Category: Awful, just awful

Avatar Cloves? No idea

The world is full of mysteries. There are so many things that we still don’t fully understand. I personally struggle to understand a lot of things. Sometimes it’s easier to make up your own ideas than taking the time to read a book and get the jist. That’s 50% of parenting anyway, making your kid believe that you have all the answers.

Oh, you expect to get them from me? Don’t be silly, I can’t answer your questions. Who do you think I am? I’m no science master like Kevin, all I’ve got are my street smarts and the money maker (aka my viso / volto).

That’s all I got.

Have you ever considered cloves? What they are? Where they come from? No, me neither. Cloves are a thing that is and you have to accept them regardless. The sooner you do the sooner we can all move on.

You still want me to explain them? Go on then.

You might think that cloves are the aromatic flower buds of a tree in the family Myrtaceae Syzyglum aromaticum, but you’d be totally wrong. They’re really toenails from donkeys that have been “lightly spiced” with effervescent apples and fervent aggression. Put it this way; have you ever put a clove in your mouth and felt happy? No. No you haven’t, and if you have then you’re a liar.

Cloves are made bitter to suck the very life out of you. There’s all this talk of helping with looking after your teeth and improving the flavour of your cooking and it’s all nonsense. They want you miserable and they will stop at nothing to turn you into a brittle, chafing dish of a man. They taste of misery squared. Do me a favour and steer clear of cloves.

Avatar Guide to the Genus Melocaeruledus: The Cave Fladger

2025 is almost done, and what better way to wecome in 2026 than with another terrifying creature? Yes, youve guessed it, its fladger time again! This time we head underground in search of one of the most unique melocaeruledi, the Cave Fladger…

Cave Fladger

Scientific Name: Melocaeruledus troglolucens (troglo = of caves, lucens = glowing or shining)

Common Names: The Cave Fladger, Ghost Fladger, Damp Gimp Wasp

Habitat: Limestone caves, subterranean rivers.

Description: The pallid, almost glassy skin of the Cave Fladger reveals an intricate network of grey veins. It appears to glow when hit with torchlight. Its huge, sensitive ears allow audible nagivation, granting it almost silent flight in utter darkness. The Cave Fladger’s diet consists chiefly of beetles, moths, and blind cave shrimp

Behaviour: The Cave Fladger is mostly timid in nature, and will try its best to hide from humans who find thier nests. They have been known to work as a pack in defence of thier homes or young, emmitting a high pitched squeel, similar to that of a human baby, to gather support from others.

Notes: Legends claim their appearance can predict misfortune, though this may be attributed to startled cavers falling to their demise upon being greeted by a pack of screaming translucent gimp wasps.

Avatar Jazzy Christmas

When you think of Christmas what immediately comes to mind? Decorations? Presents? Singing carols on the doorstops of strangers for fun to bring back the festive cheer to everyone?

Yeah, me too.

What doesn’t come to mind is any of this.

When looking for a Christmas tree a few weeks ago, I found these monstrosities dotted around a garden centre.

Why are they all playing the saxophone? Why do they all look like they’ve been drugged at the office Christmas party? When did they all have time to learn how to play an instrument? Why would anyone pay £19.99 for a single saxophone-playing Christmas toy?

I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you’re looking to make your house a little more festive then this is not the way to do it. Once you start mixing jazz and Christmas then you’re staring down the barrel of a Kenny G album.

Avatar Guide to the Genus Melocaeruledus: The Nautical Fladger

Welcome back to the Melocaeruledus zone. This time we take a deep dive (literally) into the aquatic regions of the Fladger family tree with the Nautical Fladger…

Nautical Fladger

Scientific Name: Melocaeruledus pelagornis (pelagornis = “of the open sea”, befitting its aquatic and wide ranging habitats)
Common Names: The Nautical Fladger, The Sea Bastard, The Pinchy Fizzer.

Habitat: Rocky shores, tidal caves, open seas.

Description: This maritime variant retains the shimmering blue-green fly arse of its kin, but its forelegs have evolved into lobster-like claws suited for cracking shellfish and prising molluscs from rocks. Its wings, encrusted with salt, serve as stabilisers in water as well as for brief buzzing flights between tidal pools, reefs and stranded boats.

Behaviour: It is fiercely territorial around rich feeding grounds and is known to follow fishing vessels, stealing bait and offal when it thinks nobody is looking. When threatened, it retreats to coastal caves, clinging upside-down to damp stone while emitting a low, rattling buzz to ward off intruders.

Notes: The Nautical Fladger is more often heard than seen—its eerie trilling cry echoing across misty harbours.

Avatar How not to catch a train

Recently, thanks to a kerfuffle relating to a car being serviced under warranty at a garage that was nowhere near where we live, I needed to get back home from Maidenhead by public transport.

Getting to our house from anywhere by public transport is difficult, but even given our limited options, no effort has ever been made to link our home with Maidenhead. So getting home meant two buses and four trains and would take a minimum of two hours and 40 minutes, and even that journey time was only possible a few times a day.

The last couple of weeks have been both busy and stressful, so I will admit I was not in the optimum frame of mind for a difficult journey, and may have been distracted when a little concentration would help. But even given that excuse I managed to screw this up to a degree I would scarcely have believed possible.

This is the story of my #trainsaga.

Read More: How not to catch a train »

Avatar Work snacks

You know how this works. Someone in your team goes away somewhere nice on holiday, and they bring back some sweets or something for everyone else. Sometimes it’s just a nice bag of fruity chewy things they picked up at the airport, but there are people who take pleasure in bringing back something unusual that divides opinion.

In our team we have a side table where people sometimes put biscuits and other things to share. (We call it the calorie counter.) This week I came in to work after a few days off to discover it had several interesting things on it. But one of the oddities of working in a department where we all do shifts is that different people are in on different days, and by the time I arrived, there was nobody on shift who had any idea where this stuff had come from.

So I was left to examine it and see if I could work out what it all was. Here is what I found.

Read More: Work snacks »

Avatar Guide to the Genus Melocaeruledus: The Honey Fladger

Welcome back to Melocaeruledus corner. This week we take a deep dive into the scarier parts of the Fladger family tree with the Honey Fladger…

Honey Fladger

Scientific Name: Melocaeruledus melliferus (melliferus = “honey-bearing”, fitting its honey badger heritage and predatory, aggressive nature.)
Common Names: The Honey Badger,

Habitat: Savannah, scrublands, arid grasslands.

Description: The Honey Fladger combines the white-headed bastardry of the honey badger (Mellivora capensis) with the shiney blue abdomen of a bluebottle fly. Compound eyes lend it a fearsome viso/volto.

Behaviour: Both feared and admired by locals, Its powerful build makes it a fearless hive-raider. Shrugging off bee stings, it consumes the honey, wax, and larvae with equal relish. Whilst it will generally eat anything that annoys it, it has a fondness for snakes, biting them behind the head and dropping them from a great hight onto other unsuspecting Honey Fladgers.

Notes: Its buzzing flight has been likened to the growl of a wolverine caught in a trap.