Author: Ian “Wolfwood” McIver

Avatar Death of Quirky

It had to happen sooner or later.

Here I am, sleep- deprived, lumbering around like a zombie. The heat isn’t making it any better, neither is having to be up most hours trying to make a baby go back to sleep. I have bruises up and down my legs and arms from accidentally bashing into things. My spacial awareness is at an all time low.

I remember opening up the cupboard door and watching in slow motion as the glass that hadn’t been put back properly left the safety of the shelf and collided with the kitchen floor.

I had been using it almost every day since we got them back for Old Man Kevvers 40th birthday. It’s the perfect size for refreshing juice on a hot day.

No more pint glass for me.

At least I have the memories. Does anyone want to watch me walk into the pub?

Avatar I don’t feel so good

I feel a little off today.

There’s a tightness in my chest. The room keeps spinning and I definitely have a temperature. I need to open a window, hang on.

There. That usually makes me feel better but… but not today.

What is it? What’s making me feel… oh no, I’m gonna need to… quickly someone pass a bucket!

*heaving followed by squelching noises*

Oh. Oh no. What have I done?

Avatar Lil’ Beavers

Are you a lil’ beaver?

Are you looking to learn how to drive but you’re too small to drive a regular car?

Would you like to learn how to drive a car in a safe and beaver-friendly environment?

We would love to see you at Lil’ Beavers Driving School. Call the number and speak to one of our dedicated staff to set your up lessons straight away.

You’ll have a dam good time!

Avatar Phase phrase competition – June (best of the best)

Hello, I must be going.

Until that happens though, let’s have a sift through the wonders of this year. Let’s take a skiffle at the best of the best (so far) when it comes to the efforts of trying to come up with a brand new expression or phrase to add to the world.

What has happened so far? Where have you been? You’ve missed so much. Based on viewer feedback and extensive focus group research, these are the greatest of the gold:

  • Cough it up, wank bread
  • Out of the way, grandad, I’ve got bitches to feed
  • Control Alt Discreet!
  • May angels lead you in and devils drag you out again
  • Fox me up, fox me RIGHT up
  • Leave the beef on the bench

March was the most successful month coming up with a whopping three contenders.

There’s also the added bonus that Kev said THE THING and now it’s his thing because he says it all the time, and we wouldn’t want to upset the lad by telling him he has to give it back. No no, it’s much better to still leave it in the running with a bit of a caveat on the side.

With so much choice, we’re all eating good this season. Let me know if any others take your fancy and whether you’ve started crimsonly using them in polite conversation.

Onwards and upwards!

Avatar Phrase phase competition – May

You don’t need me to tell you what’s what.

You know I swan up with very little fanfare and whip out a couple of blinders. It’s only a matter of time before we go global and, I don’t know, Margot Robbie is having afternoon tea with Timothy Shallamoose and they’re saying our catchphrases between the sandwich and cake course.

Let’s whip up a storm:

  • Shat in a pampers! – it feels good saying it out loud. Try it the next time you accidentally hit your thumb with a hammer
  • You get the lentils, I’ll get the bleach – always use responsibly, to check if someone is actually listening to you
  • Park it where I can see it – possible sitcom zinger, used by sitcom mum to keep sitcom kids in check
  • Claw ’em, core ’em, floor ’em – a personal phrase from the one and only Tad Kensington. It’d take too long to explain it (so see below*)
  • Put your potatoes away, I’m not interested – it depends on the context

Now that we’re almost halfway through the year, next month will be a ‘best of the best’ showcasing all the gold we’ve dug up so far.

I personally can’t wait.

(*When you really want the razzle dazzle for that big presentation, you have to prove to people that you’re really willing to go that extra mile. First up is the clawing, getting your nails into them, showing them who’s boss and that you won’t let go without a fight. Second up is core ’em, strip them bare right down to their very being. Not to humiliate but to unearth what the person really wants. To get right to it and understand what’s going on. Once you’re there, take to the stage to bring it home. Floor them, floor them all so you’ll walk away with a smile and your commission several times over).

Avatar Old tat? Yes please!

How are you for gravel? Got enough?

Are you looking for a beautiful hand-made gift for a loved one?

Are you craving some more bits to fill up your cupboards, drawers and/or shed?

Free and affordable items are few and far between these days. Luckily there are mega chads still out there willing to part with their prized possessions for next to nothing, and sometimes nothing.

My local Facebook group has never let me down. Let me show you some of the treasures that have come up over the last month:

My favourite, by a mile and a half, has the be the one below because it makes me smile so much. I burst out laughing the first time I saw it:

The words, “whatever you see them as” will forever send me into tiny giggles. I’m considering writing them on the wall in the living room; it’s the new ‘live laugh love’.

Take a look at YOUR local Facebook group. Perhaps YOU’LL find something too.