Bean Grab – Jan 2020!Look everyone, look over there…
Just there, you see that green bit, yeah, just behind that… no left a bit.
Haha, whilst you’re all looking over there I’m sneaking off to Chris’ statistical bean cupboard and pinching one. What are you going to do? You’re off looking at that thing over there.
Got one!
Whats that? You cant see it? Keep looking… Yeah just behind that bush….
Suckers.
Episode 13: IvyEpisodes is back with another cracking example. Yes, I know its been fucking ages, but what are you going to do about it?
This time out we ponder the evergreen topic of Ivy, specifically:
Crab out of controlIf you’re like me, and you sometimes remember things, and you find that remembering things is fun, then you might remember that about five years ago I took a crab mug in to work and announced this tremendous news with the blog post crab in control, which to this day is often quoted by students of the language as one of the greatest works of literature composed so far this century.
Last month I brought the crab home for a deep clean, because the kitchen at work is minging. Its annual overhaul revealed the crab mug to be in a dreadful state. Its current situation is illustrated in these three damning pictures.
Given this irreversible damage, the crab has now regrettably been retired from active service and is now at the back of the mug cupboard here in Royksopp.
In its place, I have procured four new yellow mugs that I can use interchangeably and bring home more often to clean, on the basis that this is more hygienic, scouring pads will be unnecessary and I like yellow things.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the crab for five years of diligent and faithful service, and wish it well in its retirement, by which I mean an extended period in the cupboard where it doesnt get used much because it’s gone all brown inside. Thank you.
Valentine’s Day Done RightValentine’s Day is on the horizon and you are going to get smothered in smushy, awful paraphernalia whether you like it or not. As a single man I remain immune to the charms of it (which is a mantra I repeat to myself when I’m crying into my cornflakes) but there are others who will have to fall in line. When I say fall in line I mean buy as many presents as possible for your significant other. I know what you’re thinking though, there is something missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it. There’s a romantic meal for two waiting in the wings yet you still haven’t found the right thing to finish it off.
What you need is something to seal that deal in that wigwam, you know the one I’m referring to. How do you tart that three course menu up in a timely manner without breaking the bank? You need Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.
‘Love Baubles‘
Hand-crafted from the most sensuous part of the pig, the eyelids, Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles are what are missing from your Valentine’s Day; a dozen mouth-watering spheres of sweaty, meaty goodness generously licked with the mystery of our seventeen individual spices. Guaranteed to lighten and brighten up the most abysmal of romantic meals, you can prepare them any way you like.
‘Love Baubles’
With one or two of these in their mouth, your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or significant other won’t be tempted to break up with you. He or she won’t believe the taste sensation going down his or her throat. It is the perfect aphrodisiac to put everyone, and I do mean everyone, in the mood for love.
‘Love Baubles’
You will be the king or queen of the love ball. Your partner will rescind into sexual bliss. Crack off a couple of these and you won’t need those petrol station flowers you were planning to buy at the last minute. Do us all a favour and purchase Kevindo Menendez’s Love Baubles.
‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’ ‘Love Baubles’
Fill up your trolleys and your stomachs. It’s got the Kevindo Menendez guarantee! Available in both the freezer and seasonal aisles at all good local supermarkets.
Patch StarsIn response to a recent confusion as to who was the female singer with the eye-patch, I decided to see how other pop stars would look like with an eye-patch.
This week we take a look at Lisa Stansfield:
You can tell it’s Lisa Stansfield because of the beauty spot and the obligatory curls in the hair. The front cover of the album ‘Affliction’ was already in black and white, and with the additional hat and ringlets it does make her look more like a pirate. Significantly more than Gabrielle ever did.
I didn’t colour her shirt in because that would have been too much dark and shade. She does look a bit like a ghost.
If you’ve ever wanted to know what Mancunian music pixie Lisa Stansfield would look like with only one eye then wonder no more.
I did try to upload this as a .pdf document but I was denied, DENIED, as though I was common riff raff trying to find enough change for a loaf of bread.
Pointless purchase of the month: Chris editionNormally when we take a look at pointless purchases, it’s Ian who’s been pointlessly purchasing things, and I’m one of the smug onlookers who gets to decide whether to just feel superior or whether to mix the feeling of superiority with a bit of heckling. Today’s different. Today it’s me that’s spent my hard-earned London pounds on something useless.
Here we are, then. Thanks to the fan club mailing list, I offloaded some cash to pre-order this highly collectible limited edition picture disc vinyl of Flood, They Might Be Giants’ biggest album, which has been released to mark its 30th anniversary. It turned up in the post this week.
The B-side has frames from the music video for “Birdhouse in Your Soul” on it, so when you play the record it animates.
This purchase is particularly pointless because I do not have a record player. I cannot play this record. Nor do I need to; I’ve got Flood in my iTunes library and have had it for years. This is just for me to look at. I might even frame it.
Also, it’s yellow. I like yellow things.
Spoon AmnestyThis is an appeal by me on behalf of me.
As you are all (?) probably aware of by now, I have moved into my own place and whilst this is the best thing that has happened to me for absolutely ages it has meant a bit of a wake up call. No longer are all the THINGS at my disposal that most people take for granted. Occasionally I go to look for something and remember that I don’t have it, or it’s on the list to be gotten in the near future.
Gradually, I am getting there but there is something quite shocking that I need to bring to your attention. I need spoons.
You may laugh however I am in dire straits. Kev’s wife’s mother (tenuous link at the best of times) only gave me 34 spoons when I first moved in. When I asked for more they looked at me and laughed, like a set of common goons. I pleaded, begged for anything else they could give me. When they told me no I excused myself and snuck through into the kitchen in the hope of pilfering some of theirs. The drawers were locked though; no more spoons for me.
When Emma visited the flat she bought me a couple of items for moving in, one of which was a cutlery set. This very lovely yet very basic package only had 4 teaspoons and 4 tablespoons. I told her it wasn’t enough, that more were needed and she looked at me as though I was a crazed hermit, picking up empty tins in the hope of finding money. When I ordered her to take a taxi to the nearest late-night spoon vendor she pretended to take a phone call and hurried away.
Daily deliveries of spoons are coming in. It’s not enough though, I need more. More than more. If there is a bigger value than more then that is what I need. I went door to door, asking for more, from my new neighbours. Most of them slammed the doors in my face. “No spoons today”, they announced before giving me a face full of wood. Shocking to say the least.
Please, if you have any measure of kindness in your bare bones, give me all the god damn spoons you have right now. In your pockets, in your drawers, at your parents’ house, I don’t care how you get them but hand or send them to me before I run out. Who knows what will happen when I’m left spoonless, a mere shell of a man eating cereal with a fork
Ian’s horoscopeIt took him long enough, and I had to ask virtually every day, but Ian has now finally told me his star sign. So now, just in time for the new year, I can give him his horoscope for 2020.
Your love of cake motivates you to accomplish up to three things this year!
Motto: if you can reach it, you can make it sticky.
King, the god of love and pride, is your ruler and as he starts the year out in Aquarius, your mind opens to new ideas and new sexual positions. A new postman will visit your house between November and December, when your focus will be to make intimate connections to something larger than yourself, like a Volkswagen Passat or a Nisa-branded newsagent.
Venus enters your sign in early March for about three weeks. Pleasure and passion will combine to help you enjoy the finer things in life. The one retrograde period is from mid-May to end of June, during Venus’s trip through Gemini, causing you to ponder the benefits of online dating. While you have a high ratio of kissing within lips, it’s interesting to consider the alternatives.
Uranus, the planet of innuendo, will be ramping your sign all year, causing upheaval. Your outgoing, annoying personality is backed by your power planet, Jupiter. That means your good luck is directly tied to your arms this year, ensuring that you make your own luck by working hard and actively shaping your own future, perhaps by drawing it or even by acting out your desires as charades when you think nobody is looking.
You’re ready to work hard for the pleasures life has to offer – you will get particular joy this year from hot, salty chips, walking the wrong way on an escalator and free online pornography. You don’t have to apologize for that, unless you try to enjoy all three at the same time.
Your senses are awakened, and you will consider launching your own range of salad dressings.
Winning is your main objective and you can be a sore loser. The sun visits your sign in the spring, but hates you and doesn’t stay for long. Frustrated, you will destroy anything in your path, ramming your way toward achieving your goals. Anyone who stands in your way now will get decked.
The B&M Home Stores sale, from early October to mid-November, helps you reawaken your underlying fire and understand why you’ve been running out of basic toiletries so often. Embrace opportunities for spiritual healing now.