A celebration of the many Kevs

I was rummaging in the extensive Beans Archive today, looking for inspiration, when I stumbled across this post, made ten years ago today. It marks the occasion on which Mr. Kevin Head turned 24 years old. Well, as you can imagine, I immediately got my calculator out, and blow me if that doesn’t mean that today is very likely to be Mr. Kevin Head’s birthday again. He will be older than 24 today, though I’m not entirely sure by how much.

What better day, then, to celebrate our acquaintance with the Beans’ resident DIY expert and master Giant Magical Computer Appeaser, Kevin “Kevindo Menendez” Menendez?

Lemon’s Day Out

What makes a great day out? Smashing weather? A choice picnic? Celebrity endorsements? Whatever you think is right is probably wrong. The thing that makes a great day out is lemons.

There is nothing more satisfying than chucking a lemon up into the air and catching it. There is nothing better than taking a photo of a lemon doing something a lemon should not be doing (waaaaaaaaaaaaay!). Wherever you look there are millions of people out enjoying their summer holidays yet they’re doing it without the benefit of lemons. Our scientists predict that holiday satisfaction levels would increase sevenfold should people choose to include a lemon, or multiple lemons, in their activities.

As a test run I recently took a lemon into town when my sister came to visit. My lemon joy levels peaked higher than previous lemon levels have ever reached. It was quite a day. Given how cost-effective lemons are, I am hoping to start a kickstarter campaign to supply lemons to the poorer regions of the UK IN THE HOPE OF… sorry, in the hope of upping the ante in the lemon department, which sounds like it should be rude but it’s not.

When is the last time you took a lemon out? Respond below and share the joy of the citrus fruit that is… Lemons!*

*has clearly said the word far too much and thus attempts to remove it from his vocabulary

Smidge on Science: Wind

You can feel the wind, can’t you? You can hold up your hand when you’re outdoors and feel it. But you can’t see it. Have you ever noticed that?

If you haven’t noticed that, then don’t feel bad. It’s just that you and I don’t have the keen scientific mind of Smidge Manly. He did notice that, and what’s more he tracked down a couple of experts who could help him, and you, the ignorant public, to understand why.

Rejoice, for the third episode of Smidge on Science is with us, and it contains an unexpected appearance from an old friend!

The secret life of Chris

My past is a shady, murky place. Little is known by the general public.

A while ago, it came as a surprise to everyone when I revealed that I was once jilted at the altar by a bear. But there are more secrets to be revealed, and today I am finally ready to share one with you. For a long time I wasn’t sure I could ever tell anyone about this, because to be honest I don’t remember it, but apparently – many years ago, longer ago, in fact, than I thought I had ever been alive – I was a stylish Edwardian lady.

It all seemed quite improbable until the evidence turned up: this lovely portrait, hanging up in my local Wetherspoons, that undeniably shows me in my previous form.

What hasn’t come to light yet (and I’ve asked the landlord about it, but he said he didn’t know, and he had other people to serve so I had to stop asking him) is what my name was in those days. I doubt it was Chris. It would have to have been something more delicate and ladylike. If your research produces any results on that front I’d be glad to hear them.

Hedge Mayonnaise

Wham! Smack! Pow!

Kevindo Menendez comes back and hits you like a sonic anchovy.

Where has he been? What has he been up to?

That’s none of your business. What is your business though? I can tell you what your business is. Your business is the new tasty condiment he is bringing out RIGHT NOW.

Do you like bush? Do you like creamy eggs? Then you’re going to love Hedge Mayonnaise! All the great taste of horticultural white mush in a tiny, convenient plastic bottle.

Kevindo Menendez takes only the best eggs, only the greatest green leaves and some other things that go in regular mayonnaise to make his stunningly beautiful Hedge Mayonnaise. It’ll cost you no more than a selection of paper pounds and boy is it worth every tiny penny of your hard-earned schmackeroons.

Eight out of Seven people prefer it to actual food.

Get it now!

Dedication

Dedication. Say it out loud because you won’t be hearing much of that word for much longer. Why? Because dedication has a new name and that name is Christopher James Marshall.

Lunacy is infectious, much like laughter and most Class A drugs. Lunacy is responsible for a lot of things and I expect when they eventually drag me away, kicking and screaming, wrapped in a My Little Pony sleeping bag, it will be something that I try to pin the blame on in the hope they’ll let me go. When it comes to a lot of my nonsense it’s about 50/50 as to whether anyone else will join in. Some of it is too much, even for me, so I fully understand when people choose to ignore and carry on with their lives. For instance, this morning I was thinking about Loudermilk (again), an old animal’s home for all of Bob Ross’ woodland creature friends and Korean Karaoke (because it sounds nice).

Occasionally though the baton will be picked up and well and truly ran all the way to the finishing line. That baton was a petition to reinstate Monty Don back in the band Beats International. Even though none of that sentence makes sense in the real world, Chris took that petition and got it fully signed.

Two hundred and eleven individual signatures. Two hundred and eleven people. People may scoff that our generation never amounted to anything but I will wave this petition in their faces to prove them wrong. What an achievement. What a level of dedication unheard of in this day and age. So based on this and this alone, the word ‘dedication’ should be replaced with ‘Chris Marshall’.

What a level of Chris Marshall unheard of in this day and age.

You heard me.

Sport: know the risks

It’s coming home, apparently. That much is now received wisdom. But what does this mean for you? Please read and memorise this important guide for your own safety.

Beans Laboratories have conducted a range of scientific tests* on Sport and have raised the Sport Threat Level to “Steady On”, its highest level since the 2012 Limpety Pinpicks.

This means that there is an exceptionally high risk of sport infiltrating your life. Already cases have emerged of Beans delegates participating in sporting activities that are gravely out of character.

Mr. Kevindo Menendez has been observed viewing a World Football Cup Soccer Match on his widescreen television. During this period of time he also verbally expressed interest in the score and outcome of the match.
Mr. Christopher 5156 has made social media posts claiming to have physically attended a “Tea Twenty County Cricket Tournament Game”, in which he alleged that he found the experience enjoyable.

These horrifying stories may not be isolated incidents – it is possible that further Sport contamination has taken place which has not yet been reported to the proper authorities. You are strongly advised to be on your guard against all types of sporting activity; to avoid listening to any music recorded by the Lightning Seeds between 1994 and 2000 (note that this renders their debut album “Sense” technically safe to listen to, though the track “Life of Riley” may remain hazardous due to its continued use for football compilation sequences on TV); to avoid all balls and ball-shaped objects, including oranges, onions, apples, bapples, but not Papples; and to remain indoors as much as possible.

* Scientific tests included dipping Sport in potassium chloride, whizzing it around in one of those spinny centrifuge machines you see scientists using on TV, and setting fire to it.

Pouring
Beans

Month: July 2018