Unexpected Visitor

I didn’t post this last month because I didn’t want two cat-related posts in the same month. That would be too excessive.

The doors on my car are wrong. Rather than opening like a normal car some bright spark decided that electric doors, that open like a vehicle from a science fiction series, were a good idea. They’re not, because there are so many problems involved with them.

In any case, I had left the door open for a moment as the weather was nice and I had no particular reason to close it so suddenly. It was only for a few seconds and when I checked back someone had decided that they would like a closer look around the inside:

I sat, mostly motionless, as the cat proceeded to hop into the footwell of the passenger side, then into the back seat, then back to the door again. It sniffed most of the interior, more than I have managed to sniff myself, before looking both ways and disappearing as quickly as it had appeared.

Very strange. Not as strange as coming across an owl in a coffee shop yet still unusual for a Sunday afternoon.

Playdays – The Extended Edition

During the 1990’s children all over the UK were enthralled and entertained by ‘Playdays’, a pre-school television programme by the BBC. I was an addict and I would happily sit and watch as many and as much of it as I could. It was before the days of binge watching, or box set binging. You could say that I was, once again, way ahead of my time. It was short and it had lots of colours and silly people in it. I’m sure there was some sort of lesson or hidden educational agenda tucked away between Dave Benson Phillips and a series of puppets; for me though it just wasn’t getting through.

There was a particular stop for each day, so on Mondays you were treated to the Why Bird Stop, which had a multi-coloured Scouser bird who erm flapped about a bit. On Tuesdays it was the Playground Stop, possibly involving a playground. And so on. The BBC had to keep everything light and fluffy.

Recently a document has been uncovered which reveals another five days worth of stops which were considered but never used during the scheduled programming. Here, in atypical and popular list Beans format, are those alternative stops:

The Ice Cube Stop – rapper Ice Cube lives in a igloo made of ice. He encounters problems as he struggles to cope in a harsh, desolate environment. Sometimes he has to fight a polar bear. Sometimes his food rationing makes him pale and illegible. He raps to pass the time, teaching children about why living so far from human civilisation is such as bad idea.

The Cushion Fortress Stop – Emily built a cushion fortress in the middle of her parent’s house and refuses to take it down. The fortress has stood for 167 days straight, blocking her parents’ view of the television, getting in the way of her brothers trying to study for their GCSEs. Her wacky friend Rodross, a mop with a banana for a nose, sings to her and they learn about wildlife in the back garden, where the fortress is beginning to infringe upon.

The Tiny Shop Stop – Tina and Lloyd run a shop in Cheam, but it’s no ordinary shop. It’s a shop where they only sell really small items such as paper clips, washers and single strands of cous cous. If someone comes in asking for anything bigger than a pen lid they blow the magic horn and Dunlop, a flying burglar, flattens them with a series of heavy rocks.

The Undisclosed Medicine Stop – Woofers, a dog puppet, is the most helpful animal you’ll ever meet. Sometimes he comes across unusual plastic containers on the floor, leftover prescriptions that have been lost by people during their busy lives. Woofers takes the medicine to see what it is, and the children watching get to observe what certain drugs will do to you without any proper intervention.

The Ravi Shankar Stop – it’s a collection of relaxed people sat on futons listening to a full hour of Indian music. People are encouraged to meditate, gaze thoughtfully at the sunrise or just talk quietly in the background. Instruments are scattered around for anyone wanting to join in.

It would have been interesting to see how this week would have panned out. All we are left with is the idea of what could have been. If only the BBC hadn’t cancelled ‘Playdays’ in 1997. Ah Poppy Cat, where are you now?

Dear Beans… Film Theme Face Focus

Dear Beans,

It has recently been brought to my attention that most cinemas in the UK and, indeed, the world only show a selection of the most recent movies committed to celluloid. And that’s as far as they go. There are no plans to stretch beyond this very limited approach to mass exposure, that is until I had a brainwave last night.

What the world needs now is a new kind of cinema. What it needs is for someone to bring something fresh to the table. I think you can see where I am coming from yet for those who still need a massive hint look no further than the next paragraph:

FACE CINEMA

Yes, suck deep and bathe on that. It’s the next logical step up from the ‘face updates’ that have started to appear online. You should not have to settle for just a couple of photos of your face, you should be able to display fully three dimension renderings of your viso/volto for everyone to see for a competitive price. In my vision, the multiplexes of the past are replaced with modern technology, one that is activated using face scans to open doors and serve popcorn. You’ll then walk through the corridors to the main rooms where my huge face hangs above you, a towering man-sized face for you to gawp and view with as many pairs of your eyes as you have.

We can even incorporate special events where people spend ludicrous amounts of money to have their own face displayed for a limited time, but the majority of the time it will be my face that will get all the attention.

I think a cool three mil will be enough to get it started. Can you please pass this around and hand me the hat full of cash over the weekend.

Yours conceivably

James D. Titan
Attorney at Law

Wrong Kittens

So what happens when everything goes right? Everyone is happy? Thrilled that there hasn’t been any problems? Of course that’s what people want. If it goes right then you get an easy life.

What if you wanted more though? What if right was just plain wrong? What if wrong was exactly what you were looking for, then what? Then what indeed. In the absence of a drum roll I present to you…

Wrong Kittens!

I think if things need to go wrong then they should do within a controlled environment. The drawings above are the results of hours and hours of research into the phenomenon of what should be and what actually is. Myself and Professor Reuben took to the old pen and paper to try and explain to the world the concept behind Wrong Kittens.

On the left you will see a rather chunky feline performing a handstand wearing high heels shoes. The gender of the cat is not important, it is more that anyone who tries to perform such a dangerous manoeuvre should not do so adorning delicate footwear. That is wrong.

On the right you will see a much smaller animal with a look that could scare the sheep out of Lincolnshire. It is more like a devil, or some ancient cave painting, depicting a surprised yet potentially evil kitten. Its tongue hangs out carelessly. What is it staring at to the left of the picture? It’s much more wrong.

We welcome anyone else’s efforts at drawing Wrong Kittens. The sky’s the limit, and there are more to follow in due course.

Smidge-tastic Advert Break – MK 2

I feel as though I may be out of the loop again.

There I was, walking around the streets of Carlisle in the rain like Sadsack from ‘Raggydolls’, when I came across this advertisement in the window of a pharmacy:

We are all aware of the Finnish authentic / fake advert for Coco Loco posted last year, which illegally used Smidge Manly’s likeness to sell coconut oil, yet this is news to me.

Not only does the image look nothing like him but the paparrazi seem to have caught Smidge on a particularly bad day. It is the kind of picture you would see being pushed through the newspaper tabloids under some abusive headline like, “Smidge Piles on the Pounds on the beach,” or, “Sensational Smidge Photos will shock your senses!”

I would suggest some sort of lawsuit immediately because this level of misunderstanding at worst and sensationalism at best should not be tolerated. I am calling my solicitor, Mr James Titan, once I have finished writing this.

The Kipper Experience

You will all be sad to know that my washing-machine repair days are finally behind me. Even though it was only a career that lasted a couple of years, I feel as though I have given all I can give. Anyone who is still on the waiting list, I will do my best to see to your fallen machines however you may choose to seek another professional’s due care and attention if the fault demands immediate attention.

A wise man once told me, “Life is for living,” and boy was he right. Sometimes you have to take a leap into the unknown in order to find the right thing for you. In a way I have always known what I wanted to do and it is only now that I have managed to sort myself out. What my life needed was kippers.

Kippers are the only food you can have for any meal. They’re small, oily and very popular around the world. What I mean by a ‘Kipper Experience’ is one whereby you live like a kipper. You are one with the kipper. There are so many things that you can learn by becoming a kipper that most people are completely unaware of. Yes, it does demand a lot of your time. You can sign up for one of the weekend retreats to begin with, just in case you are a little uncertain as to whether this is the right thing for you, but once you’ve gotten past this hurdle I would thoroughly recommend the week and month long excursions available.

Very soon I will be taking off to the Isle of Man. I have just returned from a week in the village of Craster in Northumberland, living the kipper dream. I met a large array of different kippers, all of whom welcomed me as one of their own. I can only hope that when you choose a ‘Kipper Experience’ it will be as wonderful as my own.

Not What You Think

Look at this:

What you’re looking at is a blackboard located at my local IKEA which I recently visited. Now I am mostly an open-minded person but I am quite averse to worshiping characters of any kind, whether religious, fictional, good or evil, when I am browsing home furnishings.

I can only imagine the kind of chaos that would ensue if someone got down on their knees and started to worship a fallen angel near the sofa department. That I do not want. If I am going to spend two hours of my life on a Saturday afternoon slowly walking around the various sections of IKEA I would rather try to avoid a small group of people clustered around a statue or photo, with fire in their eyes, bowing up and down.

Luckily for me, they were done by the time I passed.

Do yourself a favour; steer clear of furniture-loving Satanists.

What is a Pound Minute?

We may have invented wireless communications, put sailors on the moon and shortened the English language to within an inch of its life, but what is a Pound Minute?

The Pound Minute is a way of working out whether doing something is actually worth your while. It measures the cost received for the action being carried out and confirms whether you should or should not do it. The Pound Minute has been alive for several decades but is only now receiving the attention it so rightly deserves.

Say, for instance, you were asked to paint your friend’s fence. They provide you with the paint and overalls, and maybe even lunch if you play your cards right. The fence will take approximately three hours to paint, both front and back, and you have to apply at least two coats of paint for it to be considered a worthwhile job. Your friend will pay you £10.00 per hour of painting that you do.

If you choose to carry out the smallest amount of the painting required, which is six hours, you will earn £60.00. This equates to six Pound Minutes. This is a good use of your time but will make your friend think twice about asking for your services again.

If you choose to carry out the right amount of painting required, which is nine hours, you will earn £90.00. This equates to nine Pound Minutes. This is a bad use of your time, but it will make your friend think of you in a new light because you are going the extra mile to ensure that fence is gleaming like grandma’s keys.

Those of an indecisive nature can also utilise the ‘Wheel of Thrusting (TM)’. Future versions may be able to calculate Pound Minutes on your behalf.

Pouring
Beans

Author: Ian “Toasty” McIver