Leave me be

Didn’t we already go through this, Chris?

I feel as though I’m repeating myself. It would take too long to go through the website to find the post I’m referring to but I specifically remember when you did this previously asking you to stop with this nonsense and yet when I was looking through my junk emails last week, what do you think I found?

There you were, nestled lovingly between some other guff of the highest order. Do I want my free Elvis Presley ’68 coin? No thanks. Do I want a loan of £5,000.00 from someone who couldn’t even get past the spam filter in my inbox? Definitely not. You’ve got something very important to tell me. Something very important is going to happen to…

To you, Siobhan. You can’t even get my name right. How long have we been friends? It’s not the longest name to remember. Three letters and you’re done unlike your full name which is a whopping eleven letters. Do you see me complaining every time I have to write out a card to you? That is, quite frankly, ridiculous. I am not a petty man though so I am willing to let these matters slide. Let me put all of my grief to one side and view with a fresh pair of eyes (and I do have a fresh pair of viewing eyes, they were needed after viewing so much this year so far, the most viewing I’ve done since 2020) the wonders that you have in store for me. It states that something very important is going to happen to me in this…

Autumn 2022. Are you joking? What do you think you’re playing at, sunshine? Are you telling me that your email sent in April 2023 about the magic of Autumn 2022 is supposed to be legit? I gave you the benefit of the doubt and now I’m not sure what kind of sick person you really are. On the surface it’s all wood smothering and horse bothering, a quaint village life with cups of tea and otter sharpening, but underneath that is the kind of repugnant filth that only the Daily Mail would care for.

You make me sick, sir.

ABOFB 32: Conspiracy Theories

A Breath of Fresh Beans returns triumphantly after only 371 days since the last episode. We’re still ploughing through the wealth of recordings made during the various Covid-19 lockdowns, so its still technically series 4.

Anyway, we burst back into your ears to discuss:

Finland
Paul McCartney
Popcorn
Tinned Bears

Work in Progress

Back in August 2022 which was, according to the calendar, a whopping six years ago (it may be broken, I’m waiting for an appointment with the calendar technician), I said that I would draw Chris as a business balloon floating over Europe, ready to administer some kind of business thing to the people of abroad. They are his neighbours after all.

During my brief foray into insurance, I started a doodle inside my notebook and never finished it. It wasn’t a good doodle and it’s unfinished so really it’s a big pile of nothing. As this website thrives on big piles of nothing, however, I decided to display it for everyone to see.

Look at my big pile of nothing:

You will note the subtle brushstrokes around Chris’ balloon body as well as the gleeful look on his viso / volto. I thought it would be best to show him as a friendly business balloon rather than some kind of harbinger of doom, dropping acquisitions and harsh takeovers like they were Tic Tacs. The people of Europe, possibly the Netherlandians of the Netherlands given their close proximity to the UK and how I’ve drawn the coastline, are happy to see Chris, delighted even. What he’s bringing is right up their street and they can’t wait for him to unload the goods.

Don’t feel sorry for the man (?) whose body is missing; I will draw it at some point so that he can jump for joy and join in with the rest of the citizens. What does that blank, daunting landscape hold? Are there any houses in the Netherlands? Will they need to shoot him down or can Chris release the air himself and gently float into their lives? What exactly is Chris transporting all those miles?

There are too many questions so, please, refrain from asking any until the final masterpiece has been completed.

Minutes from a Meeting

Meeting held on the evening of Monday 6 February.

Those present: Kevin Hill, Christopher Marshall and Ian McIver.

It was decided that the British Mash Council (or BMC) would be formally appointed in lieu of the existence of one.

Kevin Hill (KH) decided that Chris Marshall (CM) would be in charge of historical preservation of mash, historical important of mash and everything associated with these. KH also decided that Ian McIver (IM) would be in charge of croquettes.

KH said that CM should go to London, given that he is the closest geographically, to ask for money from either the PM or the Treasury to fund the BMC. CM offered no resistance to this and seemed on board with the idea.

IM then announced that all the money should be “poured into croquettes”. General acceptance all round although KH specified that some of the budget should be kept back for other projects.

CM asked about whether recipes that incorporate mash but were not mash-centric should be focused on. KH decided that it would involve too many other governmental departments and thus only primary mash food should be championed. CM mentioned classic mash dishes such as ‘Bubble and Squeak’ and ‘Colcannon’. KH misheard the latter and asked what a dove cannon was.

