Month: February 2023

Avatar Four Word Reviews: Funky Dory

You know how, occasionally, something you’ve never experienced before is somehow just what you expected? That is how I felt when Rachel Stevens’ debut solo album, Funky Dory, went into my CD player. I more or less remembered the lead single, Sweet Dreams My LA Ex, but apart from that the main thing I knew is that it was a solo album from the best one out of S Club 7. Rachel Stevens evidently wanted to sound a bit more grown up now that she had thrown off the shackles of the other S Club 6, and it was 2003. Put those things together and you’ve got exactly what this sounds like.

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Avatar A terrible goodbye

I don’t check the undertaker’s window very often, which means I don’t really keep myself abreast of all the latest undertaking fashions. That’s on me. It’s my problem and I’m doing what I can to address it.

Recently I paused at the window of an undertaker in Petersfield – a wealthy market town in the Hampshire countryside, so not exactly the haunt of the trashy or the tasteless. I expected that what I’d see through the window would all be sombre and reverent. But no: undertaking fashions have moved on, and I have been left behind. It turns out that even in the deeply traditional home counties countryside, picture coffins are now a thing. They had a window full of them.

Cardboard picture coffins.

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Avatar Emergency bean grab warning

I don’t want anyone to be alarmed by what is about to happen.

Several terrible things have happened lately, you see. One is that I haven’t been able to review the album Funky Dory by Rachel Stevens because the only CD player in the house is a portable drive that connects to my laptop by USB, and my laptop is from the future so its USB ports are all the wrong shape, and I have somehow managed to lose all the adapters I ever owned. Some new adapters arrived yesterday.

Another terrible thing was waking up this morning, looking at the calendar, and realising that February only has 28 days. I thought it was probably around the 22nd anyway, which it isn’t, but the shortness of the month leaves me with only today to make another three posts if I’m going to maintain my years-long streak of full bean counts.

Anyway, this post is here to give you fair warning that it’s going to be a bumpy ride today, with new posts landing on a very tight schedule as I try to hit the full four posts for this month. (This post is also here to count as one of the four.) Good luck everybody.

Avatar Please note

Hello patrons of Willie’s Blazin’ Wagons Wild West restaurant (Crewe).

Thank you for taking the time to read this notice. It means a lot to all of us.

You may or may not be aware that we have recently had a refurbishment and changed certain parts of the restaurant to fit the aesthetic more. Such a change has not occurred since the first Blazin’ Wagons restaurant opened in Wrexham in 1987.

The toilets are now unisex so you don’t need to decide between ‘partdners’ and ‘partdnistas’. All doors are now saloon doors for that authentic Western look. Originally we had a salad bar although that did not seem special enough so this was upgraded to a brand new Salad Wagon(TM). Sadly there was a mistake made at the printing company which was not picked up by an employee until three days later after it had already been out on the restaurant floor.

If you have seen or heard any references to a ‘Slaggon’ then please disregard these and cast them from your mind. The ‘Slaggon’ does not exist, and if it does, it is not what you think it is.

We have had repeated phone calls from both men and women for their respective stag and hen do’s to engage with the ‘Slaggon’ and we have had to be firm on the matter. We therefore reiterate the following:

  • You cannot hire the ‘Slaggon’.
  • You cannot ride the ‘Slaggon’.
  • You are unable to take the Slaggon out to your uncle’s pub, which is only a few miles away, and return it before the sun rises.

The sign has since been replaced and yet we are still subjected to numerous requests. Please, we are a respective family business and do not desire this level of unwanted attention. Management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone who cannot take the hint. We trust this is satisfactory and hope you enjoy your time at Willie’s Blazin’ Wagons Wild West (Crewe) restaurant.

Avatar Zumbadvert

Recently these little posters have been popping up at traffic lights near where I live.

I am baffled by them. How does this work? Zumba “from £2”?

“Hello, yes, I’d like two pounds’ worth of zumba please”

Avatar Work in Progress

Back in August 2022 which was, according to the calendar, a whopping six years ago (it may be broken, I’m waiting for an appointment with the calendar technician), I said that I would draw Chris as a business balloon floating over Europe, ready to administer some kind of business thing to the people of abroad. They are his neighbours after all.

During my brief foray into insurance, I started a doodle inside my notebook and never finished it. It wasn’t a good doodle and it’s unfinished so really it’s a big pile of nothing. As this website thrives on big piles of nothing, however, I decided to display it for everyone to see.

Look at my big pile of nothing:

Big no’ thang

You will note the subtle brushstrokes around Chris’ balloon body as well as the gleeful look on his viso / volto. I thought it would be best to show him as a friendly business balloon rather than some kind of harbinger of doom, dropping acquisitions and harsh takeovers like they were Tic Tacs. The people of Europe, possibly the Netherlandians of the Netherlands given their close proximity to the UK and how I’ve drawn the coastline, are happy to see Chris, delighted even. What he’s bringing is right up their street and they can’t wait for him to unload the goods.

Don’t feel sorry for the man (?) whose body is missing; I will draw it at some point so that he can jump for joy and join in with the rest of the citizens. What does that blank, daunting landscape hold? Are there any houses in the Netherlands? Will they need to shoot him down or can Chris release the air himself and gently float into their lives? What exactly is Chris transporting all those miles?

There are too many questions so, please, refrain from asking any until the final masterpiece has been completed.

Avatar Minutes from a Meeting

Meeting held on the evening of Monday 6 February.

Those present: Kevin Hill, Christopher Marshall and Ian McIver.

It was decided that the British Mash Council (or BMC) would be formally appointed in lieu of the existence of one.

Kevin Hill (KH) decided that Chris Marshall (CM) would be in charge of historical preservation of mash, historical important of mash and everything associated with these. KH also decided that Ian McIver (IM) would be in charge of croquettes.

KH said that CM should go to London, given that he is the closest geographically, to ask for money from either the PM or the Treasury to fund the BMC. CM offered no resistance to this and seemed on board with the idea.

IM then announced that all the money should be “poured into croquettes”. General acceptance all round although KH specified that some of the budget should be kept back for other projects.

CM asked about whether recipes that incorporate mash but were not mash-centric should be focused on. KH decided that it would involve too many other governmental departments and thus only primary mash food should be championed. CM mentioned classic mash dishes such as ‘Bubble and Squeak’ and ‘Colcannon’. KH misheard the latter and asked what a dove cannon was.

CM asked about the museum that was being discussed and whether it should include statues of celebrities made out of mash. All members were in favour. In addition to Winston Churchill and his glorious beard of mash, the following other people were mentioned: Paddy Mashdown (CM), Richard Mashcroft (CM), Mashley Cole (IM), Mike Mashley (KH) and Jayne Middlemiss (IM). Costs and expenses not discussed. Also possible crossover event with Mash vs The Evil Dead (even though it was cancelled after three seasons).

Dove cannons are to be used at all mash events except ones in small rooms where firing doves into the walls will end with calamity and death.

Mashvertising is to be brought back in full force. The importance of mash needs to be re-introduced back into the homes of Great Britain after being in abeyance for so long. IM asked what the thoughts were of seminal kids’ programme ‘Bodger and Badger’, unanimous approval from all members. It was then motioned that they would be used in the mashvertising promotions… until it was discovered that the actor who played Bodger had sadly passed away in 2017. A new face will need to be sought and daughter of Bodger (“Bodge daught”) may be a prospect. To be discussed at a future meeting.

General mash talk occurred for several minutes.

Next meeting was agreed for Thursday 16 March.