I often start my posts with a question and this one is no different. What makes a brilliant film? Chris won’t know this, because any sight of cinema will cause him to explode so really the question goes out to… everyone else? At the very core you need a great idea, a smashing premise that you can hang 90 minutes of dialogue off and then charge people ten quid to watch it. Film companies have been doing this for almost a hundred years.
As it happens I came across the beginning of what could be a billion dollar franchise sitting right behind me. The story goes like this:
A very kind colleague in the office decided to make some cheesecake and give it out… FOR FREE! Offices are great for this kind of altruistic behaviour. Not just any cheesecake though, we’re talking Orio Nutella cheesecake. Sarah, who does bake but didn’t make this, sits behind me and occasionally comes out with delightful utterances such as, “Ghosts have names too you know!” She’s a gem. So after being given a lovely slice of sugary goodness she put her fork down and said, “I don’t like Orios, I don’t like Nutella and I don’t like cheesecake but that I liked!”
Boy, what to do with this? I jumped on the chance and immediately offered to buy the film rights. Which I did. For one Kitkat Chunky. I did also try to orchestrate a book and theatre deal however she shot me down. Clearly she’s been talking to other people…
So there we have it. I’m gonna have my people talk to some other people and very soon a script will be hitting my desk, possibly written by me.
Cheesecake Dilemma. Add it up: Mix and Snatch. And my personal favourite, Yes please cake.
28 comments on “Blockbuster Gold 2019/20”
If I’m honest, I still don’t know what the story is that you’ve bought the rights to. Someone made a cake and someone else liked it? Is that it?
Woman doesn’t like things. Woman eats things that encapsulate stuff that she doesn’t like and is a changed person. Chaos ensues. Possibly a new world chore.
Yeah. Well, let me know how it goes when it gets its cinematic release. As you know, I don’t watch films, so I definitely won’t watch yours.
I was convinced that I couldn’t even write this post, for fear of you reading it and coming out in hives. Is there a name for this kind of affliction?
It’s called Chris. I suffer from being Chris. It is my crime, and also my punishment.
There there mate, we’ve all got our cross-eyed bears to bear. I think that’s what people say.
Can we not talk about bears? I was once jilted at the alter by a bear. I find it difficult to talk about them.
Sorry mate, sorry. I know how difficult a time it was for you, and I forgot that the mere mention of the word sends you into a fit of tears.
‘A Fit of Tears’. Fancy channelling your emotions into a Papples song?
Absolutely. It could be another sorrowful ballad, with sax solo. The kind that Kev really loves.
Kev wants the ratio of ballads to other songs to be 10 to 1. That’s what he wants, and more Steely Dan covers.
Could we do a sax-heavy ballad about Steely Dan? That would be bang up his alley.
If you bring the sax, I’ll bring the ‘Dan.
Also, is his alley full of projects that he’s started, made a Twitter feed for and then gone off to find something else to do?
Hey, hey. HEY.
Is this film going to have anything to do with the guys who publish your books? If so I’ll have the inside track on where all the copies will be stored prior to distribution.
Not that anything terrible like a fire or anything might befall them.
You could probably get a head start by getting hold of the cast list before filming starts, and then setting fire to all the actors.
That seems a little harsh, I’m not in it for murder or to put innocent people out of work. Heck, they must already be having a pretty shitty time of it if they’re acting in a film about a fucking cheesecake. No, much better to let them get paid and then burn all the copies so that no bugger else has to sit through it.
If anyone is setting fire to anything then surely it must be me. Can I not start by setting fire to myself thus eliminating the need for all of this?
Cheesecake films though, they’re the future.
I feel like we’ve all become a bit distracted from the real issue at stake here, which is the writing of an emotional sax-heavy ballad about Steely Dan.
Screw that, nobody wants that.
Ian, you could just stop churning out dross, then nobody would have to burn anything.
One man’s dross is another man’s multi-award-winning series of self-help novels.
I think we should put it to a vote. I vote for an emotional sax-heavy ballad about Steely Dan (or Steelingtons Daningtons as they’re sometimes known).
I’m pretty sure their name is short for Steelingtons Daniel. Is that not right?
Anyway. I vote for chips. Let’s have some chips.
One for Steelingtons Danielingtons and one for chips. Unless there are any other votes, it’s a tie between emotion sax-heavy ballads and cooked potatoes.
Seems reasonable to me.
Chips all the way.
No more steely nonsense for you.
Kev mate, you responded too late, mate, your vote is technically void like ‘Streetmate’, mate. You’re the Davina McCall of clickbait, mate.
No, that’s not how it works.
I count. Hear me!
CONSIDER ME!
CONSIDER ME TOO.
I’ve seen keen and this is the most keen I’ve seen for a while.
Good. Then it’s settled.