CM asked about the museum that was being discussed and whether it should include statues of celebrities made out of mash. All members were in favour. In addition to Winston Churchill and his glorious beard of mash, the following other people were mentioned: Paddy Mashdown (CM), Richard Mashcroft (CM), Mashley Cole (IM), Mike Mashley (KH) and Jayne Middlemiss (IM). Costs and expenses not discussed. Also possible crossover event with Mash vs The Evil Dead (even though it was cancelled after three seasons).

Dove cannons are to be used at all mash events except ones in small rooms where firing doves into the walls will end with calamity and death.

Mashvertising is to be brought back in full force. The importance of mash needs to be re-introduced back into the homes of Great Britain after being in abeyance for so long. IM asked what the thoughts were of seminal kids’ programme ‘Bodger and Badger’, unanimous approval from all members. It was then motioned that they would be used in the mashvertising promotions… until it was discovered that the actor who played Bodger had sadly passed away in 2017. A new face will need to be sought and daughter of Bodger (“Bodge daught”) may be a prospect. To be discussed at a future meeting.

General mash talk occurred for several minutes.

Next meeting was agreed for Thursday 16 March.

Personalised beverage

I didn’t think my name was unusual or difficult to spell.

I was wrong.

AI Knows you well…

Our robot overlords are coming, its only a matter of time, but they will come. For now though AI is still either used to sort through spreadsheets faster than a human, help robot dogs open a door or for titting about making pictures from text commands.

With that last option in mind, I headed over to a text-to-image AI tool and typed in our usernames, and I think you can see that the AI mind has synthesised us perfectly.

A request for images of “Chris5156” gives us the all familiar images of Chris going about his business as some sort of train, or as we often see him, adorning the cover of some sort of sports magazine.

Searching for dear old “Ian ‘Mac Mac Mac Mac’ McIver” brings us similarly familiar results. We all know Ian is a keen lover of football, ominous framed symbols and his ginger hair is the envy of many.

“Kevil” meanwhile returns results of bizarre bird creatures and bald businessmen… spot on!

Just to round-out the set, I checked in on what the computer brains had to show in its databanks for “Pouring Beans“. I wasn’t disappointed. It nailed the pouring rooms at the back of the beans perfectly, right down to the floating sieve and the denim uniforms…

Marshall Box

I’ve been working where I work for a long time. Years. Maybe hundreds of years. I can’t remember.

Anyway, the delightful thing about working here is that I’m still discovering new things. The other day, for example, I went into a room I’m sure I’ve visited countless times before, but I noticed something new. Something important.

I found my box.

A Question of Geography – how French is Chris?

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar. This riddle has nothing to do with today’s topic but I wanted to open with something a little different.

Chris moved down South ages ago, decades even. People cannot place exactly when he disappeared to be a Big Man in a Big Pond yet there is irrefutable evidence that it did happen because he’s not here anymore. When faced with the facts, everything becomes facts. He then decided to move even further South, something that nobody expected was possible. In fact he moved so far South that there are now reports that he’s no longer in this country. So exactly how French is Chris?

We all know that Chris can speak the language and has been to France several times in his life. On more than one occasion I have witnessed him holding an onion, not necessarily a string of onions around his neck but still it’s a layer of proof. Even though he was playing a character there is a section of ‘Newsboost’ where he dons a beret and speaks in a French account (whilst holding a pipe, probably a French pipe) gesturing wildly with his hands between shots. An eye witness has confirmed that this was entirely Chris’ idea during the planning stages of the production.

All this is pointing to the fact that prior to his move, Chris was already French or in the process of turning into French. The move to Bordon (which sounds suspiciously similar to Bordeaux) merely accelerated this, increasing his love for cheese and wine.

You may argue that this is no longer a case of geography and is more to do with psychology; the psychological changes that Chris is undertaking should be the topic of this post. I would argue back (in a louder voice, preferably looking at you with one stern eye) that there was the possibility of Chris returning to normal had he remained in his hole in London. The Frenchness of a person is immediately halted when placed around the most English of places and we all know how English London is. All that Cockney was keeping it at bay and would have continued to do so.

Whatever you choose to believe, the latest statistics from scientists have suggested that a whopping 79% of Chris is French and we all know that once you cross that risky 70% mark there is no going back. You may as well hop on a bicycle and precariously carry some baguettes down a cobbled street whilst mumbling under your breath. We may no longer have the same Chris as we once did so we can only make do with the one we have now. Remember the Plymouth lady who suffered a stroke and afterwards could only speak in Chinese? It’s nothing like that.