On 16 September, Ian wrote:
“I think the only thing you can do then is upload a video of you eating a pizza as though it is the first time you’ve ever done it.”
I am not a man to deny the people their wish.
Month: September 2017
Report from Brighton
This week I have been to Brighton, another seaside town, where large numbers of people who like red things best have gathered for a conference about what it would be like if people who like red things are in charge of everybody. Some of them seem to be under the impression that they already are. Others are arguing about what sort of people who like red things should be in charge of the people who like red things and whether some of the people who like red things like red things more than some of the other people.
As before, I have decided that it’s important I should share my findings of this place with the magnificent readership of the Beans. I learned three things in Brighton.
First, I learned that sand can be really big. Brighton beach is made of sand so big that it’s basically pebbles. Like, each grain is properly pebble sized. I’ve heard it said that they actually are pebbles, but that’s clearly silly because beaches are made of sand.
Second, Brighton is full of very attractive people. Everyone in Brighton is not just beautiful but also very cool, in a sort of unintimidating and effortless way. I feared that I would not fit in with this sort of demographic and feared being rounded up by the police and removed from the town on account of my decidedly ordinary appearance. In the end my boss cut my trip short and redeployed me back to London two days early, which I think was just a cover for the fact that he’d got word from the authorities that I would be exiled if I didn’t leave of my own accord.
The third thing I learned is that you can get a machine that automatically makes pancakes at the push of a button. I know because there was one at breakfast in my hotel.
I was so amazed that I made a video of it, which I have presented here for your enjoyment. The video is soundtracked with an excerpt from the 1996 hit song “Coco Jambo” by Mr President.
You’re welcome.
Report from Bournemouth
This week, my boss sent me to Bournemouth to attend two days of a big meeting where lots of people who all like yellow things came to spend time in each others’ company and talk about what they would do if people who like yellow things were in charge of everything.
I had never been to Bournemouth before, so I thought it would be useful if I presented my findings here for the enrichment of all Beans readers.
Beaver Ian
This is Beaver Ian.
It is me re-imagined as a beaver. You can tell that it’s me because it looks like me, albeit with beaver characteristics. I am often caught with a Walter Matthau hang-dog expression on my face and five days out of seven can be seen wearing what resembles a suit, and pretending to be an adult.
This re-imagining was drawn courtesy of Reuben. This is officially the best drawing of me ever and is practically on the same level of dedication and excellence as the drawing my niece did of her dad with penises for hands.
I only wish I looked as good as Beaver Ian.
Newsboost – Prevenient Pizza Parlour Perfection
There was cause for celebrations today as it was announced that the first early morning takeaway pizza restaurant will be opening before the end of the month.
‘Pizzas, Pizzas and more Pizzas’ has several branches in the North Wales area, and a new store will be opening just over the border in Chester where the hours will be strictly between 4:00am and 12:00pm. We spoke to the owner, Giovanni DeSouda, about his ideas for a bold new future.
“Pizza is considered to be an evening meal, or at best an indulgence over the lunchtime period. Why can’t you have it any earlier? Who says that pizza must remain outside of breakfast? My top chefs have been working on several recipes to cater for all tastes. What we will be looking at as the expected favourites are the standard all day breakfast, the shreddies and rice crispy delight and the breakfast bar bouquet. As well as this, there will be a mix and match system for those who like to start from scratch, or those with particular tastes.
We are aware that there may still be some takeaways open at the time we will be opening, however they will not be able to offer the kinds of pizzas that we will be making. It is a bit of a risk however based on the figures we have, I believe that we can make it a success!”
The new store will open with a fun-filled family day, beginning at 5:00am with a sack race following by face-painting at 5:30am and ending with a pizza-eating completion around 7:00am.
Reports indicate that most residents in the area will not be attending.
Kitty Chang
Last night I met this kitty.
(The photo shows the cat in motion because it didn’t stay still for long.)
I wanted to share this cat with you because it is the first time I have ever met a Chinese cat and what with one of our members being Chinese I thought they might know each other.
This particular cat lived for the first six years of its life in Beijing, and its owners brought it to London when they moved here. About a year later they moved to a new flat where kitties are not allowed and the Chinese cat was rehomed with my friend Andy.
The cat has a Mandarin name that means “Little Black” and which is very hard to pronounce so these days it is generally addressed as “mate”.