29 Cats
29 Cats
Were sitting in a tree
Spread out on the branches
Drinking cups of tea
One little cat
Had enough to drink
Climbed up to the top
And had a little think
That little cat
Decided he should wee
But was very lazy
So did it in the tree
28 other cats
Sat lower in the tree
Now all wet and pissy
Decided they should flee
One lonely cat
Relieved but now alone
Sat atop his lonely tree
Reading Twitter on his phone
The Face Update: My FaceAfter an overwhelming number of requests, it was only fair that I provide an update about my face so everyone can stop pondering their ponders and querying their queries. If you have seen my face recently you may be a little shocked as to the present state and condition of it, so I would respectfully and humbly ask that all of you take a seat before reading the rest of this post.
The Face
As you can see, the majority of my face is now just a nose. This nose takes up approximately 80% of what used to be my face. Can you even still call it a face when most of it is a nose? Nobody knows. All I know is that things have become a lot more nasal as a result of this.
The Nose
The nose continues to grow at an exponential rate. Scientists predict that within three weeks I will have lost my face altogether. It will cease to exist and only one massive, humongous nose, attached to a pair of arms and legs, will walk around pretending to be me. I will resemble Chris the Cheese but instead of a large block of cheese I will resemble a huge conk, and small school children will haphazardly wander into and up my nasal cavity in the hope of finding their lost kites and skateboards.
The Eye
In addition to this, another shocking revelation is that one of my eyes has been replaced by a BBC news presenter in the middle of reporting an interesting piece about China. This article repeats every seven minutes and whilst it has become a repetitive and somewhat annoying inclusion, it is very informative and has won several awards. Seeing through it is no longer an option; I have taken to wearing an eye patch, much like pop chanteuse Gabrielle, to cover my iron shame.
Conclusion
… I should probably go see a doctor.
Testing…testing… 123Hello? Hello?
Can you hear me at the back? If you can, then we have successfully transferred over to the new magical computers.
Things do seem to be a lot faster around here so I can only assume that the computers were very pleased with the ceremony I conducted on Saturday evening.
I couldn’t get any of the magical computer banks shown in the first post, but by way of apology we now have a full room of these pumping things out instead.
I hope this is still worth £15.
New Job CelebrationAbout a month ago Elena got a new job and, as you may remember, we decided we should celebrate it here on the Beans. Unfortunately, due to the hectic posting schedule we work with, and the huge backlog of important information that must be posted to the site, we have only just found time to fit it in.
So here we are with our celebration of Elena’s new job. Let’s get some facts from The Fact Penguin.
We asked The Fact Penguin these questions and it offered the following entirely factual answers.
After answering these questions The Fact Penguin indicated that we had reached the limit of questions for today, as specified in his contract, and decided to go for a swim. Please do not ask The Fact Penguin any further questions.
Champagne and low-cost nibbles will be served in the Banqueting Hall from 6 this evening. (The Banqueting Hall can be found at the far end of the lower ground floor picture gallery from the “Things” page of the website.) Please wear black tie so that The Fact Penguin does not feel overdressed.
Appeasing the magical computersRight, lets just get all the “Oh look Kev’s back” crap out of the way upfront… I haven’t been here. I know.
I’ve got a 3 month old boy, a tired (lunatic) wife and myself to look after. As I’m sure Ian can testify, this is hard work. Nobody gets enough sleep, everyone is cranky and there are very few spare minutes in a week let alone a day.
It’s lovely, wonderful and bloody hard work. Anyway…
This wonderful little commune of excellence we have going doesn’t happen for free. The magical computers that carry the bits, bytes and sandwiches of data backwards and forwards have to be periodically fed cash money else they get angry and stop.
The magical computers we have used for the last few years have gotten greedy, wanting more and more cash money whilst simultaneously getting fat and a bit slow. The ceremonial feeding is due very soon and I’d like to try moving to a new group of magical computers, which both eat less money and claim to be faster at carrying sandwiches.
I’m plan to appease the new computers with a feed so large it will last for 2 whole years, but to do so I need your helps.
