Jetfoil

Every day on my way to work, on the way through the station, I pass a number of disused doorways along a side wall.

It has recently come to my attention that one of them has an unexpectedly thrilling sign above it.

As a result, I have the following questions, and I will not rest until they are answered.

What is a Jetfoil?
Can I have a go on one?
If this is the exit from the Jetfoil, how do I get in?

Please answer quickly because I absolutely will not rest until these questions are answered and I am already quite tired.

Thank you.

Newsboost – Showbiz Exclusive: Double Bugger

Having finally confirmed that they have been working together, Smidge Manly and Nizzle granted Newsboost an exclusive interview earlier today to discuss their project.

I met them in the swanky surroundings of “Horace’s Cafe”, a favorite hang-out of Smidge’s in the small of Worsbrough just south of Barnsley. As we sat there on the yellow and brown vinyl chairs, I could see from the excited looks on their faces that they had something big to announce.

“Right, so then. We’ve been working on this thing you see. It’s long since been a dream of mine to put out an album, you know, a load of tracks on one disc. Anyway, I wanted it to be my versions of what I think are the greatest songs in the history of music. I bumped into Nizzle here at a charity gala to raise money for the starving herons of North Yorkshire, and we got chatting. After a few shandies, we decided to make it happen, and that’s how Double Bugger came about”

Smidge Manly

Nizzle, as he is well known for, said nothing throughout the whole time we were there and only looked up from his full english to wave at the waitress for more sugar to go in his tea.

We chatted for about an hour and by the end of it, (largely because I offered to pay for the breakfast) I had secured a world exclusive first play of the promo reel for the new album. I hope you enjoy it.

Download it HERE.

Romance Lives On

Let nobody ever accuse my family of being the beautiful budding bouquet of romantics that we clearly are.

For proof you need look no further than the words in my mouth. They’re right there and you can look at them whenever you like. For further proof, however, take a look at the smooch-tastic read below:

It contains as much passion as seven passion fruits which as any passion fruit enthusiast will tell you is a lot of passion. It’s brimming with bosoms. It’s erupting with enchantment. It’s arresting with amour.

Yes, the surname may be a slightly different spelling but you can tell whom the inspiration was, regarding of what the English language says. I only hope that they’ve got enough copies to satisfy the general public’s thirst for my scintillating life.

Brian May or Bryant May?

It’s a common occurrence. You go to pick up some matches from your local supermarket and accidentally end up trying to escort the guitarist from Queen from the premises who has just stopped by to pick up a crate of aubergines. When the police take you for questioning you explain the situation and all the charges are dropped. I mean who hasn’t confused the match maker ‘Bryant & May’ with perma-permed musician and astrophysicist Brian May? It’s not like mistaking Dave Benson Phillips for a tin of beans; that just wouldn’t happen.

When we peer a little closer though perhaps there’s something else to it. Bryant and May were a company created in the mid-nineteenth century specifically to make matches. Nothing else. People were suggesting various other pursuits, such as tailoring, monkey hampers and Louise cream, but they were all ignored for the single reason most of them didn’t exist. Matches were definitely the way forward. The company was made public in 1884. Brian May was born in 1947, exactly 63 years later. Surely that has to be something more of a coincidence.

Similarly Brian May was born in Hampton, Middlesex. The original Bryant & May factory was located in Bow, London. Only 22 miles or so between the two and, accordingly to Google Maps, it takes over an hour and a half to drive in current traffic conditions.

Why has nobody investigated these things beforehand? Is it a conspiracy that someone, possibly Roger Taylor also from Queen, tried to cover up?

The matter gets even weirder when you then take into consideration Arthur Bryant and John May, the two detectives created by Christopher Fowler for his series of crime fiction novels. They are primarily based in London. Bow is in London and Middlesex is but a stone’s throw away. One of them smokes a pipe which must have been lit by matches. It’s all coming together the more I think about it.

