Category: Newsboost

Avatar Newsboost – Secure socks

A man has been caught buying socks for himself at an Asda in Leyton Mills last night.

The shopper, Denzel Ruckus, was apprehended by security as he made his purchase and tried to leave the premises around 6pm on Monday night. Witnesses confirm that in addition to the socks, Mr Ruckus also bought a tin of beans, a pack of six eggs and a gammon steak. Sounds like a pretty tasty evening.

“I don’t understand what the problem is,” confirmed the slightly bewildered shopper, clutching his socks tightly and a bag with the rest of his shopping, “I paid for them with my card and the payment went through so why am I being detained? I have the receipt right here. All or my pairs of socks have holes in them around the heel, so I needed replacements. I only live around the corner. Did I do something wrong?”

Shoppers were immediately alerted to the unlikely phenomenon. A family of six asked for Mr Ruckus’ autograph on the way to the car with their own weekly shop.

A spokesperson from Asda said, “this is unprecedented, a man buying his own socks? Not waiting for someone to put a pair in his stocking for Christmas? Barmy. We’ve already had a photo of Mr Ruckus blown up onto a canvas and hung in the employee area. He’s going to be a local hero.”

It is estimated that roughly 21,239 million pairs of socks are created each year and 89% of these are bought for men / boys during the Christmas period. Records show that a man hadn’t bought himself some socks since 1998 and even then it was done accidentally by John Boone of Weston-super-Mare who hasn’t been seen since.

The township-level district of Datang in the city of Zhuji in Zhejiang Province, People’s Republic of China, has become known as ‘Sock City’. The town currently produces 8 billion pairs of socks each year, a third of the world’s sock production.

If you’re interested in more sock-based facts then join our sock fandom page at www.newsboost.com/sockfacto

Avatar Gooseboost

Good morning and welcome to this week’s edition of Gooseboost, reporting on all the goose-based news in your area and a little bit more elsewhere. I’m your host, Bruce “The Goose” Winterburn.

The headlines:

  • New shade of dark orange paint colour renamed ‘Boss goose’ after tense voting process over the weekend
  • Kentucky restaurant’s popular ‘Geese Feast’ menu item dropped to $14.99 for the whole of October
  • Hysterical goose celebrity impersonater Dwayne ‘The Flock’ Johnson set to dazzle at 2024 HSJ awards next month

The top story today though involves locked doors, unsightly men and a gaggle of the most unusual guards you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

A prison in South America decided to change from guards dogs to guard geese in a switch that has sent most people into a flap.

Since December last year, a group of geese have been patrolling the perimeter of the Sao Pedro de Alcantara prison in Brazil’s southern state of Santa Catarina. The honking hoodlums dubbed “geese agents” are in charge of patrolling the green space between the prison’s inside fence and main outer wall. The staff of the prison remain convinced that the vigilance of the waterfowl species of bird is what makes them excellent guard animals and continue to use them in lieu of the more traditional canines.

This follows on from our May editorial, ‘Geese, please! Are they really that bad?’ where we set out to debunk some of the common misconceptions of the common goose. It is all to do with how territorial they are, especially when protecting the young. It’s very rare that humans will be attacked, but it can happen. They are capable of causing serious injury by biting or smacking you with their marvellously strong wings. A serious injury is not always guaranteed, it depends what kind of day they’re having. If you catch one on a Monday before they’ve had their morning coffee then you may want to get ahead and phone in sick at work.

If a prison is using geese to keep prisoners in line then surely it’s only a matter of time before they’re wheeled out for use in the police force. Expect CCTV footage from future Saturday night scraps in city centres around the UK to feature both man and beak. You have been warned.

Avatar Newsboost – Consider me considered

The July 2024 ‘Consider Me’ movement released by unsuspecting labouring footstool peddler, Chris Marshall, has seen momentum over the last few weeks and things seem to be getting more and more interesting.

