Category: Popular Culture

Avatar Are you Common?

Look at you.

Who are you? What do you do? Are you common? I know that it is not very politically correct to ask this question however it needs to be asked. I know that I am common, mainly from the state of my shoes, but also because I eat like a duck with two mouths and I’ve never paid more than £20.00 for a plate of food. I am safe in the knowledge that I am common.

How can I be sure of this though? Is there a test I can take?

Of course there is. Following on from the raging success of my Cake ‘Appropriate Girlfriend (short skirt, long jacket)’ questionnaire now comes the ‘How Common are you?’ questionnaire, mainly based on the lyrics of the popular song ‘Common People’ by Pulp. Depending on how many of these metaphysical boxes you tick (because I don’t know how to ‘do’ boxes on here) dictates how common you, as in you, are. Take a squint at these.

Have you ever:

  • Rented a flat above a shop?
  • Cut you hair?
  • Got a job?
  • Smoked some fags?
  • Played some pool?
  • Pretended you never went to school?

Based on these, I can tick five out of the six boxes. I have never officially got a job and instead make my money by spinning pennies for sailors down at the socks. Do we still have docks? Yes, we still have docks.

That’s what I do. How common are you?

Avatar What’s New and what’s Shrew – Mackers

Hello

So now that we’ve hit the big cheese January shake-up, who is clamming for their next head-dunk into the world of greatness? As I am still assuming the role of Sherpa for you ingrates let me rustle up a steaming batch of hot sauce to keep you in the good books:

  • Fashion – light up your eye bulbs with this. So everyone thinks that lemonade sink holes are worth pursuing? Yeah, like a dog with cramp. Ditch that has-been and opt for Serlo Pumps, the best kind of shoes straight from Bulgaria. They’re sorted, they’re sassy and they’re climbing up your drainpipe for a little sweetness. Don’t close the window yet. If you’re ever gonna out-do Amelia Jossdon, with her pencil skirt and jam sandwiches, you need to plump up for pointed jodhpurs. That will make everyone scream like Mr Sheen.
  • TV – can you believe that they made eight seasons of Desperate Housewives? I gave up many, many moons ago yet for some reason and haven’t been back since. I expect it was because the smug voice-over put me into a coma every time an episode started. Russian export ‘Boots to the Roots’ is the latest new thing where famous people trace their family history, find distant relatives they’ve never met then turn up and kick the merry shit out of them. Australian docu-drama ‘Wazzock Paddock’ is also turning up the heat on both sides of the world. In it, a select group of idiots are kidnapped and thrown into a large paddock where they are asked questions to try and change their sexist / racist / misogynistic views, and if they don’t an angry kangaroo is lowered in. 
  • Art – can beans be an art? Yes, they can. In honour of the wonderful food and snack Barry Wombfoot has enlisted the help of 100 people to create a massive hill of beans at the bottom of Ben Nevis in Scotland. Once it has been erected, Barry will use brown sauce to draw a picture of Phillip Schofield 200ft in the air whilst being suspended from a helicopter. To slightly more mundane activities where young artist Lilo Peel has knocked down her parent’s home in Dagenham, Essex and will build a new house entirely out of office supplies she has been stealing for the last two years from her place of work. The piece will be called ‘Self Eviction’ and has been both condoned by the Local Council and lauded by industrial showbiz wonderbot, Gary Wilmot. 
  • Film – it’s a bit slow this time of year what with everyone gearing up for the awards season. That still hasn’t stopped the previously banned trilogy of films by Winky Bowson from sneaking into select cinemas in London. ‘Chop Chop’, ‘Chop Again’ and ‘Chop Chop Away’ have received the remastered treatment and for the cost of one sandwich in London (£365.17) you can catch all three in a special midnight screening in Camden Town. I won’t tell you why they were banned but let’s just say that you can’t do sit-ups that way anymore, times have changed and you shouldn’t use banana yoghurt in that capacity.

So there you go. You can waltz off into the night, safe in the knowledge that your level of cool is still off the chart. I’m running down to Doncaster for a nice sherry.

Avatar Mackers – International Trendsetter

Hello.

When I get given a job to do I ensure that I do it to the best of my abilities. Yes, this sound like a job application but I will have you know that as IP McMackers, 2018’s most stunning new trendsetter, I take my role very seriously. People are relying on me to tell them what the new things (THINGS!) will be not only now but in the very near future. If you are going to stay ahead of the other sheep then you need to know what’s happening on the street, and if that were a little bit snappier than it would be my motto.

