Modern Life is Confusing

So… there’s nothing quite like the English language. It can manipulated and distorted in so many ways that what it resembles now is completely different to how it was a hundred, fifty, even twenty years ago.

That said, sometimes innovation does not happen overnight. You have to allow it to simmer for a while. It will bubble to the surface to get your attention when it is ready to do so. Don’t rush it, for the love of Buster Keaton! I was recently scouring the internet to look for a birthday present for my godson and instead stumbled over this.

Ladies and gentleman, let me present you with a link to the Animal Pig:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B013PX3XYI

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Animal Pig you should know two important things:

This pig is an animal
This animal is a pig

Note how the two facts are very similar but also very different at the same time. I had gone looking for a present and alternatively received an education in how to refer to modern animals.

Now when I am on my way to a farm I can look forward to seeing the Animal Cows, the Animal Chickens and the Animal Goats. If I’m heading to a zoo I can feast my eyes upon the Animal Elephants, the Animal Giraffes and possibly, if they’re not too busy, the Animal Tigers.

I’m already working on a FUN leaflet for my nieces to explain that we’ve been doing nature all wrong and that we have to shift with the times otherwise we’ll just look simple.

In one sense, why did no-one tell me this sooner?! In another, awww, pigs.

Remembering is Fun – ‘Kevin’s Favourite Song’

Due to a distinct absence of Kevin and Kevin-based products it now falls upon Chris and myself to fill in the blanks. I’m not very good at grooming poodles or doing up houses so this will be a lengthy and painful process.

I’m also really rank at doing IT. I did an IT once and the whole office didn’t recover for six weeks. I don’t get to do an IT anymore.

Instead let’s hark back to a time before all of this guff. A more simple time when I would spend most weekends levelling up my characters on ‘Secret of Mana’ on the SNES and crying about girls, or a lack thereof. Kevin, meanwhile, was off living it up big style. Not only had he managed to do his face in on a holiday to Greece with Tom Cruise lookalike and badger enthusiast Mr T Matthews, but he also was holding down a sweet job in Monkey Maze and beating up crims as his crime fighting alter ego, The Malevolent Pen.

With all of this going on you’d think he wouldn’t had had time to keep up with the latest fashions, the hottest beats, the sweetest sounds. Well you’d be wrong. Many a time did I go round to his house to find him pulling shapes to THE song of 2002:

He played it constantly. This was his jam and nobody else’s, and if they tried to make it their jam he threw them into a canal. I saw him do it; it was brutal.

There was a time where each time I would call him he’d be sat in a car outside DJ Luck and MC Neat’s recording studio in the hope of catching them and getting them to sign his test vinyl pressing of the song.

I know there will be a large pool of people who won’t believe this because after his endless posts about Status Quo it’s hard to imagine him not wearing a pair of jeans and a ponytail and being chased around by a shit Simon Pegg double. Yet, with my hand on my heart and my leg in the furnace, I can tell no lie.

I wonder if he still plays it now, in the dark, quietly, as his child sleeps. One day Tiny Mountain might wake up as the sun gently caresses his face and he’ll turn to Kevin and his first word will be, “Irie!”

I hope so, guys, I really hope so.

A Big THANK you

There are a lot of heroes that never receive the recognition they deserve. They wander on, still doing their best, still going above and beyond the expectations of their peers and yet their trophy cabinet remains empty. It’s not as if they do what they do for the silverware though; they do it because nobody else can.

I would like to offer a warm slightly moist hug to those people and things. I open up my arms and welcome them into the happiness of my bosom, sometimes with a sympathetic tap to the head and a quiet word in their ear.

For there are many who don’t realise that without them the world would be a much darker place. I hope you all will join hands and put down your slush puppies, in that order, to slap a high five in the general direction of…

ELBOWS!

Flaming Horses

You are applying for a job.

There are several other people in line for the position but so far, without realising, you have been the strongest candidate. When the interviewer looks away you quickly wipe the sweat from your brow. Someone has left the heating on; you think it’s a deliberate ploy to put you under pressure.

It all comes down to the last question, which is separated into two parts:

A) You are passing through a popular field. All of a sudden you notice a horse, on fire, charging towards you. You do not have enough time to run away. The flaming horse is going to collide with you unless you do something immediately. You do not have any weapons or tools at your disposal. What do you do?

B) You are passing through an unpopular field. It’s all dirty and marshy. All of a sudden you notice a horse, on fire, charging towards a small group of zombie children, who are also on fire. They are going to collide unless you do something immediately. You do not have any weapons or tools at your disposal. You cannot leave the situation as it is and walk away. What do you do?

Your answers will determine whether or not you get the job.

Think carefully.

Chang’d Up / Chang’d Down

It is with a heavy heart and a great overwhelming sense of sadness that I must report that Kevin and his endless stream of DIY must unfortunately come to an end.

Having spoken with Britain’s ‘newest dad’ (TM) this weekend, he confirmed to me in an exclusive interview that he is done with doing up his diggs.

“Once I’ve finished painting the ceiling in the living room, that’s it, I’m done, no more!” he remarked without a hint of reluctance. At first I thought he was joking but the look on his face said it all, and woe betide me if he appeared almost relieved at the prospect of having a rest from scanting his chandeliers and blowing down his parquet beam shoddery.

What this means for the future is uncertain. The property will remain open to tourists for the next four months but will close prior to the summer period, usually when demand is highest. The rumoured eighth wing will no longer be in development and any hope of that elephant rack in the Southern district is completely off the cards.

All in all it means a net loss for the world and for England’s seventeenth biggest attraction.

Newsboost – And Finally…

Current Investigations

Have you seen this man?

The relevant authorities are currently looking for the suspect due to his possible involvement in the recent fires at the Jerry Loinsford Memorial Publishing house.

Referred to only as Kevindo Menendez to both friends and work colleagues, the suspect has on occasion, which is putting it lightly, been known to undertake various lengthy and overwhelming construction work to his current accommodation.

Even though his poodle grooming salon failed and ultimately closed several years ago, Mr Menendez, pictured here enjoying the benefits of traffic light jelly, has had recent success with his line of baked beans.

The suspect has not had any prior involvement in any incidents of arson, however several comments regarding the owner of the publishing house and his award-winning books and personality have placed him directly at the front of the authorities’ enquiries.

If you know the whereabouts of this reprobate, please contact someone wearing shoes.

Remembering is Fun

I have recently been on a bit of a tidying binge in and around the flat. I took a lot of time out in January to buff to sheen all the jobs I had been procrastinating about during December. And there were tons. It also didn’t help that other people were actively handing me MORE things to do but hey, that’s just me. If I’m me, and I usually am, then I’m always helping.

In sorting out a particularly shifty box in the corner of my room, I re-discovered this interesting artefact from a certain Mr C Marshall:

I’m not very good with dates. I am very certain that this was when he, as in him, as in you, Chris, we’re at university learning how to push buttons for the BBC. Just think of where you would be now were it not for the booze and juice aisles.

My absolute favourite though is the ‘don’t know’ section which contained Lord only knows what kind of middling weirdness and frivolity.

Remembering is Fun.

Pouring
Beans

Author: Ian “Air Travel Regulations” McIver