This week I hit crisis point. Not financially or emotionally, you understand. I’m solvent and in general life is good. No, it was more important than that. I ran out of all bookshelf space.
Author: Criss Crimz
Trekkin’ Abroad: Futuristic Edition
Tomorrow morning I set sail for Greece. But what do we know of this far-off land of mystery? Until recently, perhaps only that everyone there was a god and they eat a lot of yogurt. But now it’s all over the news. Just look at some of these recent headlines:
- Greece Is In A Right Old State (The Telegraph, 28 June 2015)
- No Money Left In Greece At All (The Mirror, 30 June 2015)
- Official Greek Currency Now Yogurt (Financial Times, 2 July 2015)
With this in mind, I have taken the latest Foreign Office advice and will be taking all the money I will need in the form of cold, hard cash, in a range of denominations and currencies. In the event that the Euro is scrapped and Greece returns to the Drachma, I have spent several evenings drawing my own Drachma notes and will be taking those with me. I am also taking a considerable amount of yogurt in the hopes that I can use it to barter for basic goods and services.
I’m not sure whether this approach will be enough to see me through a holiday or even if I will actually survive the trip, but I will attempt to keep you updated when I return as to whether I am still alive or whether I have been confiscated by the Bank of Greece as a hostage due to the deteriorating state of negotiations with the European Union.
Boat memories
Recently my family and I went on a ride on a boat. It was a magical journey, on a bright sunny day, full of thrilling golden memories.
I took lots of pictures on the boat ride and in this post I am going to share all of them with you so that you can relive this amazing experience with me.
New words added to dictionary
Every year we see in the news the list of the latest words that have been officially added to the Oxford English Dictionary. 2015 is no different, and in the last few days it’s been announced that the following all-too-familiar slang terms have finally made it into the English language.
sixwide (adj.)
Indicative of something which is not favoured or fashionable. Derived from the fact that Lego vehicles four studs wide are inherently better than those that are six studs wide. sixwider; sixwidest; sixwiddity. Opp: fourwide.
minwah (n.)
A unit of time equal to one earth minute.
totoro (adj.)
Descriptive of a state of completion or finality. When something is completely over and the matter is closed, it is totoro. Originally a contraction of the familiar phrase totally totally Romeo which is self-explanatory.
ramp (v.)
To copulate; to sex; to sire; to tup. Ramping refers to the most intimate act between two creatures and is usually employed to refer to the act being conducted either between animals or in the manner of animals. Generally any successful act is referred to as ramping [sthg] dry, e.g. “I totally ramped the hockey team dry”.
Quiet Beans
There hasn’t been much going on during June here at the Beans. Where is everyone? We’ve sent our roving reporter to find out.
Object of the Year
Can you believe it’s that time of year again? The live final of Object of the Year is upon us again, and the finalists are going to the public vote.
The two finalists have worked hard and I don’t think anyone would deny that they both deserve their place in the final.
On the left: the flask. Shiny, smooth, tall and well-insulated, it’s not just highly entertaining, it also seems to embody something indefinable about England.
On the right: the boots. Their tactile suede surface and shiny zips make them the showy one of the pair. They’re always seen together and their tapdancing duets are truly remarkable.
So – it’s that time – cast your vote now!
Call 0898 000 000 000 1 to vote for the flask.
Call 0898 000 000 000 2 to vote for the boots.
Calls may be recorded and monitored for training purposes. Each call will cost one third of your weekly gross income. Ask for permission from your local council before calling. All British Citizens must vote.
A small but gratifying observation
It has been said, somewhat unkindly, that the EP recently released by The Rapples does not represent the pinnacle of rap music and that, in fact, The Rapples may have tossed it off without much attention paid to either lyrical content (cf. Quick Go), ability to rap (cf. Crash and Burn) or, indeed, bothering to rap at all (cf. Toot Toot Beep Beep).
But these criticisms surely all come to nothing when you realise that one of the songs considered vital to the establishment of rap as a musical form is Rapture by Blondie. The nonsensical, barely rhythmic chatter in that song, masquerading as rap, about an alien that eats cars, is apparently not just legitimate rap but is a classic of the genre.
The Rapples can surely rest easy knowing that, at the absolute minimum, everything on “Space for an Ace” is vastly superior to that.
Album art
The music press has been very excited lately about rumours that The Papples have been working on a side project with their occasional collaborator Kevil – fans will, of course, know him as co-creator of “Dirty Chips”, the top selling track on their last album.
It looks like those rumours were true as news emerges of the formation of a supergroup called The Rapples. They are describing themselves as an urban music collective, set to “revolutionise rap in the same way the Papples have revolutionised pop music”. Their debut EP is due out soon. It’s not yet clear whether legendary producer Nizzle will also be involved.
Details of the track listing and any possible live dates are still firmly under wraps, but Pouring Beans has been granted an exclusive look at the album art, and we can also reveal the title of the EP is to be “Space for an Ace”.
Obviously we’ll bring you more news as this thrilling story develops.