Check it. So what’s new? What’s in? What’s out? Do they still shake it all about? Here’s the rundown for all you clowns:

  • Fashion – built-up domingo trousers are out and red felt jumpers are in. If you’re seen wearing a crimson woolly pull over then you will be in seventh heaven, baby. Catch two sock akenfolds round the ankles and it’ll seal the deal in a wigwam. Chas Henry was caught trying to sneak into a club in a skin-tight elephant bold trio top and was snapped by the paparazzi; how embarrassing!
  • TV – the latest now is actually yesterday. Repeats of old television programmes are flying under the radar however soon to hit the top of the schedules. An episode of ‘Follyfoot’ from 1972 last week received thirty five million viewers, mainly because people got confused and were tuning in to watch the ‘Bellew vs Usyk’ fight and instead were treated to a gentle children’s drama about horses. Risqué comedy ‘Calamity Trousers’, banned for the last twenty years or so due to questionable jokes about men’s genitalia, has also seen a rise in viewing figures;
  • Art – he may be known mainly for his poetry but Arthur “Lemon” Lemonson has strode well and truly into the 21st century with his art emporium ‘Wicked Snakepipe’, located in the more fashionable section of Hampstead Heath. Along with works of his own, he has recently displayed a number of stunning pieces by etiquette lesbian Jemima Quandry, foible godfather Ronny Biglake and genius water feature Romily Snaft. The current gallery hosts an exhibition about the struggles of cleaning a sieve and why pineapples struggle with karaoke;
  • Film – look away into the distance as the pull of New Zealand cinema is strong during the latter half of 2018. The seminal three hour documentary ‘Loincloth’, winner of three Sundance awards already, about the demise of the one fashionable item of clothing, is about to hit key cinemas around the country in the coming weeks. You are strongly advised to book your tickets now because this is going to be an onslaught of a film. Critically acclaimed drama ‘Your Fingernails are Uncanny’, following the slow degeneration of an office worker and how she struggles to cope with typing at 50 words a minute or more, will be sweeping down in the UK just this side of Christmas. Finally shock comedian Bawdy Moonpacket’s fifth foray into cinema, ‘Saucepan Solar Eclipse’, will be edging its way towards you like a woodlouse on a mission at the beginning of December. Following a full 40 minutes being removed from the original director’s cut, it has been able to secure an 18 certificate to allow it to be shown in UK cinema. You’ll thank me for this one.

So there you go.

As well as this, to get ahead of the crowds, perhaps you’ve got this weekend free? If so, dip down to Doncaster where the latest sport, sheep flipping , is taking place. Can you turn a sheep 360 degrees in mid-air and have it land on its feet? Would you like the opportunity to find out?

That’s all you need right now to show how much you are right on the fashions. I will be back again soon to lead you up the garden path of trend, like the angry daschund I am.

Good night.

Avatar Sport: know the risks

It’s coming home, apparently. That much is now received wisdom. But what does this mean for you? Please read and memorise this important guide for your own safety.

Beans Laboratories have conducted a range of scientific tests* on Sport and have raised the Sport Threat Level to “Steady On”, its highest level since the 2012 Limpety Pinpicks.

This means that there is an exceptionally high risk of sport infiltrating your life. Already cases have emerged of Beans delegates participating in sporting activities that are gravely out of character.

  • Mr. Kevindo Menendez has been observed viewing a World Football Cup Soccer Match on his widescreen television. During this period of time he also verbally expressed interest in the score and outcome of the match.
  • Mr. Christopher 5156 has made social media posts claiming to have physically attended a “Tea Twenty County Cricket Tournament Game”, in which he alleged that he found the experience enjoyable.

These horrifying stories may not be isolated incidents – it is possible that further Sport contamination has taken place which has not yet been reported to the proper authorities. You are strongly advised to be on your guard against all types of sporting activity; to avoid listening to any music recorded by the Lightning Seeds between 1994 and 2000 (note that this renders their debut album “Sense” technically safe to listen to, though the track “Life of Riley” may remain hazardous due to its continued use for football compilation sequences on TV); to avoid all balls and ball-shaped objects, including oranges, onions, apples, bapples, but not Papples; and to remain indoors as much as possible.

* Scientific tests included dipping Sport in potassium chloride, whizzing it around in one of those spinny centrifuge machines you see scientists using on TV, and setting fire to it.

Avatar Monty Don – Petition Update

Hi Guys

So, I believe that we are all in receipt of the petition, and when I say “the petition” you know fine well which petition I mean. Yes, it’s the one to get my main man Monty Don back up onstage with a microphone in his hand to rip the world in two with some phat beats.

