Boat memoriesRecently my family and I went on a ride on a boat. It was a magical journey, on a bright sunny day, full of thrilling golden memories.
I took lots of pictures on the boat ride and in this post I am going to share all of them with you so that you can relive this amazing experience with me.
Driving ObservationsSo it’s been about four months since I passed my test and steadily I have gotten used to the bizarre idea of driving around without someone criticising every mistake I make, at least not inside the car. There are several critics in other cars desperate to point out my shortcomings. It has come to my attention though that the five gears of an automobile have their own personalities and it wasn’t until I started driving on my own that my mind could comprehend the uniqueness of each.
It’s only fair then that I compile a list in numerical order:
First Gear (the Angry Gear)
First gear doesn’t like you. It makes this very apparent seconds into driving. It’s loud and shouty and if you don’t stop using it and move into second it’s going to do something VERY BAD to you. So you change up to…
Second Gear (the Confused Gear)
You’ve made it past the short tempered one and into the gear that is never sure whether it should be slow or fast. You try to tempt it one way, not happy. You put your foot down to speed up, not happy. The only way to bring it a shred of contentedness is to move on.
Third Gear (the Boring Gear)
Your “best friend”. I seem to spend a lot of my time cruising residential streets in third gear. There’s not much to it. Once you push it into third you hear yourself tutting because it tries too hard to please you without any success. Nobody likes a try hard.
Fourth Gear (the Smooth Gear)
Slip into fourth and things seem much better. You’ve got some speed now, you’re building it up, you feel like some progress is finally getting made. It’s a good gear to be in. You cream around curves like a crab covered in custard. But uh oh, you’ve accelerated faster than you should have and need to prepare for…
Fifth Gear (the Couldn’t Give a Toss About Anything Gear)
Stepping into fifth is mostly good. You’re there at the top of the spectrum. You can only go faster now, and faster you will because you can. Shame then that if you happen to hit something at this speed you’ll more than likely die. If you had an accident in third it would call an ambulance and put you in the recovery position. Fifth wouldn’t even take off its headphones to check if you were still alive, and it’d spit on you as it drove off into the horizon.
When you’re driving look out for these character traits. For a fun car game why not give them names and draw cartoon versions of them on napkins? Not you though, you’re driving. It would have to be someone else. If you have friends, that is.
New words added to dictionaryEvery year we see in the news the list of the latest words that have been officially added to the Oxford English Dictionary. 2015 is no different, and in the last few days it’s been announced that the following all-too-familiar slang terms have finally made it into the English language.
sixwide (adj.)
Indicative of something which is not favoured or fashionable. Derived from the fact that Lego vehicles four studs wide are inherently better than those that are six studs wide. sixwider; sixwidest; sixwiddity. Opp: fourwide.
minwah (n.)
A unit of time equal to one earth minute.
totoro (adj.)
Descriptive of a state of completion or finality. When something is completely over and the matter is closed, it is totoro. Originally a contraction of the familiar phrase totally totally Romeo which is self-explanatory.
ramp (v.)
To copulate; to sex; to sire; to tup. Ramping refers to the most intimate act between two creatures and is usually employed to refer to the act being conducted either between animals or in the manner of animals. Generally any successful act is referred to as ramping [sthg] dry, e.g. “I totally ramped the hockey team dry”.
Newsboost – National State of EmergencyDavid Cameron was pulled out of a meeting with Slovak prime minister Rovert Fico earlier this week to address the worrying concerns of a growing number of residents in the North of England. Mr Cameron has yet to comment on the crisis but it has been confirmed that he has cancelled all subsequent engagements for the remainder of this week to focus on the problem. His worried face and damp forehead were enough to confirm just how serious the matter was; the Gasgoignes in Garforth was practically empty on a Friday night.
Our two correspondents who were there on 19th June quickly passed on the information which filtered through to No. 10 in the early hours of Monday morning.
