Newsboost – Hill Ham Hurrah

Here at Newsboost we have been granted exclusive access to Kevin’s new kitchen worktop and, in my humble opinion, especially one which knows sod all about quartz, it’s a bit of a something special.

We were also granted an exclusive interview with the man himself.

News berk: So what do you think?
Kevin: I think it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Ian had to loan me some of his spare eyes so I could gaze at the glaze a little bit more.
News berk: After all the time you spent getting it right, was it worth it?
Kevin: Absolutely. 105 days it may have taken, I may have lost most of my hair and destroyed the neighbouring village in my frustrations but it’s over now.
News berk: What do you intend to use the kitchen worktop for first? What’s top o’ the worktop to-do list top?
Kevin: I’m going to lay out a chaise lounge of cheeses for the kids and some very sensual cakes for me and the wife. It’s going to be a great night.
News berk: What advice would you give to any other aspiring kitchen worktop enthusiasts out there?
Kevin: Don’t do it.

REM Covers Album

What was that? It was a bad idea to begin with and now you’re going to run it into the ground like you always do? You clearly know me so well.

Hi, I’m Ian, I recently turned 37 and I still retain the intelligence of someone a quarter of my age. I used to take song lyrics, change them into something else and then hand them to my friend to upload onto our website because that was “funny” even though most of the time it really wasn’t.

Do you remember ‘Slut Call Girl’, a “hilarious” reinterpretation of Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’? Probably not. It was one of my better efforts. The others are better best forgotten.

In the spirit of this though I have decided to drag all of my showbiz mates out to record a covers album to end 2020 the way it began; awfully. It’s even worse, it’s a funny covers album. I will be taking some of the moved beloved rock songs from the last 30-40 years by one of the most amazing bands from within our very own lifetime and I will be turning them into a one joke joke about curling one off.

(I can hear you groaning already)

Let’s take a look at the track listing:

Everybody Poos
The One I Shove
Shiny Happy Faeces
Nightshitting
It’s The End of The Roll As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)
The Sidewinder Shits Tonight
Strained Currencies
What’s The Excretion, Kenneth?
The Great Pee-Pond
Imitation of Shite

I feel as though I may have crossed a line that I can never recover from; please forgive me Buck, Berry, Mills and Stipe.

Ode to the North

We’re all trapped indoors these days, since the prime minister lost everybody’s house keys and we all found that the front door wouldn’t open any more. I’m sure that’ll all be sorted out soon, of course, and I’ll be able to take the bins out, but for the time being I’m not getting around much and neither is anyone else.

While I’m being kept inside, like a neglected dog, I find myself missing the north. I usually go north regularly and now I can’t, and it’s only when I can’t go that I suddenly find how important it is to me to immerse myself, on a regular basis, in its rich culture and its even richer gravies.

So, as a consolation in these difficult times, I’ve created this moving ode to the north. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and that your cockles are warmed.

Thank you, or as they say in the north, ta.

Easter Done Right

Easter is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in talk of chocolate, eggs, bunnies and all sorts of plastic paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As businessman with a fifteen year old son, he no longer wishes to chase the imaginary rabbit in the hope of procuring an immeasurable pile of confectionery; all he cares about is cold, hard cash. There are, however, others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many trinkets as possible for your children and possibly also your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it.

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you keep the family appeased in this most confusing of times? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.

‘Bonny Baskets‘

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets are what are missing from your extended Easter weekend; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices, and covered in chocolate. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most nauseating of weekends, you can prepare them any way you like.

‘Bonny Baskets’

With one or two of these in their mouth, your children won’t be tempted to throw a tantrum and destroy your sense of peace and tranquility. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect accompaniment to whatever bobbins you plan to screen on the TV in the hopes of keeping them subdued.

‘Bonny Baskets’

You will be the king or queen of the Easter parade with these under your belt, or in your hand. Your kids will lose their shizz ten times over once they get a taste of the good life. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need to break the bank, and their teeth, by ordering a lorry-load of inferior eggs to your doorstep. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Bonny Egg Baskets.

‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’ ‘Bonny Baskets’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.

Valentine’s Day Done Right

Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in smushy, awful paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As a single man I remain immune to the charms of it (which is a mantra I repeat to myself when I’m crying into my cornflakes) but there are others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many presents as possible for your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s a romantic meal for two waiting in the wings yet you still haven’t found the right thing to finish it off.

