Avatar Trekkin’ Abroad – France (Part 1)

I don’t go on holiday very often so it seems a bit silly to start a post as though future ones may appear. Perhaps those who travel more than me could contribute? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

I’ve never been to France however what I saw has convinced me to return again at some point. I arrived mid-afternoon on Thursday to a barrage of rays and overwhelming heat. It certainly didn’t help that I was sporting my large winter coat (lots of pockets, helpful when faffing in airports). My sister met me close to where she lived and walked through the streets back to her apartment. It was a modest effort and one which was stifling considering the temperature. We didn’t stay long except to pick up the last remaining items she wished to ship back home.

There was an unmistakeable air of Europe about the place. How can someone say that if they’ve never been to France? I have been to Greece and Germany before so I can with some confidence say that it was definitely more European than Newcastle upon Tyne. The streets were relatively clean. The residents helpful and pleasant. My sister told me to keep an eye on my feet for the volume of dog shit that supposedly peppered the pavement yet I found very little.

And the women were zoomed in straight from the pages of Vogue or some other fancy magazine I’ve clearly never read but can make references to. They were uncommonly beautiful, graceful, barely looked in my direction the whole time I was there. My reasons for being in Lyon were hardly based around this premise anyway so it didn’t bother me too much that they paid more attention to plucking food from between their teeth than me. I’m surprised I didn’t walk into more lampposts though.

Most of the remainder of the first day was spent sitting and drinking. I had been travelling since 6:30 am anyway so it made sense not to rush anything. We stayed at my sister’s friend’s flat, which was much bigger than her own, for which we were both truly thankful. My first grievance was the kettle. Strange choice I know but for some reason it merely complicated the idea of heating water. Rather than just having an ‘on’ button which clicks off when it’s done it instead allowed you to heat your water to any temperature between 60 and 100 degrees. It also enjoyed taking longer than usual to perform its basic action and then, just as it was about to reach the temperature you were looking for, it seemed to dawdle, aware that you were desperate for a cup of coffee and revelling in the power it wielded over your sorry ass.

I should point out that I did and do not hate this kettle but it certainly needs to buck up its ‘chude to the common man.

Avatar Review: Monty Python Live

Last week I went to see Monty Python Live, on one of their ten final ever dates. It was an exciting night for many reasons but I left feeling very let down.

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The first problem was not the fault of Monty Python themselves but was to do with the venue. On arriving at the O2, instead of finding the incredible, expansive white domed tent I had been led to expect by the O2’s promotional material, I found instead a very underwhelming brick-built theatre tucked away on a back street in Soho. It was an extremely long walk from North Greenwich tube station and not at all well placed for river boat services.

On entering the venue the staff were very rude and insisted that my ticket was not valid. It was only by kicking up a considerable stink and threatening to call the police that I was finally admitted to the auditorium. Inside the seat numbers made no sense when compared to the seat number on my ticket so I had to choose my own seat.

The show itself was baffling, principally because it was very difficult to tell who was who. All five of the Monty Python performers were so heavily made-up and disguised in costumes that they were literally unrecognisable. This, and the absence of any material I had seen before or recognised, meant that the whole show was rather strange. The sketches appeared to flow together extremely closely in a single flow of consciousness to the point that it almost resembled a normal theatrical performance, and there was a consistent theme of a murder mystery running through it.

There were very few laughs, and when I attempted to whip the crowd up a bit by shouting “albatross!” or “nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” I was shushed by other audience members. At one point a steward threatened to eject me if I didn’t stop chanting “spam” through what appeared to be a particularly dull scene involving a police officer interviewing somebody.

After the show I inspected the merchandise, but without much hope, and found it all as abstract and obtuse as the show had been. All of it had the slogan “Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap” which I don’t remember being one of their better lines and which didn’t seem to have been shouted at any point during the show.

All in all, I would vote to give it a miss as I found it extremely disappointing.

I vote it three stars out of five.

Avatar Pointless Purchase of the Month – July

Ah, go on then. Seeing as you have all been desperate to know what other pointless things I have been spending my money on it’s only fair that we wheel out another pointless purchase of the month. June was pretty quiet but I’ve been looking to get my hands on one of these sweet sweet babies for the past week or so.

And here it is.

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Marvellous. Incredible. Completely pointless. Why? Let’s go over the details:

1. It’s a brilliant game, but I wouldn’t know. I haven’t had a chance to play it yet. I originally bought the special limited edition version which is still sealed in its original packaging, hidden away in the cupboard of wonders. So I do previously own it but decided to buy it again.

2. I actually already own it twice. The special edition and the less special edition, both of which are still sealed. So this would make the third version of the same game which I still haven’t played yet.

3. Even if I wanted to play it I couldn’t. The game requires an additional piece of equipment to strap to the bottom of the Wii remote  which I don’t own. Actually, I do own but it’s contained in the special limited edition version just to make matters that little bit more pointless.

Being the age I am now, owning all the pointless things that I do, sometimes I look at it all and wonder just what the hell it is that I’m playing at. Then I realise that I love it even more because of just how pointless it all is and then I laugh like a potter’s wheel and go to bed.

