Seeing how absurdly easy it’s been for Ian to get his turgid prose published, I’ve secured myself a publishing deal for a book of my own. At first I was just thinking about this as a way to rake in some easy cash, but then it dawned on me that I would need to pick something to write about, because ultimately if you want to publish a book you need to bang out a few thousand words.
In the end Ian was, once again, my inspiration. His forthcoming book on Middlesex inspired me to come up with my own literary masterpiece about this lost county. What better than to marry the former county of Middlesex with the history and wonders of the saxophone?
So, I present to you: Middlesax. Featuring:
- A long and detailed comparison of Baker Street in north London, home of Baker Street station and Sherlock Holmes – which is located in the former county of Middlesex – with the saxophone solo from Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street”.
- Lyrics and score for pop songs arranged specially for the saxophone and rewritten to be about Middlesex, including “Say Harrow Wave Goodbye”, “Edgwarever I Lay My Hat That’s My Home”, and “Sexual Ealing”.
- Pictures of saxophones and saxophonists in front of Middlesex landmarks, including a tenor sax at Enfield Chase and an alto sax half-submerged in the River Brent. I’m also hoping to get a picture of Kenny G on the steps of Neasden Methodist Church.
- A list of places in Middlesex that can be spelled using only notes that can be played on a Saxophone. (So far I haven’t found any.)
Available now for pre-order from Amazon and all other bookshops, but only within the boundaries of what used to be Middlesex. Buy it now!
24 comments on “Middlesax”
“When I get that feeling I want Sexual Ealing.”
Greatest pun of the year so far! Exceptional work, sir.
Thank you! This post was absolutely more effort than it was worth, so I’m glad something good came of it.
You’ve really knocked it out of the park this month. October is very much my favourite for postings so far this year, primarily based on yours of course.
Mine is the usual mix of incomprehensible guff and nonsense.
Are you saying this post about “Middlesax” is not incomprehensible guff and nonsense?
It makes absolutely perfect sense. Not only do I want a first impression and first edition of the book but I insist they are signed by the author.
I also hope Smidge Manly writes an album about it; it’s been several years since ‘Double Bugger’ and I’m still waiting for a follow-up.
I don’t know if Smidge has much time for Middlesex, to be honest. In local government terms, he’s probably more concerned with the historic wapentakes of Yorkshire.
*looks up the word ‘wapentakes’*
*stares blankly at the explanation*
*shrugs* I’m none the wiser…
You could always read it again. That sometimes helps. Smidge likes to read things more than once because he finds it reassuring when he already knows what’s going to happen.
No, that sounds too simple. I’m going to make up my own explanation for the word instead.
Wapentakes – them things that you have in walls that let you go through them without having to go over or under them, the holes that you can *whistles* through to get t’other side.
No, you’re thinking of “doors”. Ask Kev about those. His house as about 4,800 of them.
I read that Kev has more doors than a fisherman has had cold nights. Is that true?
It’s certainly true that Kev has more doors than any fisherman in the United Kingdom, and it’s also true that he’s had cold nights. There’s no clear evidence, however, to say whether Kev has ever Wang Chung tonight.
I’m pretty sure it’s on his Bucket List (and if it’s not then I’ll make sure it is).
Everyone should, at the very least, at least once, just once, Wang Chung tonight. You’ll hate it but it must be done.
I think I’ve already done it. Certainly I have no intention to ever Wang Chung tonight again. And I will take legal action against anyone who tries to make me.
Should… should we break into his house, tie him up and force Kev to Wang Chung tonight?
I’d rather we, as his close friends, did it than if a stranger did.
You two have done enough sneaking into my residences to see my wang. Stop it.
God, everything comes back to you and your penis doesn’t it? There are more to things in this grim life you know, Kev. In fact you bring it up so often it does make me wonder if you planned the whole thing. Perv.
I would like it to be a matter of public record that my only interest, in sneaking in to Kev’s weird Liberace bedroom, was to bring him tea and then set on one of the dozens of weird chairs situated at odd angles against the walls.
Yeah. What he said. I was trying to spook a friend on my stag do, you know, japes and everything. I did not ask to add wang to my weekend.
I forgot that the weekend we helped Chris move house in a Van of Anger™ was your stag do. Whatever happened to the wedding? All I remember you saying is “Leave it to me, I’ve got this”.
Exactly. You left it, because I had it, and it happened. That’s what a wedding is all about, Kev.
When you meet that special someone you’ll understand.
I’m just happy to have been a part of Ian’s special day.
You were. One day there will be songs sung about it.
“The Van of Anger”
“Ian’s Big Day”
“Accidentally walking in on a wake in the local pub (like a boss)”
All the greats.