Author: Criss Crimz

Avatar Week Of The Week: 12-18 October 1975

Back when the New Beans was first envisioned, a solemn pledge was made that we were turning over a new leaf, and that our running jokes of the past would remain there, like fossils in a layer of sediment, under our feet and informing our history but never again to walk the earth.

But some things will not roll over and give in. Some things are stronger than pledges. One such thing is the Week Of The Week, which you, the adoring Beans Fans, have been clamouring to see returned to our hallowed pages ever since we restarted this shizbang. So, here we are at last: a brand new Week Of The Week.

12-18 October 1975

Sunday 12 October 1975
A new women’s marathon world record was set by Jacqueline Hansen, a very fast lady who used her legs to finish a marathon in 2 hours, 38 minutes and 19 seconds.

Monday 13 October 1975
5000 marchers arrive at the New Zealand Parliament, presenting a petition signed by 60,000 people demanding an end to the sale of Maori land.

Tuesday 14 October 1975
Shaznay Lewis, who would go on to be a member of All Saints, is born in London.

Wednesday 15 October 1975
Volume 36, issue 1 of the journal Chemical Physics Letters is published, featuring an interesting article on the interference effects in large angle elastic scattering of chemically reactive systems.

Thursday 16 October 1975
The footballer Hugh Adcock dies. He played for England five times, scoring one goal.

Friday 17 October 1975
The United States Supreme Court voted 7-1 to not assign any decisions to Justice William O. Douglas, who was unwell, after he had been observed falling asleep during cases.

Saturday 18 October 1975
The JB Priestley Library at the University of Bradford was opened by JB Priestley.

Well, that wraps up another astonishing Week Of The Week. Join us next time when we’ll be uncovering more of the momentous events of yesteryear in… WEEK OF THE WEEK!

(audience applauds wildly)

Avatar Your New Favourite Band: Broken Bells

Welcome to the first instalment of what might become a regular music feature. In Your New Favourite Band we take a look at the people behind one of the latest beat combos in the pop charts. This week, please welcome Broken Bells.

Broken Bells in the darkBrooklyn-based pop combo Broken Bells come from Brooklyn in America. On the left is Thatch Heidelberg (left), who plays moody guitar and taps his foot on one of those mad pedal things that records bits of what you’re doing and then plays them back to make loops, you know, KT Tunstall used to use one when she played live, I wonder what happened to her. Heidelberg wears his anorak zipped up to the top because he feels the cold quite easily.

On the right is Winston Forthwright (right), a stage name for a man some will know by his real name (Winston Forthrite) who enjoyed limited success with a country and western EP back in 2008 titled Oh My Long Lost Darling’s Shoes. Forthwright provides lead vocals for Broken Bells, his soulful high-pitched voice almost inaudible at times except to dogs, and accompanies songs with his giant five-foot tambourine and sometimes the kazoo. He generates a much greater amount of body heat and prefers to wear his coat unbuttoned at the top.

The power behind the throne is the unspoken third member, legendary producer and DJ Nizzle who is responsible for crafting the chart-friendly pop beat sounds of Broken Bells and whose slick production and ear for a top pop number have seen them play some of the biggest stages in Brooklyn, America, where they are from. Nizzle is notoriously reclusive except when playing sold-out Brooklyn club nights and producing seven or eight albums a year, sometimes under his own name and sometimes in collaborations with other artists in outfits like Gnarled Banksy and Thunderkecks.

Broken Bells is his latest exploration of the limits of pop beat combos and, with Forthwright and Heidelberg, he looks set to triumph again.

Avatar Words I Hate, part 3

It’s becoming traditional (come on, we’ve been up and running for three months, so anything that’s been running this long definitely counts as a tradition) for me to wheel out another canister of literary vitriol around the start of the month. And seeing as April is looming up ahead of us I’d better get cracking with… another Word I Hate.

This one is short, because the case can be made very quickly and nobody can argue against it.

Fayre

This word doesn’t even need to exist. We have all the words with this sound and this meaning already: we have fair, meaning an outdoor event or celebration, and we have fare, meaning food and drink and perhaps generous hospitality. Fayre is sometimes used in place of both these perfectly good word by idiots who think it lends their temporary Christmas market or their roast beef serving pub some kind of charming air of tradition and jollity. But it doesn’t do that, any more than calling your newsagent Ye Olde Shoppe gives it medieval heritage. It just makes you an idiot who has called your venture a stupid name for misguided reasons. So stop it. You cretin.

Avatar Missing

MISSING

We are seeking information on the whereabouts of “Kevil”. He is a bit taller than me and has far longer legs, and is characterised by turning up here and posting comments after weeks away just as I finally get round to making my hilarious “missing” poster, which I’m using anyway because I’ve made it now.

If you have any information about this individual please raise your hand.

Avatar Words I Hate, Part 2

It’s March, and time Marches on. Let’s steal a March on it by looking at another Word I Hate.

Knickers

Many undergarments have ordinary-sounding names. Even something intentionally sexy, like a teddy (which is, of course, short for “teddington”) can have an unsexy name. But knickers? Nothing about it suggests something I want to get involved with. Nothing about it says “here is a thing that might attractively adorn a love interest”. It is even worse than “panties”, which frankly sound like a children’s name for pants and which should not be allowed in any romantic context ever.

Knickers starts with a deadly “kn” letter combination, a piece of linguistic showjumping that automatically takes the pleasure out of a word and gives it an ungainly appearance. And after that the rest of the word is all clacking c’s and k’s and a harsh sibilant ending. No smooth sounds here, no silky suggestions of a soft undergarment concealing the downstairs pleasure gardens of a lover or casual acquaintance. No. Just hard noises and an offputting spelling.

Knickers to it, I say.

Avatar Frog and Kitty

Let’s unpack March and screw it together with this important ethical dilemma.

Frog and Kitty are clearly comfortable with their unorthodox relationship. But what’s the basis of this? Does Frog really think Kitty is delicious? Or is there something else going on, something deeper?

Avatar Finally, Equality at the Royal Mail

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For too long, posting letters and other items has been the preserve of the heterosexual. Outdated Victorian rules dictated that homosexual post carried a dangerous residue and it was too risky to allow it into the postal system.

Of course, science disproved that many years ago, and now the Royal Mail are catching up. New Gay Postboxes are springing up everywhere, allowing people of all sexual preferences to enjoy the sending of items nationwide.