Category: Perky

Avatar Beans Christmas Raffle!

Hi all, welcome, welcome. It’s that time, not that time again because we haven’t done it before, but that time! Time for the Beans Christmas Raffle!

And boy do we have a doozy of a 1st Prize for you… One lucky winner will* win Chelmsford!

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That’s right, the City of Chelmsford is the county town of Essex. It is located in the London commuter belt, and is just 32 miles north east of Charing Cross, and, get this, only 22 miles from Colchester! Once you win this fabulous new city, you will be in charge of a population of approximately 110,000! Think of what you could do with that.

Second prize will* be a Yardley Tac Set from Boots.

Third Prize is** a tin of Pinapple chunks!

Ooooooooooooh! Exciting isn’t it. 10 Tickets are yours for only £10.10 send you money now to:

Beans Christmas Raffle
Pouring Beans Estate
The Internet
PC1 1PC

 

* won’t
** isn’t

Avatar Object of the Year

Can you believe it’s that time of year again? The live final of Object of the Year is upon us again, and the finalists are going to the public vote.

The two finalists have worked hard and I don’t think anyone would deny that they both deserve their place in the final.

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On the left: the flask. Shiny, smooth, tall and well-insulated, it’s not just highly entertaining, it also seems to embody something indefinable about England.

On the right: the boots. Their tactile suede surface and shiny zips make them the showy one of the pair. They’re always seen together and their tapdancing duets are truly remarkable.

So – it’s that time – cast your vote now!

Call 0898 000 000 000 1 to vote for the flask.

Call 0898 000 000 000 2 to vote for the boots.

Calls may be recorded and monitored for training purposes. Each call will cost one third of your weekly gross income. Ask for permission from your local council before calling. All British Citizens must vote.

Avatar What I Should Be Doing

When I was a child I was, at first, convinced that when I grew up I was going to work as a space cowboy. It seemed like an ideal life: rounding up space cattle, eating space beans and flying through space on a jet-powered horse called ‘Rosie’. I don’t remember the exact point that life took my dreams and put them through a chundle mixer and told me that was a silly idea but it happened and thus I never got that ranch, those chaps or that hat.

Present day sees me sitting in an office living the giddy life of an office man. I mean I’m not chasing away space thieves trying to steal my space butter yet that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that this is not what I should be doing.

An evening in the company of one Kevindo Menendez opened my eyes to the world that is just beyond reach. They say that you never quite know what you’re good at until you give it a try, which obviously means that deep down I have the required skills and expertise to be a washing machine repair man. I already have the small, girlish hands for those tiny electric whatnots and for squeezing into those hard-to-reach areas. I look good in anything that’s not a shirt and tie. I can drive now so even if someone needs a washing machine repaired in New York (not that New York, the one in Tyne and Wear) I can step up to the challenge.

All I need now is some business cards and I’m up and running. They won’t have a picture of a crab on them but, by the beard of Graham Norton, they will announce to the world my real calling in life!

Avatar Jamiroquai is not… #57 – a swift

Jamiroquai is a band. Jamiroquai is fronted by the singer Jay Kay; we all know this. But do you know what Jamiroquai is not? This revolutionary series sets out to reliably inform the world all of the things that Jamiroquai is not.

57. A Swift

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Jamiroquai is not a swift. However you look at it, whichever angle you come at this from and no matter how bad you squint your eyes Jamiroquai is not a swift. You could certainly draw a beak and wings on the band members. Heck, the lead singer has a name that actually is a bird. But is Jamiroquai a swift? No, not in the slightest.

Tests carried out on various members of the public also confirm almost conclusively that the residents of Tumbridge Wells do not consider Jamiroquai to be a swift. The local newspaper has never run any articles about the bird-like nature of any member of the band. None of the benches in the city centre have any graffiti whatsoever that has any connection to ornithology or the British funk/acid jazz group.

I’ve never met anyone who has ever mentioned in passing about Jamiroquai pertaining to be anything else other than a band who have sold in excess of 40 million albums worldwide. There are no pictures of swifts in the RSPB drawn by children that are called Jamiroquai or have been sketched by anyone called Jamiroquai.

Little Richard never sang a song about how alike the high aerial birds are to the MTV and Grammy award-winning group. Ross Kemp has never been in a documentary detailing the comparisons between the two.

In short, I think it’s fair to say that out of all the things that Jamiroquai could be, they are not a swift.

Avatar The Edge of Popular Culture

You see me, right? I’m not very good at keeping up with what is fashionable and popular amongst the general population. I must say, however, I was downright confused when I came across this in Primark:

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So, I guess this is a thing. Has everyone else been wearing mens lingerie and they just haven’t told me? Are there underground mens lingerie clubs where people strut around in their hosiery and take photos on selfie sticks? Has my imagination ran away and hid under the stairs because such a thing cannot possibly exist, or has the world lovingly embraced dudes in delicate pants?

Please. Your comments please.