It’s been revealed today that Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver, a high class civil servant from Newcastle, has become the first person to be 40.
For years now, scientists have theorised that a person might be able to become 40, but nobody in human history had ever actually managed it. Now, a number of papers in leading medical journals are beginning to explore the genetic mutations that might have made this feat possible.
Speaking at a Sherry and Fortified Wine Symposium in Washington DC, US President Joe Biden – who has been 39 for more than 42 years – congratulated Mr McIver on his remarkable achievement. “If this guy can do it, perhaps we all can,” mumbled Biden, whose speech was becoming indistinct after several hours tasting samples of port.
While almost 40% of the world’s population are now aged 39, there is great trepidation about what the leap to 40 might mean. Sir David Attenborough, now aged 39 and 696 months, speculated that those reaching the new age might find themselves pushing onward to 41 or even 42 in the years that followed. “It could be a slippery slope,” he told reporters outside his local LaserQuest, “like the ones penguins slide down.”
Two fearless volunteers are said to have signed up to follow in McIver’s pioneering footsteps, but safety is paramount and their steps forward into the world of 40 will be taken slowly. Criss Crimz, 39, and Kevindo Menendez, 39, are both expected to become 40 under controlled lab conditions during the next year. Scientists will be monitoring their progress carefully.
In the meantime, Mr. McIver’s feat does not seem to have fazed him, nor does his unprecedented old age seem to have dulled his lively air of self-importance. At a press conference yesterday, he pushed aside the lead researcher, who had been explaining early findings about his condition to the world’s press, grabbing the microphone and climbing atop the lectern to shout “I was first!!!!” to the assembled crowd.
“I’m all about the wins,” he continued, “winning at life. Absolute cog pipes, I’m gonna win ’em all!”
Security personnel removed him from the auditorium at this point, but as he was bundled out of the door, McIver could be heard to shout “It’s OK, soon you’ll get the chance to win, but not right now – because I’m winning!”
McIver’s whereabouts are not known since his removal from the press conference.
6 comments on “Forty first”
I was there and all of this is true. I thought that most of it had been vetoed and paid off by Big Dave but clearly you could not be bought. I hope you’re happy.
Happy? I’m delighted.
Yes, it’s all true. They tried to cover it up but the world needs to know what happened. Especially the bit where you shouted “cog pipes”, which I find inexplicably funny.
It’s good to know that even at 40 I still have the ability to say something that means absolutely nothing yet can still tickle the ole’ humour pipes.
Humour pipes, cog pipes. You’ve got all the pipes. I guess that’s what happens when you turn 40. It’s suddenly pipes all the way.
Not a day goes by without me and my pipes changing someone’s life.
With pipes.
I haven’t been the same since one of your pipes came ramming through the living room wall and its nozzle started unexpectedly pumping raw emotion into my life.
Pipes.