By the end of July, three new people had already considered him. The day after, two more people had thought about considering him and after a few arguments it was decided that thinking about considering something still counts as considering something.

A couple from Pitsea read the article and were more than happy to consider him and did so with great gusto.

Hebburn Town Women’s football club were rumoured to be considering Chris but only if the weather allowed it. Reports have since come in that they turned down the idea of considering him after considering a weekend away in Amsterdam instead, which seemed the better of the two.

Experts have predicted that at least a dozen more people have considered or will be considering him over the next few days, with figures expected to double by this time next week.

How far will this ridiculous campaign go? Only time will tell.

Avatar Newsboost – Livin’ La Vida Liar

Shock news today as female inspiration for hit single by Ricky Martin reveals that a lot of the information contained in the song is, “factually incorrect”.

Bernadette ‘Bernie’ Wendell of Grimsby, North East Lincolnshire, held a press conference in her home town earlier on today to set the record straight.

She was completely unaware that the song was about her for twenty-five years and it was only when a friend recently played it to her that she recognised some of the key characteristics of the woman in the song as relating to her.

“I was completely taken aback when I realised the song was about me. I had relocated to Thailand for a few years because of work so when it was first released in 1999 I never got to hear it. Latin American pop music wasn’t really their kind of thing over in that side of the world. When Doris, my neighbour, was playing the song during a recent barbeque, you know, when the weather was briefly nice on that weekend, you know the one, I hear the lyrics and BOOM I knew it was about me.”

Mrs Wendell, now married with three children, was asked how she came to meet Mr Martin given the distance between Grimsby and Puerto Rico, where the singer was living at the time. “Enrique was here doing some promo work. You know that transition period between when he was singing in Spanish and thinking about moving to English? He was over ‘ere working the clubs, trying out some new material. Me and him had a bit of a brief spark and we dated for a few weeks when he was in the area. He did love a bit of Yellowbelly cheese I can tell you.”

Mrs Wendell then went on to explain the inconsistencies with the song lyrics.

“He’s such an exaggerator. One time he came over to mine soaking wet so I told him to take his clothes off so I could put them through the drier. Whilst the cycle was on, my favourite song came on the radio and we danced outside in the back garden. The neighbours thought we were mental but that was the kind of thing you did in the late 90’s. Nobody gave a flying fuck. All that sorcery nonsense? I didn’t like walking under ladders, I hardly think that makes me “into” superstitions.”

One of the lowly journalists towards the back of the room then asked if she was also guilty of having, “a new addiction every day and night,” and whether she’d ever slipped drugs into Mr Martin’s drinks. “If anything, it’s the other way round. One time I felt awful, had the squits for a few days. I asked him to buy me some Immodium from the chemist on the way to mine. What did he do? He bought Dulcolax ‘cos he got confused and wasn’t sure. I didn’t check the bottle, took one and it was like a brown wave all night. Horrendous!”

The times and dates of Mrs Wendell’s account seem to match up with Mr Martin’s work schedule at the time, at least according to what little information we have to hand. Mr Martin and his publicist are yet to comment.

Avatar Newsboost – no end in sight

Devastating news for Chris Crimz aka Chris Marshall solo fans as artist claims he is still no closer to finishing his epic trilogy of songs.

Crimz rose to fame with the now stone cold classic ‘Wasting your life!” which was written prior to but only saw a formal release through the Papples debut album of the same name. He then cemented the popular but not quite as good, ‘That’s your life!’ which despite constant demands from the fans is still waiting for a formal release. Tapes of the demo have been trading hands for astronomical amounts of money on Ebay, sometimes reaching up to ten whole English pounds. There was a recent bidding war between two diehard fans, Polin Clodbrook and Rolio Chaffinch, for a very rare tape which, if the rumours are to be true, claimed to be a duet between Crimz and Kelly Clarkson during their short-lived romance at the tail end of 2009.

