Episode 10: The trouble with waspsA new episode I hear you exclaim with glee. With an increasingly erratic release schedule, this surprise new episode includes Chris, Ian and Kev rambling incoherently about:
Time HoleWelcome to the Time Hole. Do you want to see the past? Do you want an insight into how things once were? Could you handle how much a time share in London was in 1982?
Regardless of how you answer these questions, it doesn’t matter. Let me present you with a recent find of mine. I “stumbled” across a copy of the Women’s Journal from 1982 (as you do) and inside was a bounty of adverts. And I do mean a bounty, because half the magazine was adverts. I don’t think I would have minded paying the 60p for it 36 years ago but my eyes would have screamed over from the sheer volume of glossy makeup, perfume, skincare, appliances and cooking apparel pornography thrust directly into my brain.
Luckily things are a little (little, I’m not referring to you, Little Miss Internet) bit more toned down for 2018. Let’s open the Time Hole for a bit. You like butters and spreads, right? So did people in 1982:
I was planning on scanning the whole thing but, as Emma quite rightly pointed out, every time you turned the page it creaked as though the glue was about to give up and run away to Greece to open a juice bar down on the beach.
I’ve never heard of this brand. I can only presume it doesn’t exist anymore, meaning that that the high demand referred to in the advertisement was actually baloney. Still, I’m sure 95% of the industry is baloney and the “butter mountain” was a real thing seen HERE in all its glory courtesy of our good friends at popular online wank-filtered encyclopaedia Wikipedia.
I wasn’t alive then but it sounds as though it was a good time for all.
Dear Beans… Terrific Tasty Terrier TribulationsDear Beans,
I’ve got a problem that I can’t tell anyone about. Only the anonymous helping hands of casa de Beans can save me. I am sweating like a scamp just typing these words. I will have to use a fake name so it cannot be traced back to me for FEAR of besmirchment. Besmirching? For the possibility of a bad smirch.
My dog, Lavish Kibbles, passed away a few weeks ago. He choked on a sausage mouse and never recovered. I cried for several days after and eventually I got my stuff together, and sorted him out. In order to save on costs and vets bills I buried him in the back garden. The only thing is after I dug the hole I lost all the mud (I think my neighbour may have stolen it, he’s building his own Hawaiian mud shack) so I needed a substitute. With only my wits about me, I turned to the contents of my kitchen cupboards. Thankfully I’d been to Costco the other day to stock up on essentials and I’d picked up a 600lb bag of Bisto. Using the gravy granules I covered up Lavish Kibbles and retreated to the sanctity of my living room.
The crazy Summer weather conditions continued. A hot rain fell towards the end of the week. With it came the tastiest smell, wafting up from the bottom of my garden. I knew what it was and I knew I needed to control myself in case anyone discovered my disgusting yet mouth-wateringly frugal ways.
From my window I can see a river of gravy starting to flow. In my dreams I’m walking towards it, arms outstretched, a gigantic breadbun in each hand, desperate to dip. I’ve tried making my own as a way of appeasing my tastebuds but it doesn’t smell or taste the same. Only the raw, disturbing aroma emanating from my back yard will quench my thirst.
What should I do; give in to temptation and chow down on my now ex-dog or look the other way?
Yours excitedly
Turbot Bojangles
Hedge MayonnaiseWham! Smack! Pow!
Kevindo Menendez comes back and hits you like a sonic anchovy.
Where has he been? What has he been up to?
That’s none of your business. What is your business though? I can tell you what your business is. Your business is the new tasty condiment he is bringing out RIGHT NOW.
Do you like bush? Do you like creamy eggs? Then you’re going to love Hedge Mayonnaise! All the great taste of horticultural white mush in a tiny, convenient plastic bottle.
Kevindo Menendez takes only the best eggs, only the greatest green leaves and some other things that go in regular mayonnaise to make his stunningly beautiful Hedge Mayonnaise. It’ll cost you no more than a selection of paper pounds and boy is it worth every tiny penny of your hard-earned schmackeroons.
Eight out of Seven people prefer it to actual food.
Get it now!
How the magic starts
It’s your choiceYes! It’s time for dessert. What do you want? Ice cream, of course.
But what kind? You’ve been a really good boy and you can have three scoops. Any flavour you like. What will you choose?
ChipsPouring Beans is the natural home of democracy. In years gone by we have witnessed landmark votes on key issues that have set the agenda for a generation to come: subjects like meat, socks and playground rides.
Today’s vote is the big one. History calls us. It is time to decide, once and for all, the best kind of chips.
You can, and will, choose one of the following. Or another one if there’s any I’ve missed out.
DEPLOY!
Episode 9: Cake & CricketKev and Ian are once again joined by Chris for another exciting instalment where they discus: