Newsboost – Prevenient Pizza Parlour Perfection

There was cause for celebrations today as it was announced that the first early morning takeaway pizza restaurant will be opening before the end of the month.

‘Pizzas, Pizzas and more Pizzas’ has several branches in the North Wales area, and a new store will be opening just over the border in Chester where the hours will be strictly between 4:00am and 12:00pm. We spoke to the owner, Giovanni DeSouda, about his ideas for a bold new future.

“Pizza is considered to be an evening meal, or at best an indulgence over the lunchtime period. Why can’t you have it any earlier? Who says that pizza must remain outside of breakfast? My top chefs have been working on several recipes to cater for all tastes. What we will be looking at as the expected favourites are the standard all day breakfast, the shreddies and rice crispy delight and the breakfast bar bouquet. As well as this, there will be a mix and match system for those who like to start from scratch, or those with particular tastes.

We are aware that there may still be some takeaways open at the time we will be opening, however they will not be able to offer the kinds of pizzas that we will be making. It is a bit of a risk however based on the figures we have, I believe that we can make it a success!”

The new store will open with a fun-filled family day, beginning at 5:00am with a sack race following by face-painting at 5:30am and ending with a pizza-eating completion around 7:00am.

Reports indicate that most residents in the area will not be attending.

Bad Day

So, after faffing around in the dark for five minutes, I sit down again on the floor and realise I’ve forgotten to get the scissors.

Rewind to five minutes prior to this. At the entrance to the kitchen I forgo turning the lights on, because I’ve lived in the flat over ten years and I know where everything is, and blunder in. In my haste I flap my arms and accidentally knock over the half-filled cup of tea sitting on the side. The tea quickly streams along the kitchen top and filters down through the drawer and the cupboard, before resting peacefully on the floor in a heap. I already feel warm, now my face is positively beaming with embarrassment.

Half an hour prior, Reuben is heading off to bed. As he slips under the covers, I reach over to grab some bags from the floor that need sorting. Something though is amiss; my hands feel wet. I look up and nothing has leaked through the ceiling. “Did you spill your drink?” I ask. “No dad,” he replies. I raise the hand to my nose and sniff. Oh joy, it’s cat piss. The cat has snuck into my room and decided to piss over my stuff, oh, and a brand new pair of school trousers too. Excellent. I’m so glad I had nothing planned for the rest of the evening, now I can put another load of washing to get rid of that oh so beautiful kitty urine aroma. Splendid.

It was not a good day.

Now Look Here

The first thing I want you to know is that, whatever the world may think, we are not judging you.

You may have chosen to leave your seafood sauce out in the hot August sun, why wouldn’t you? It’s your sauce. If your hob isn’t work properly then leaving it outside for nature to warm it up is a great idea. It saves money and is environmentally friendly. We admire what you’re doing and, boy, are we impressed!

The only questionable aspect of this whole affair though is that you may have left it out and forgotten about it, given that the sell-by date was several months ago. Perhaps you forgot where you left it and bought a replacement when you’re stomach started growling. Nobody is pointing fingers. We deal with facts here, not speculation.

We are not talking about you behind your back in hushed tones, far from it. Only, let’s have a little more foresight the next time you decide something is a good idea.

We’re only thinking about you. And your prawn crackers.

Dear Beans… Sandi Shandy Shocking Shenanigans

Dear Beans,

It has been several years now, what feels like decades, since I first encountered the love of my life. I met him quite by accident on a train and he captivated me from the beginning. At first I could not believe that I could fall for such a shambolic, messy, misanthropic miser yet how that changed. Through each encounter the more and more I fell until he was all I could think about.

We met up as often as possible. There was a fair amount of ramping, of course, however it was more than that. The ramping led to so much more, more than can be recounted on a half-baked blogging website such as this.

It ended as most things do, with one of us in tears and the other of stout and firm approach. I just wish he hadn’t wept into my purple tweed suit and blown his nose on my antique blanket. I had to end it because, well, when you’re a well-respected Danish lesbian you cannot be seen frolicking with a member of the opposite sex.

Recently I have been reminiscing about the good times and thoughts of him just keep coming back. Do you have any advice? Any coping mechanisms?

Yours uncannily

Sandi Toksvig

Roll on with the Roll-On

Hey you, yes you, what’s up with you? Why do you smell so bad? It’s summer and you’ve got the sweats real bad. I could smell you from the other side of the room. So could all those other people who have now left because they couldn’t stand the smell.

I don’t mean to be completely judgemental but you need to sort yourself out and pretty quick. What you need is one of Kevindo Menendez’s new roll-ons:

The new range of roll-ons features fragrances and flavours not available on the current market, until now! You could very easily get one that smells like a dirty beach or a dank shower curtain but haven’t you always wanted to smell like a sausage roll? Or a spring roll? Or, for those with a sweet tooth, the confusingly titled roll-on jam roly-on poly-on? Kevindo Menendez has raised the bar when it comes to personal hygiene and you can be part of his roll-on revolution!