Newsboost reached out to Mr Marshall for an exclusive interview and eventually, once he stopped repeatedly slamming the door into my foot, we were granted one.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Crimz, partially through a crack in the door between his dining room and kitchen, “I seem to remember I once attempted a third part but it wasn’t very successful. The lesson is that you can’t rush genius.”

When asked what the composition was like and what kind of arrangement it was (joyous possibly or further leaning into the sad melody of the second part), Mr. Marshall changed the subject to a future release in 2024. “I’ll be putting out another greatest hits album shortly. I want the fans to know that I am listening and that I do care. It’ll be jam-packed with exclusive b-sides, live tracks and the odd Pet Shop Boys remix. Guaranteed to put a smile on their faces. The CD edition will come in a gold coloured cardboard sleeve with a commemorative booklet. A premium product.”

That sounds like something we can all enjoy. At least if the epic closer of his musical journey isn’t coming any time soon then we’ll all have a piece of the pie to chew on. You really can’t rush genius.

Avatar Newsboost – No more love songs

Devastating news has been reported from the United Nations after it was decided that, having reached the grand total of one billion love songs, there will be no more after midnight tonight.

When top-charting scuzz pop double act Mozz P released ‘Love Ring’ on streaming services at 9:01am this Monday little did they know how important a song it would end up being. I mean it’s not a great song, in fact it’s pretty awful and degrading to both men and women. I would even go so far as to say it’s less a song and more two idiots shouting, “LOVE RING! LOVE RING!” through an auto-tuner whilst someone else’s music plays in the background. It has, however, been decided that this will be the very last love song ever released and that moving forward no new love songs will be permitted. This may seem like a pretty harsh indictment but when you consider the evidence it makes perfect sense. Jupiter Bromport from the United Nations spoke with our reporter earlier this week.

“There’s too many of them. One billion songs? Are you kidding me?” mused Jupiter Bromport as she sipped a cappuccino from the side of her mouth. “We paid an intern to write an algorithm to work out the percentage of songs in the modern world concerning love and apparently a staggering 94.6% of all songs ever released are about love. We need a little more diversity. Considering the amount of “things” we have today it is strange that people still tend to dwell on the same ideas and notions. Nobody is condoning the universal appeal of love and all aspects of love but would it kill people to maybe write one about a pirate cat or a mud princess swimming in Stockport every once in a while? I personally would love more songs about what happens to your clean washing if you leave it on the floor for too long.”

The news has left several prominent song writers in quite a quandary. Ed Sheeran was seen downing a whole bag of ‘Pick ‘N’ Mix’ all at the same time. He refused to comment and spent over an hour hiding in the bathroom at the Butt and Oyster pub before climbing out the window. Billie Eilish openly protested when she heard the news; she threw a loud and nasal tantrum and then threw a tin of pop over a carousel horse in New York. Reports are still coming in however it has been mentioned that Ariana Grande may or may not have aggressively solved a child’s Rubik’s Cube in downtown Los Angeles. Whether it was to do with the news is still unconfirmed. We are still awaiting official news from Michael Buble and Lionel Ritchie.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. Roger Waters had been working on a new rock opera about the name change when cleaning product giant Jif changed to Cif in December 2000. Since the headlines first hit, his ticket sales have quadrupled, selling out venues all over the UK and Ireland.

Avatar Newsboost – When the mash hits the fan

Plans were unveiled today that will shape the face of mash for the future.

While it is unlikely that there would ever be a shortage, experts today have explained the plan that will be implemented should the worst ever happen. It has taken six months for the problems to be ironed out. We spoke with demi-goth soothsayer Wordell Numbstruck.

“The most agonising part was the font size,” explains Wordell, “as we had a split divide between those wanting to use size 11 font and those who preferred size 12. For an entire month neither side would budge and it was only when some bright spark decided to order in two dozen Danish pastries did the lines of communication open once more. That was a good day.

