act now!!
One per person per household per county per country per kingdom.
Beans Fashion Corner: HatsWe all look very handsome here on the Beans – that goes without saying – but one area where we clearly still have work to do is with our headgear. Generally speaking we are hatless and that has to change.
I have enlisted a celebrity millinery expert to select bespoke hats, which will serve to indicate the purpose and majesty of each of our positions.