Get one now!

The Kevindo Menendez range features the following:

Sausage roll
Spring roll
Salmon spring roll
Jam roly poly
Bread rolls
And many more still to come…

In stores now. Kevindo Menendez; a family company.

Vincent “Hangman” Price

On a recent sojourn in Carlisle, I was browsing the shops like the pavement-walking, job-dodging, gum-chewing cad that I am. In one particularly well-known charity shop I came across this little curio:

I did an actual double take. I looked then had to look again. Is that… was that… THE Vincent Price on the front of a board game?

As it happens it is and I wasn’t just having a fever dream, although the fever dreams I have had never involved old horror movie stars.

This was the 1970’s and it seems as though someone thought it a good idea of turning a game you can play with a piece of paper and a pen for free into a game involving an elaborate piece of plastic and trying to charge punters for the benefit.

I couldn’t bring myself to part with the money just to own this tiny piece of history. Did Vincent Price love Hangman that much or was it all for the big, big, shiny cheque handed to him by MB Games? Who knows. The next time you’re trying to guess what the nine letter word is that has four s’s in, think about Vincent and his “classic American game for two”.

It Had To Happen

Self-fulfilling prophecies; funny, aren’t they? They are the “I told you so” for the individual. For me they do not happen very often but on occasion they creep up to bite me here, there and everywhere. Sometimes all you will do is play through a scenario in your head and think, “that COULD happen, but it WON’T happen.” Why won’t it happen? Because I am a smart, intelligent human being who is capable of great things.

Yes, great things but also deeply, deeply stupid things.

Let me set the scene for everyone; Friday morning, pretty early. I’m awake but not fully awake so I shower and get dressed for work as per usual. Our bathroom has the very helpful location of not being anywhere near natural sunlight so if you need to see things you have to turn the light on. I don’t like this, using any light during the day seems silly, so I do try to avoid using it as much as possible. I stumble into the bathroom to brush my teeth and carry out the rest of my daily routine: brushing hair, applying cologne and finally ending on some sweet, sweet roll-on action.

Yes, Kevin, it is still the 1990’s.

As I finish I put everything away and turn to leave only there is something amiss, something different that shouldn’t be happening. There is a warm sensation tingling under my armpits that wasn’t there before. “Hmmm,” I think, “that’s a bit unusual.” I leave the bathroom and enter the bedroom, the feeling is a bit more potent now, in fact it’s getting hotter and hotter. “What on earth…” and then it hits me. The thing that could happen but won’t happen. The instance that no self-respecting person would ever find themselves in.

When my ankle wasn’t so great I was using some deep heat to help ease the pain. I was lucky enough, rather than a tube, to get one which is similar to a roll-on where you can apply the deep heat quick and easy. This is located next to my usual roll-on; I had decided not to keep them separate, like a smart person, but ensure that they remain very close by.

In the darkness of the bathroom, without the help of someone with a brain, I had applied deep heat to my armpits. I toyed with the idea of just ignoring it however the sheer speed at which it worked forced me to return to the bathroom (lights on this time) and wash it off as much as I could. It took approximately three hours after this for the burning to reach an acceptable level.

Needless to say, this shining example of COULD/WON’T hopefully will inspire others to either avoid this remarkable pitfall or to come forth with their own stories of embarrassment.

Newsboost – Intimacies of Sticky Tape Revealed

Following a six year investigation, scientists at the University of Massachusetts have published an intricate 86 page document revealing all manner of unusual facts and revelations about how modern sticky tape couples behave in the 21st century.

It seem as though the attitudes that were prevalent in the previous century have been forgone for a more dedicated and committed approach. Young couples that were once so loose and uninterested in establishing a long-lasting relationship are now falling over themselves to get together, and once they do the changes of separating the two is practically impossible.

Middle-aged and older couples are also settling down for the future, hoping to wile away long hot summer evenings together over a jug of iced tea.

“When you look at our findings, ” said Chief scientist Barnaby Coleslaw, “There is such an overwhelming sense of enthusiasm for staying together in the sticky tape community. Even though human beings struggle with monogamy, there are rolls and rolls of tape who cannot help themselves; they find the right one and then they never let them go. It is very sweet, and I only wish we can follow their sensational example. When I get a chance to spend less time in the laboratory and more time in the real world, I will hold this study very close to my heart.”

The last study to be carried out on the subject in 1999, by three elephants pretending to be a Volvo, shows the complete opposite and shows just how much the world can change in a short space of time.

A parade celebrating the 65th year of sticky tape independence is due to take place later on this year. Martine McCutcheon is rumoured to be attending.

Pouring
Beans

Author: Ian “Toasty” McIver