They say that dogs look like their owners. But this is plainly not true, because our dog is ginger and does not have a dark coloured beard. Though she does have impressive eyebrows, so at least in that regard we match.
Anyway. Now that I go wandering with the dog on a regular basis I am learning the ways of the dog walkers. You see other people with dogs all the time and it’s not often the dogs and their owners look alike, but they do come in certain easily identified types.
Here are the categories I would put basically all dog owners into.
| Retired lady with pampered pooch | These are the politest people and they will always stop and chat, sometimes even if you don’t want to, and will need to know what your dog is called and what breed she is. Their dog will be a beautifully manicured poodle crossbreed called Lucy who has a bow on her pink collar. |
| Young couple with overexcited livewire | They are very much in love but they aren’t ready for kids yet, so they got a Labrador cross which is bounding around the place like it’s made of springs. They tell you he’s only young and he’ll calm down when he grows up but he never will. One such couple I met a while back had a boisterous dachshund rather than a Labrador, and it was called Simon. |
| Middle aged lady with any number of greyhounds | The lady is wearing a gilet and a floral headscarf. She won’t stop to chat but she will say something formal and upper crust like “good morning to you!” as she strides past. She has at least two greyhounds or whippets and they too are wearing gilets. |
| Stressed dog walker with pack on the brink of rioting | She is about 30 and she does this part time. She is wearing a sleeveless puffer jacket and has several full poo bags hanging off her belt. She has five dogs of wildly different sizes and temperaments straining at five leads, and another three or four random hounds running around in the trees nearby. She cannot remember their names and if one of them runs away she has no hope of getting it back. |
| Skinhead bloke with terrifying attack dog | He is wearing very big steel toecap boots and at least one garment made of leather. His dog is a German Shepherd, or anything else that has the pointy ears of a purebred predator, and is called Zeus. He will not say hello back and he will watch silently and from a distance as his dog stalks other people’s dogs and also any small children nearby. |
| Large middle aged man with tiny ball of aggression | This man is perhaps 50 and is walking the improbably tiny lapdog that can only have been chosen by his wife. His wife does not walk the dog because it has not been trained and is uncontrollable. He will make a half-hearted apology as his nasty little pet snarls, growls and barks at your dog and pulls at its lead in an attempt to start a fight. |
| Tweedy country types with indeterminate number of border collies | A greying middle aged couple who are wearing tweed, flat caps and Barbour jackets. They might not be landed gentry but they definitely support fox hunting. They will say hello to you because they were bred to have manners but they would have nothing to say to someone of your social standing if you ever tried to make conversation. Their dogs are beautiful but have no interest in you and will walk past like you don’t exist. |
| Lonely old man with waddling mongrel | Do not engage the man in conversation. He is perfectly nice but you will be there for three quarters of an hour hearing his life story while his peculiar little dog with a stubby tail and a greying muzzle tries to have a wee on your leg. |
| Distracted mum with toddler, pushchair and feral spaniel | It is not clear why this family decided to get a dog at the same time as having several small children, and it is plainly making their life more difficult and chaotic than it needs to be, but it’s too late now because that’s what they’ve got. Dad is at work so mum is taking all of them for a walk. The dog is nice but not very well trained and is basically walking itself. |
| Handsome middle class professional with excellent ginger dog | I realised at the end of the list that I didn’t fit into any of the above categories, so it stands to reason that there must be one more that is suitable for someone like me. |
4 comments on “Canine category catalogue”
I don’t think I fit into any of these. Can you add a category along the lines of cheery hobo-looking goofball?
Good plan.
Cheery hobo-looking goofball
This man looks nice but you’re unsure how to interact with him as you pass. He will probably be extremely friendly, but his shambling appearance means that once in a while you’ll find one who ignores you because he’s got his headphones in, listening to something obscure, and even if he could hear you he’d ignore you on the basis of your inferior music choices.
It me! Thanks mate. Now I feel part of something and I am part of the massive classification of doggo walkos.
I don’t, and never will own a dog. Is there room in this list for a chap like me?