“We were originally going to use a kind of Doomsday clock however it was put to a vote and a more traditional American Defcon-style gauge was chosen. Counting down the days wasn’t quite the right image for mash. We’re still finalising the official art so we will have to make do with some of my crude sketches:

Level 5 – Mash common state
The world stock of potatoes is plump and bountiful. Mash is commonly available and nobody has any problems trying to get any.

Level 4 – Minus mash
One of the leading potato suppliers (China, India or the Ukraine) is facing difficulties due to a poor harvest or bad stock. Mash can be still be obtained albeit for a slightly higher price.

Level 3 – Mashtronomical
All three leading potato suppliers cannot cough up the goods. Russian, the USA, Bangladesh and Germany are overwhelmed with demands and struggle to keep up. Mash is slightly rarer and prices have skyrocketed.

Level 2 – Mash hysteria
The world is begging for mash and nobody is having any of it. Stocks are gradually diminishing in every single country. You cannot find a potato for love nor money. Black market trading is rife and the other, less popular potato products (chips, boiled and new potatoes, croquettes etc.) are also suffering.

Level 1 – None shall mash!
There are no more potatoes left in the world. Mash is gone forever.

“We want everyone to understand that this is in no way likely to be something that happens in our lifetime or the next at that,” continues Mr Numbstruck, “only that a crisis could happen and should it happen we want to be able to sort it out. This system we’ve created will explain to the powers that be just how severe or negligible the situation is. I am confident that the work we have put into this today will benefit others at the appropriate time. We also have t-shirts available in the gift shop and on our website should anyone be interested.”

Avatar Newsboost – Mash gets another helping hand

Mash mania continues to spread across the United Kingdom after yet another mash-related announcement courtesy of fashion and textile guru Laura Ashley who revealed that there would be a stunning ensemble as part of their Autumn line-up.

Four distinct sets of unique furniture are set to be released around September 2023 each centred on the idea and philosophy of mash. Although no images have been provided to the press yet, we do have the following details:

Set 1 – The Comf

A beautiful and timeless set piece. Three extra large armchairs all able to accommodate either one person luxuriously or two people comfortably. The daring absence of a sofa is only complimented further by the chrome caster feet and Atherton pale natural fabric. Whether you’re young at heart or feeling your age, you’ll feel fantastic in the Comf. Available in four distinct colours: beige, white, pale yellow and light grey.

Set 2 – The Stern

Taking furniture seriously is what we do and there is nothing more serious than The Stern, two medium-sized sofas adorned with style and substance. Straightened orthopaedic back support, claustrophobic right angles and very little cushioning, you’ll feel “it” as soon as you enter the room. The Gloucester button back style will turn heads. Available in four dazzling colours: white, pale yellow, light grey and beige.

Set 3 – The Playful

If you’ve got a modern family then you need a modern sofa to accommodate everyone. The Playful has got you covered with a generous eight-seater sofa and two mock-tabulous armchairs. The end of the sofa has a tiny helter skelter which leads down into a ball pool for the little ones. The chairs can be readjusted and attached to the side of the sofa to make it even bigger, similar to a series of toys that are more than meet the eye but cannot be referenced here for legal reasons. Available in four scintillating colours: “whacky” yellow, “ambiguous” grey, “fun” beige and “joyous” white.

Set 4 – The Druid

Minimalistic and harsh, yes, but also leading the pack in terms of fashion. This limited edition singular armchair is for the keen collector. Made out of 300lb of solid mash, the Druid will take you on an adventure that you’re probably not ready for. Bolstered by the Anneliese Natural-esque padding of the mash and small release number of only 100, you will need to be quick to get your greasy mitts on this standout entry. Available in one colour: mash.

The more we read the more everything sounds so delicious. Pre-orders for the new items will be available shortly after the unveil in September so keep posted for more news.

The British Mash Council (BMC) are yet to comment although we expect them to be brimming with glee.