Fromage Homage

It’s around this time of the year that everyone looks to the future. There is a lot of talk about Christmas and the inevitable run up and everything involved. Let us not forget the things though that are constant. These things that are around us on a regular basis that refuse to give up when times are hard. I am, of course, talking about cheese.

When was the last time you gave a hearty shout out to the marvel of cheese?

When did you last go a bit glossy-eyed about a bit of Brie or a slice of Red Leicester?

There are some members of this website that regularly draw themselves as a large clump of cheese that wanders around London in a top hat. That I confess I have never done, yet I feel a strong affinity with cheese. It hides in my sandwich and tickles my fancy. It stares at me longingly from the shelves, urging me to purchase it.

There have been times when in my darkest moments I have not acknowledged it in the way that it deserves and I am looking to rectify that in any way I can. So here it is, my little flag-waving entry in the long history of the Beans to pull up a chair and put my arm around that most helpful and comforting of fellows. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you cheese.

(Addendum: this post was created in conjunction with the fact that homage rhymes with the French word for ‘cheese’).

In Memory of Bert Papps

You remember Bert Papps, don’t you?

Recently I was sitting on his bench and it reminded me of some of the amazing things he did.

Like the time he ran the four minute mile to check if it was safe for Roger Bannister to have a go. What a star.

Then there was the time his plane was shot down in the Battle of Britain, and instead of giving up he landed tail-first so he could carry on firing his guns up into the sky at the enemy.

Or do you remember when he invented Worcestershire Sauce? It’s hard to believe it now, but before he came along, if you wanted to put something obscure on your cheese on toast, you had to whisk some vinegar into egg whites and pour that over instead.

Let’s all share our Bert Papps memories here.

Sponsor My Face

So we’re approaching the end of October and it’s only fair that my face gets the attention it deserves.

I mean come on people, this beard doesn’t grow itself you know. Look at it; such a magnificent specimen of a clutter of face candy right there. That has inspired numerous people, including yourselves, to throw money at it in the aid of raising money. And what money has been raised? Enough for me to continue to hold my head high, even if it may be weighed down with the loveliness centred about my chin.

Let us all take a couple of minutes to ponder this before moving on with our lives.

Loyalty

Where do your allegiances lie? Are you loyal to the Royals? Are you allied to the River Clyde? Are you dutiful to anything beautiful?

Until recently this was a question I just couldn’t answer. I didn’t know whose side I was on. But then someone handed me a little card and my life changed.

Yes! Now I have a Porridge Loyalty Card, I am officially loyal to porridge, and I have the documentation to prove it. Nobody can doubt my porridge credentials.

What are you loyal to? Are you a porridge compatriot? I must know.

The Kevil Competition Appeal

As the days unfold in a flurry of Autumn leaves it appears as though something is amiss. There is something missing from our lives that up until now has remained unbeknownst to the common man. There is a space in the cupboard where something should be. There’s a small burrow in your wardrobe where something should be hanging. You go to pour your boiling hot water and all you do is empty the contents of the kettle onto the kitchen top.

Yes. That’s it. Someone has been a little selfish and hasn’t been sending out freebies recently.

I always wear my Kevil brand merchandising with pride, and the fact that they get sent to my house for free is just a cheeky bonus. Those excitable moments peering through the cardboard at the latest nugget to drop onto your doorstep… I don’t know about you but I want more.

So here it is, the competition you’ve been waiting for.

So far there’s been a crab and a penguin but what animal would you like Kev to use his magic on and turn into a cartoon to be flaunted on mugs, t-shirts and other appealing merch?
What member of the kingdom of not humans could turn your mid-morning beverage into a statement rather than another part of your dreary, meaningless existence?
If you’re going to shake your bits at the roller disco what would you like splashed across your chest to herald your appearance?

Vote now!

An actual sensible idea… ArtDisc

Hello, sorry to interrupt the usual nonsense, but I think I’ve had a great idea, and I’ve called it ArtDisc.

