Month: October 2024

Avatar Gooseboost

Good morning and welcome to this week’s edition of Gooseboost, reporting on all the goose-based news in your area and a little bit more elsewhere. I’m your host, Bruce “The Goose” Winterburn.

The headlines:

  • New shade of dark orange paint colour renamed ‘Boss goose’ after tense voting process over the weekend
  • Kentucky restaurant’s popular ‘Geese Feast’ menu item dropped to $14.99 for the whole of October
  • Hysterical goose celebrity impersonater Dwayne ‘The Flock’ Johnson set to dazzle at 2024 HSJ awards next month

The top story today though involves locked doors, unsightly men and a gaggle of the most unusual guards you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

A prison in South America decided to change from guards dogs to guard geese in a switch that has sent most people into a flap.

Since December last year, a group of geese have been patrolling the perimeter of the Sao Pedro de Alcantara prison in Brazil’s southern state of Santa Catarina. The honking hoodlums dubbed “geese agents” are in charge of patrolling the green space between the prison’s inside fence and main outer wall. The staff of the prison remain convinced that the vigilance of the waterfowl species of bird is what makes them excellent guard animals and continue to use them in lieu of the more traditional canines.

This follows on from our May editorial, ‘Geese, please! Are they really that bad?’ where we set out to debunk some of the common misconceptions of the common goose. It is all to do with how territorial they are, especially when protecting the young. It’s very rare that humans will be attacked, but it can happen. They are capable of causing serious injury by biting or smacking you with their marvellously strong wings. A serious injury is not always guaranteed, it depends what kind of day they’re having. If you catch one on a Monday before they’ve had their morning coffee then you may want to get ahead and phone in sick at work.

If a prison is using geese to keep prisoners in line then surely it’s only a matter of time before they’re wheeled out for use in the police force. Expect CCTV footage from future Saturday night scraps in city centres around the UK to feature both man and beak. You have been warned.

Avatar Log burner controversy

The modern world is one of tolerance and equality, of partnerships and collaboration, and of diversity and open-mindedness. It is a world that many have come to loathe given how different it seems from the pre-twentieth century landscape we all grew up in. I personally am still in two minds about whether it’s gotten better or worse because if I was to side with the latter then I would be throwing myself into the great rubbish tip of cancellation. If I pine for the days of cheap petrol, lad culture and “cool Britannia” (bleugh!) from the 1990s then surely I’m a racist?

Well, no, I wouldn’t be because that’s bonkers but you have to be careful as to what you say and do, especially here on the internet. One false word and my reputation (?) would be in tatters. Consider me? Consider me not, thank you. All this cancellation culture comes from a lack of tolerance, but what I will not tolerate is blatant sexism of the highest order masquerading as a cosy forum for people to interact in.

Recently Vikki was, presumably, looking up things to do with log burners what with us getting one with the house and winter practically dossing around our respective doorsteps. She happened upon this and sent it to me:

A female only group? Chatting about log burners? One which I am unable to participate in because of my gender? Outrageous! Surely this is a hate crime. If you can’t advertise for gender-specific jobs then you shouldn’t be able to advertise FILTH such as this. I’m sure there are hundreds, nay, thousands of male-only groups where they’re all out there discussing the highs and lows of using a log burner, but I don’t want in on them. I want to see the other side of the coin; I want the female perspective and I can’t because I’m a man.

Am I wrong to want to be part of something that has nothing whatsoever to do with me?

Not at all. Let me in!