Also May is the fifth month of the year. There have been 15 Bryant and May detective novels, which is a multiple of five. Brian May has been an active guitarist since 1965. There are five letters in the name ‘Brian’. Somehow all three of them are connected in a way that is still yet to be fully deciphered. I think I’m up the challenge though, at least once I’ve finished my stint as a quarry sprayer. If I, or me, or maybe even myself can solve this puzzle then it will guarantee notoriety for the rest of my days.

This Way Up: episode 4

(Two posts in two days! Who does this guy think he is?)

Series 2 of This Way Up is on its way and Pouring Beans is proud to present you with the next episode of Britain’s most innovative radio sketch show, featuring the Sean Connery Accent Watch and slightly more cranial inflation than is technically permitted by Ofcom.

And if you wish to keep hold of this episode to treasure it forever, we suggest you download it.

A game of cards

There’s been a lot of talk around here lately. Lots of people saying things. I suppose that’s how these blogs tend to work, but I think it might be time for something different. So, just for a change, let’s have a game of cards.

We all get seven cards. Aces are high. Jokers are wild. Queens are saucy.

I will begin by playing the seven of clubs.

Your move.

Robert Koch – The Musical

I’m not very into musicals. The whole idea of spending two hours watching people burst into song every five minutes, quite frankly, gives me palpitations of a rocky and unnerving manner that no amount of marshmallows can settle. It seems as though a lot of subject matter has been turned into musicals, both in the theatre and also in cinema.

Even Spiderman has been turned into a musical. My friend Steve took a trip to New York a couple of years ago and paid a hefty price to watch ‘Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark’ which, apparently, has music and lyrics by U2’s Bono and The Edge. Which is just unbelievably crazy. I mean it is. Without even dwelling on it, that’s bonkers.

So what next? What will people look at and think that choruses and choreography can improve, that falsettos and furnishings can dazzle? It got me thinking though which, as most people will know, that’s generally a bad thing. Why not turn the spotlight on someone who I personally believe requires a bit more attention? One of those underdogs who never quite got the recognition that they deserve? Cast your mind back to Year 10 history, pull up a chair and listen to the story of good ol’ Bob Koch.

Robert Heinrich Herman Koch. Born 11 December 1843. The guy was so smart he taught himself to read and write before he started school. His research helped to identify the specific causative agents of tuberculosis, cholera and anthrax. I may be copying these details direct from certain wiki I mean certain websites but I deal in facts and not speculation. The man did a lot for medicine and microbiology and yet other than a statue in Berlin his name is relatively unknown.

Enter me. Amateur script writer and overall champion of the unappreciated. I think I’ve got the moxie to write a full play based on his life, with a dash of songs sprinkled generously over the three hour running time. I’ve been working on one this afternoon and I think you’ll agree that it has got something going on. I give you ‘Great Postulates!’:

Great Postulates!

It’s very simple, it’s on your tongue
I’ve got the recipe for an evening of fun
Down at the lab, test tube in hand
No time to dance, put down your jams

My report is imperative you see
It sets out what is necessary
To identify cultures, disease causing organisms
Those dark little things that mess with your rhythms
I’ve put pen to paper so read it loud
Something to make my country proud

Postulates!
I’ve established criteria
Postulates!
Erect your posterior
Postulates!
Cholera, tuberculosis
Postulates!
Here’s my prognosis…

I’m clearly onto a winner. If you would like to buy some shares in the production then please put some money in a brown paper bag and leave on my doorstep. Shares will be posted to you within 30 days.

Snippets of Flim-Flam – Work Edition

In work as in the rest of life there is much flim-flam, here are some snippets of it:

…and all seems well, however we’ve still got a lot of accounts which don’t have …

…Robert was the person that cleared the log files back in April I am not 100% sure which ones he cleared but that being said…

…change the theme back from a new electric theme to the current one. I changed it against the system admin account by accident…

…regarding the prices…

…stated on that page. In the near future we will need to reconsider that as it wasn’t possible …

…to demonstrate that staff have received proportionate and reasonable training…

Thrilling I’m sure you’ll agree.