It was approximately 11pm, a time which should have seen drunken youths and self-tanned middle-aged locals swarming around the place like locusts over a corpse. Previous evenings have seen up to ten minutes passing without service at the bar. This particular evening was so quiet the lights were already on and bar staff were cleaning up for the day after. The four aged women in the corner left shortly after. The remaining patrons were a small party near the dining section, including children, and our intrepid reporters. The situation was so dire only one round was bought before exiting.
The last time was also particularly worrying as the entire establishment was closed before they even arrived.
Mr Cameron is expected to address the media before the weekend with a disaster management plan which will more than likely set up a three stage recovery system, possibly beginning with cheap shots up to 10pm and a free adult bouncy castle until closing.
Speculation is rife as to the reason for the lack of business. One can only hope that the disaster management plan reacts quickly enough to prevent any further catastrophe.
Father’s DayI’m not really one for days of celebration; there are far too many to keep up with. For every distinct, sincere and sensible one there are seventeen other silly ones that some berk in a beard in a boardroom decided was a great idea such as Spinning Teatowels Day or Tap Someone on the Shoulder and Wink at a Vegetable Day. These continue to regularly appear on my Twitter feed as though I should give two hoots. I wouldn’t even give one, barely half.
So when it comes to Father’s Day I suppose I should offer up both hoots, and I do. I load up both barrels of the hoot rifle and let rip with all the riposte and energy I’m known for. It was to my complete amusement and amazement then when the following item was placed in my hands by Reuben approximately two days before it was even Father’s Day. He was that excited he couldn’t wait until the correct day:
What does one say when presented with a set of marshmallows containing one’s son’s face in various different guises? We took the piss out of my brother for wanting a cake with his own face on, which he eventually managed to obtain thanks to Asda, and this is essentially the same technology. So why is it different? John did always love himself and this was something more honest, more wholesome and less narcissistic. The boy had come up with the idea all on his own. Where he had heard that someone could scan an image of his face onto confectionary I don’t particularly want to know, but what a present!
I’m almost hesitant to actually eat them. Luckily you’re also given a scan of the individual photos so that once you do pop them in your face hole you can remember them forever and always. You will forgive me then if I do disappear in a timely manner to attend to an unconfirmed previous engagement…
Quiet BeansThere hasn’t been much going on during June here at the Beans. Where is everyone? We’ve sent our roving reporter to find out.
Object of the YearCan you believe it’s that time of year again? The live final of Object of the Year is upon us again, and the finalists are going to the public vote.
The two finalists have worked hard and I don’t think anyone would deny that they both deserve their place in the final.
On the left: the flask. Shiny, smooth, tall and well-insulated, it’s not just highly entertaining, it also seems to embody something indefinable about England.
On the right: the boots. Their tactile suede surface and shiny zips make them the showy one of the pair. They’re always seen together and their tapdancing duets are truly remarkable.
So – it’s that time – cast your vote now!
Call 0898 000 000 000 1 to vote for the flask.
Call 0898 000 000 000 2 to vote for the boots.
Calls may be recorded and monitored for training purposes. Each call will cost one third of your weekly gross income. Ask for permission from your local council before calling. All British Citizens must vote.
New AdditionIt was on a warm summer’s afternoon some time ago that I chanced upon the marvel that is Flat Kitty in a charity shop down main street. I knew instantly that I wanted this cat and nothing was going to stop me from getting her. Since then, well, we’ve all heard the stories before: the rising star, the claim to fame, the eastern European sitcom (previously available on the triple disc NiSH box set, currently deleted) and the multitude of fans in every corner of the globe.
There has always been one problem though; she was the last of her kind. No matter where I looked another of her ilk could not be found. For years she has wanted but only for the soft, warm touch of a friend or a partner to watch the sun set over the River Tyne, and it seemed that this was about a likely as a NiSH reunion (as the three members are still going through legal wranglings).
Fear not no more for last weekend Madge was scouring the decks of the Tynemouth market only to find this shining beacon of hope:
Tiger Kitty, for this be his name, may be from a different time and a different place but his unquestionable thirst for wuv could not be satisfied until he met Flat Kitty.
Early reports suggest a big, celebrity wedding could be on the cards as early as Spring 2016.