If you want the Beans™ to continue, I’d like you (Chris and Ian) to agree to hand over £15 each so that the ceremony can be performed. I have appeased the current computers with a light snack which will see us through another month, but I’d like to get moving on this pretty sharpish. Let me know your thoughts…
Dear Beans… Considerate Companion ConundrumDear Beans,
It’s been a while now since my last letter and things have not gotten any better. As life does drop many a hindrance in my way, so too does it reward me in such bounteous ways. For instance, my friends are far too generous. Why during the last couple of months I have received a plethora of items through the post. These have included my favourite film on DVD, on no less than five occasions, as well as numerous other DVDs and CDs containing music the likes of which my ears have never heard. Each time I come home from work there is always something waiting for me in the post. The day that I return and my letterbox is empty is the day I utter a large, “tut tut tut” to the sky.
But how does one repay these gifts of kindness? How can I hope to ever give back that which has previously been given to me? What can I give to them to try and redress the balance?
I mean it’s hopeless. I could attempt a similar feat but when it comes to this extreme level of thoughtfulness you have to offer something more otherwise it will just come across as hollow and meaningless. This is a conundrum that requires more consideration than most.
If there is anything at all, any piece of advice that you can serve like a ring of crackers on a silver platter, then please send it my way.
Yours faithfully,
Mr/Mrs/Dr X
Mid ThirtiesA week or so ago, I turned 32.
This is an important moment. I’ve left behind the first couple and I am now officially in my thirties. I am in my thirties. When I was a teenager that phrase would have been more or less on a par with old age pensioner or incontinent geriatric.
Consequently, in my twenties, I made a serious mistake. I held on to my “early twenties” for far too long. 20, 21, 22 – nobody would argue that they are your early twenties. But I carried on thinking of myself as being in my early twenties at 23 and 24 too. That was fine at the time. I clung to my youth.
Then my 25th birthday arrived and with it came a terrible realisation. 25 had to be my mid twenties, there was no denying it. But if 20-24 had all been early twenties, then I had squeezed my mid twenties down to a year, and at 26 I was unwillingly hurled forwards into my late twenties. My late twenties. They were almost over with four years to go. Nightmare.
So with this decade of my life I am determined to get it right. Having turned 32, I am now officially declaring myself to have entered my mid thirties. By taking a hit now, and entering my mid thirties early, I can continue them much longer, and I don’t have to think of myself as reaching my late thirties until I’m 38, at which point I should be able to come to terms with the idea.
So here we are: 32, the beginning of my mid thirties, and an early sign that I might be learning from past mistakes. Sometimes.
What did you just say about beavers?Reuben approached me last weekend because he had recently had a dream that had perplexed him and needed to know what it meant.
This is mostly his dream with details but with a smudge of embellishment on my part:
“Reuben is walking around school with his new fictional best friend, Daniel. They had decided to walk back home through the woods once the school day was over. The woods, though dark, were still light enough to be unthreatening. They had gone halfway through when they heard a strange noise and a bright blue flash, and stood at the base of a tree was a beaver.
They tried to get near but each time the beaver disappeared and reappeared in a different part of the woods. Sometimes the beaver would appear in different attire, and in particular as a Mexican. Reuben and Daniel split up and in doing so, one of them managed to grab the beaver. As the other approached, the bright blue light flashed and they had magically been transported to ancient Egypt.
It was at this point they realised it was a magical, time-travelling beaver.
The animal was tired; time-travelling is a very tiring experience. The only way to re-charge the beaver was to feed him a particular type of wood. Once this was done, Reuben and Daniel had to try to convince the beaver that they needed to go home, which was difficult because the beaver was worshipped as a God in this period of history.
After a fair amount of tussling, the beaver accidentally transports them to the post apocalyptic world of 2704. Then, through a series of mishaps, they also take in the sights of the Jurassic era, the Romans, pirates, Aztecs, Victorian era Britain, World War II and the 1980’s.
Eventually though they get home and decide to keep the beaver as a pet. It turns out he is called Harold. His full name is Harold “Carrot” Bevoid. In his time he drives a Beaver Delorean. His time is not specifically mentioned so they do not know what year he has time-travelled from.”
…
Something to do with puberty perhaps?