Or at least I think I have, I don’t think I’ve stolen the idea, I think I had it. It’s quite simple, but I’ll break it down anyway:

Everyone in the UK who owns a car right now probably owns a Tax Disc Holder due to the (until recent) need for everyone who owns a car right now to display a Tax Disc.
We no longer need to display a Tax Disk in our cars anymore here in the UK.
In a sad kind of way, I quite like my Tax Disc Holder, and I don’t want to throw it away or put it in a drawer to be throw away in a few years when I have a tidy out.
Why don’t we all put something else in out Tax Disc Holders?
ART! A photo, a picture your kids drew, a cut down post card with the Mona Lisa on it, whatever.
We’d have a nationwide, free to enter, democratically curated national art gallery.

Are you with me?

I like the idea so much, I’ve already made it a website: www.artdisc.co.uk

If you like it too, will you help me push it all over the interwebs and things so that other people might join in?

Any suggestions welcome.

Fire Drill

As the Pouring Beans Health and Safety Officer, it has come to my attention that this site has been running for almost a year now and we are yet to have a fire drill.

In the event that this website catches fire, it is important that everyone knows what to do, where to find their nearest fire exit and how to close their browser window quickly and safely.

Imagine the horror if you were trapped in the Beans, the navigation bar ablaze, smoke coming out of the search box, and your only escape was through the Old Beans and down the Character Hatch™. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

Please take some time to familiarise yourself with the fire exit signs so you know how to leave the website in an emergency.

Furthermore, at 11am on Saturday, we will have a fire drill. When you hear the fire alarm sounding, please make your way calmly to your nearest emergency exit and assemble outside on the Google homepage. The fire alarm is easily recognisable as it plays the ear-splitting sound of some baked beans being tipped out of a can.

Thank you.

The Kevindo Menendez Birthday Memorial Tribute Night Out – 2014 Edition

What happens when your birthday is shit, like dirt dog ass shit? When it feels as though someone has taken the time to use a straw to blow shit all over you and your life and then refuse to clean it up?

Thankfully this isn’t what happened on Kev’s birthday. It was a little weak but the company was swift and then getting wrecked at his parent’s house is always a welcome change from hanging out with the twelve year olds at the Gascoigne’s. It seemed fair though that in order to restore the balance something was required to levitate his birthday out of the doldrums and back into what scientists are now calling “Acebag Territory”.

How does one do this? It’s incredibly difficult to justify a birthday night out a full sixty four days after the day of the birthday itself. Luckily I’m not someone who feels the need to justify most of anything I do. So we did. The guest list was so exclusive only two people were invited. The timing was so tight there wasn’t enough time for pre-drink drinks or post-drink drinks. It was straight into the drinks. Here are a list of things we learned:

For the first two or three bars we witnessed several common phenomena which continued to repeat itself. Whichever place we went to would eventually have most of the patrons gone by the time we left. We also ran into pairs of lesbians as well as several other people who caught the same train into Leeds as we did.
Johnny Bobbins runs the tiny ticket desk at Leeds train station. When you don’t get a chance to buy a ticket on a train you have to visit his window where he uses his ticket machine from 1975 to produce one for you so you can get through the barriers. Kev has absolutely no respect for Johnny Bobbins. I do, but only so far as where his job is concerned. When he dresses up as a sexy witch I draw the line; whatever he wants to do in his free time is nothing to do with me.
The title for the evening was not decided properly until after the evening was over.
No matter where I go, no matter what I’m doing, I still seem to be able to attract both people I know and strangers. In this instance it was a guy from Hull for giving some change to a homeless man, a woman I work with also on a night out in Leeds and then some guy advertising a strip club who insisted he could help us get in with his help. I know I’m pushing 30 but I think I could make it down the steps unaided.
Don’t snaffle a full bag of Doritos after excessive drinking; it’ll make your mouth extra furry in the morning.
The Mixing Tin does no longer exist, and hasn’t for some time. Getting a drink there was excessively hard.

It’s clear that this should therefore be a regular thing. I invite everyone reading this to sign up for next year’s entry in the hope of broadening the horizons of the Kevindo Menendez Birthday Memorial Tribute Night Out.

Broaden indeed.