The only way we are going to get this up and running is with the backing of the people. I know that all of his fans have been crying out for this for years and it was only recently that some brainiac had the right idea to start a petition, and get the ball rolling. We need to roll that ball quick and hard, like the effort needed to stretch a weasel. We have to put that weasel right in there, no pre-stretching or pre-preparation at all, and get it stretched like there’s no tomorrow. If that weasel is going, it’s going and there’s no going back. If that ball rolls back then we need to smash it into next week, whether using the weasel or not.

So, like the weasel, and maybe the ball, we need to get the word out to everyone. I want to see Twitters, people, I want to see a rip curl of emotion driving this down the throats of every single name in your list of followers. I want to see Facebook posts, Instagram instas, Linked-In sausage link notifications and postcards sent to a PO Box address that doesn’t exist.

I have never felt so strongly about anything in my entire life. I feel as though I was put on this earth to make this happen, and the only way it can happen is with the support of people like you. Without you there would be no you, so keep you-ing and I will keep me-ing, and with any luck by the end of the summer we will have achieved our goal.

All of my eyes, and I do mean all of them, are on you to sort this mother out. Bless you and all your tiny hand socks of joy (what?).

Avatar Loudermilk

Loudermilk. Loudermilk. Is it a request? “This milk is a little quiet for my liking; could I have some Loudermilk please?”

Is it a company? A Finnish crime drama?

It’s none of these things. Loudermilk is a surname. I recently caught the beginning of an episode of what seems like an endless stream of Power Rangers series’. The newest is called something like Mega Team Force Pencil Schnapps Eyebrows. One of the actors is the brilliantly named John Mark Loudermilk.

Then, just to seal the deal in a wigwam, if you type it into Google something else completely different comes up.

‘Loudermilk’ is an American TV comedy series about a recovering alcohol and substance abuse councillor with a bad attitude.

This morning I was not even aware of the word and now I know two very differing kinds of Loudermilk. Could there be more? As I once told Eamonn Holmes, “there’s only one way to find out!”

Unfortunately the library is closed today so we will all have to wait.

This just continues the theory that everything that should be invented has already been invented. Had I been in charge, however, I would have preferred the name ‘Shoutymilk’, and Brian Blessed would have had top billing.

Avatar Fashion Guru

After the roaring success of my washing machine repair business, I have been on the lookout for another venture to dip my respective success toes in. I have been inundated with suggestions from fans as to what I can apply my brilliant effortless skills to but nothing seemed quite right. That is until I took a long hard look in the mirror.

“What do you see, Ian?” my subconscious murmured. “What do all your various pairs of eyes see / view / peer etc?”

What I saw that day, I cannot utter again. That image is for m-me and m-me alone. What all you need to know is that I made the grand decision that I would become a fashion guru. I know clothes, and I know people, so it was inevitable that the two would eventually meet. There are a lot of people out there who don’t know how to dress. Why can’t they do it? How hard is it to put clothes on in the morning? Luckily for me though, without these chumble buckets I wouldn’t be in a job.

Using all my knowledge of people and clothes, I will be establish the empire of the 21st century. There will be those who will doubt my prowess and I am more than ready to take on their comments and their egos. There will be those who will make fun of my previous professional career turns, and I can tell you now I am nor will I ever be ashamed of where I came from. Those washing machines were mended with all the love, care and attention I will now be pushing into, erm, denim jackets.

I will be opening up my fashion shop cum studio cum money-spinning franchise in the fashionable area of Benwell, Newcastle upon Tyne. When I reach my first cool hundred mil, which no doubt will be before the end of the year, I will set my sights on the next great style capital of the world; Middlesbrough!

If you need me, make an appointment with my PA.

Avatar Call the lawyers

I have recently learned of some remarkable similarities between a song by the world’s most popular bands, The Papples, and another rock/pop act. It would not be exaggerating things to say that this appears to be a shameless, barefaced act of plagiarism.

Remind yourself, if you will, of the track Tigerplane vs Chickencopter from the Papples’ fifth studio album A Sensual Awakening.

Now cock an ear at the song XTC vs Adam Ant by They Might Be Giants, from their 1996 album Factory Showroom.

Well, here we have two songs about an epic battle to the death between two sworn enemies. And just look at all the similarities.

  • Both songs have a gripping storyline in which first one combatant appears to be winning but then the other makes a decisive blow for victory
  • Both songs tell us “there is no wrong or right”
  • Both songs tell us the two parties are fighting but “there is no reason why”

I find it, frankly, unbelievable that a band signed to a major record label can be allowed to get away with ripping off the Papples’ own original work, and worse still, they had the cheek to do it nineteen years before the Papples even wrote the song.

I think it’s time to call our hot shot lawyers. Justice must be done.