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that three course menu up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.

‘Love Baubles‘

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles are what are missing from your Valentine’s Day; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of romantic meals, you can prepare them any way you like.

‘Love Baubles’

With one or two of these in their mouth, your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or significant other won’t be tempted to break up with you. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect aphrodisiac to put everyone, and I do mean everyone, in the mood for love.

‘Love Baubles’

You will be the king or queen of the love ball. Your partner will rescind into sexual bliss. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need those petrol station flowers you were planning to buy at the last minute. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.

‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.

December Done Right

It’s too late to turn back now. We’re all going to be smothered in Christmas in three weeks’ time so we may as well accept it and get on with our lives. When I say get on with our lives I mean buy as many presents as possible from the internet in the hope that they arrive in time. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s the tree in the corner of the room; it looks lovely, almost perfect. It isn’t quite finished, is it?

What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that tree up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles.

‘Pork Baubles‘

Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles are what are missing from your Christmas; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of trees, you can hang your Pork Baubles straight out of the packet and, on the big day itself, put them in the oven to accompany your Christmas dinner.

‘Pork Baubles’

With one or two of these in his mouth, Dad won’t be tempted to interrupt with another of his terrible jokes. Grandma won’t believe the taste sensation going down her throat. Mum can use the leftovers to throw at unsuspecting cold-callers trying their luck around the festive period.

‘Pork Baubles’

Don’t bother with another tiresome turkey, keep your dull as damp donuts gammon in the freezer and don’t even turn the oven on if all you’re going to do is try to feed me parsnips again. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Pork Baubles.

‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’ ‘Pork Baubles’

Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and Christmas decoration aisles at all good local supermarkets.

Healthy eating

Christmas is over and we’ve all eaten a bit too much. Too many roast potatoes*. Too many chocolates. Too much cake.

What you need is something healthy. Something full of nutrition. Something light and fresh. And thankfully, I have just the thing. Presenting the Pouring Beans 2018 Burger and Salad Special, a meal that superficially looks like burger and chips but which cunningly includes a generous helping of lush, healthy greenery. Enjoy!

Salad (with burger and chips on the side)

* I’m being silly, of course. There is no such thing as too many roast potatoes.

Table for Two?

Good Evening, Monsieur and Madame. I trust you are having a pleasant Thursday evening? It is the perfect time for a get together of food, wine and conversation the likes of which have never been seen before.

Here, please let me take your galoshes and wellington boots, and you can have a seat towards the back of the restaurant, where the smell of the food barely covers the scent of faeces, wafting from the gentleman’s you-know-what’s.

May I recommend that before I take your drink orders that you take a look at the menu? Our chef has made some recent alterations that I think may interest you. It’s a little more adventurous than you’re possibly used to but I can assure you that you will not be disappointed. I will place your possessions in a badly-lit broom cupboard near the barely visible ‘Fire Exit’ sign and come back in five minutes to help with anything that I can.

Please feel free to help yourself to complimentary aniseed ball-bearings to help cleanse the pallet before the real action starts:

Evening Menu

Starters

Herb-coated shenkles of pen lids, rocket, arse shavings, child-wept tomatoes. Silly oil and three whole lemons – £15.00

Charred and badly-burned damp sewer wood wrapped in posh ham, silver spank noodles and basil wet bags, disgusting reduction – £24.00

Crab, leftover curtains, nose hair and avocado bruschetta, fingered aioli – £19.00

Mains

Duck cocks, pissy ash puree, wilted bin mugs and breakfast pan juices – £30.00

Smoked sorcery eyes, chorizo and beach cable risotto, poached eggs barely audible – £42.00

Spaghetti with handcuffs, flange, chilli garlic, cracker dust, leather concave bisque reduction – £35.00

Lunch specials

Roasted fly thighs, dolphin panache, bat shit chasseur sauce on a crushed Henderson suit bread – £26.00

Buffed fish, hand cut bastard nugget portions, sinister tomatoes and Enya thermidor height sauce – £30.00

Limp bollock dross and balls, savage pasta bound in Napoli drippings, topped with existential phone nubbins and a space rollercoaster – £27.00

And for desert? I am sorry, Monsieur and Madame, desserts are sadly off the menu for this evening but I am sure that I may be able to find something in the condemned freezer next to the warm raccoon cage. Let me get back to you on that one.