Avatar Newsboost – Cowvertising Takes Off

Advertising is absolutely everywhere. As you walk the streets hugh billboards dwarf entire cities from miles above. Television and the internet are littered with everything from pop-ups to articles to infomercials and back again to that period ITV needs to rake some cash in between showing a repeat of a Bond film. Just when you thought there was no room left for innovation in the advertising industry, a young farmer from the Lake District takes a spin and leaves modern life trailing behind.

Steven Pouterson works on the ‘Little Hooves’ farm close to Grasmere. He initially got frustrated that a lot of the animals were not fulfilling their potential on the farm and that only having one or two jobs was not enough. His work lasted all day yet they “phoned it in” during the morning and sat around doing nothing else. The worst offenders? Cows, as Steven explains. “There’s nothing there. You can wave your hands in front of their faces and they barely react. They are natures concrete bollards or something equally stationary. It then occurred to me that perhaps there was some way of making money from their laziness.”

Indeed, there is very little money to be made from laziness yet Steven managed to turn a very negative into a super positive.

“Do you know how many people visited the Lake District last year? Around 14.8 million. Do you know how many of them probably saw a cow in a field? All of them. They’re bloody everywhere. So it made sense to use the cows as living, breathing billboards. They have that large expanse of flesh on the side that it just ripe for logos and slogans.”

Since signing some deals with local businesses at the end of 2013, Steven’s “cowvertising” has taken leaps and bounds. Several major brands are looking into using his animals to advertise their products across the Lake District. Given that he has currently over three hundred cows to his name, he is looking at a tidy slice of revenue by the end of 2014. “There’s nothing cruel about it. We hang loose-fitting tabards on the side and the cows do the rest of the work. They’re visible for miles. I mean if you saw a cow with the ‘Dominos Pizza’ logo adorned on it, you would sit up and take notice.”

Several other farm animals have been seen to take an interest in the field. “Horsin’ Around”, a stable over in nearby Patterdale, is considering a similar move into animal advertising. They would have to take into consideration the smaller workspace of the horse’s stomach. Sheep in the area have been quoted as having, “major reservations” about the entire process but refused to offer an official statement.

Avatar The manliest night of my life

A couple of weeks ago I had a whole new experience. Ian, long-haired co-conspirator here on the Beans, accompanied me to a pub where football was showing. Together we drank beer and looked at a small part of the TV screen that was visible where we were sitting, and talked about football and women. At times we said swear words. It was easily the manliest thing I’ve ever done.

After we left the pub, we accidentally sat on some slugs on a wet bench and recorded a moving musical tribute to the missing third member of The Beans.

Here it is, in full.

Avatar Happy Death Day, Mr R. Brek!

It was exactly four years ago that a very good friend of mine died.

Not a lot happened on 24 June 2010, at least for the rest of the world. It was a Thursday. Apparently in some minor tennis tournament some guy beat some other guy in a really long match. Does anyone remember it though? Of course not. It is confined to the annals of history.

What unraveled for me though was the beginning of something special. In life Mr R Brek was, in all honesty, disgusting. A colleague at work had passed me him because they didn’t want him anymore and thought I would prefer his company. So in order to not waste him and his good name I knocked up a batch. It tasted akin to the material they line hamster cages with. I’ve sampled better food off the bathroom floor. One bowl was enough to put me off for the rest of my life.

Sometimes good things come out of bad things though. In life he could bring no joy but shortly afterwards we became great friends. He sat on my desk, smiling away without a care in the world, ready to lift my spirits whenever times were hardest. If there was a joke to be made he was the first to make it. It seemed appropriate to place a ‘Parental Advisory Explicit Content’ sticker on his face given how risque and daring he could be at times. When I changed jobs I brought him home to carry on the good vibes, besides not everyone appreciated his particular brand of humour. It made sense to put his feet up and enjoy life a little.

When I first gave him the idea of a ‘Newsboost’ Twitter feed he scoffed and threw apples at my flat cap, however eventually he came around to my way of thinking. It was at his instance, and his enthusiasm, that I gave him the ‘entertainment’ side wherein he flourished in a manner I would not have imagined four years ago.

So here we are, in 2014, still knocking around like a couple of twenty year olds. I wish him all the best on this day of days and trust that you will all raise a glass in his honour.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to the memory of Mr R. Brek who gave more in death than he ever did in life.

Avatar Ode to a Broken Spoon

Some months ago, while stirring a particularly stiff risotto – which, really, needed more liquid as it was far too solid in that state – I applied too much pressure and snapped the wooden spoon in half.

It’s only now, with the passage of time, that I feel able to begin to come to terms with this tragic event and to put some of my feelings into words.

I have now written a poem about this incident. I’m sure you understand how difficult this is for me and I’d be incredibly grateful to have your support.

Broken wooden spoon

Wooden spoon, wooden spoon
Hardwood utensil
For my cookery a boon
In rice-filled pan
You tried your best
But perished when you faced the test

Your shaft bore the scars
Of previous mistreatment
Of singes and overheating
At my behest

I feel
I regret
I cry
To the moon
For you
For you
My spoon