Category: Competition

Avatar Phrase phase competition – Jan

Language is in a constant state of fluidity.

There, I started with something sensible for once. You know when you’re racking your brain and you realise you’re full of old expressions, catchphrases and adages that you’ve picked up along the way? Where do they all come from? How does someone uttering a sentence once suddenly become a phrase used hundreds of years later?

These days, it all comes from the Internet and lasts roughly about as long as the little orb’s attention span on a bad day. What is hilarious and prevalent one day is cringe and desperate the next. We need a more solid approach to this. Our lives are filled with throwaway matter so let’s bandage up 2026 by trying to create a brand new expression / phrase / something. I’ll be running a competition over the next few months and all being well, with the usual helpful contributions from Chris, we should be able to craft something exciting.

This month, we have five stunning entries to tantalise your verbal taste buds.

  1. Silicon valley, tin can alley – when someone loses all their wealth and is reduced to nothing but poverty
  2. Whatever next, Timothy? – a general expression to say when you don’t know what to say, even if there’s not a Timothy nearby
  3. I lost my hat on the treadmill of life – response to a question where you want to avoid the real answer and need to leave quickly
  4. Cough it up, wank bread – a work in progress (insults are hard)
  5. Sometimes you make the crinkle, sometimes the crinkle you make – when you want to sound wise without displaying any proper evidence of this

There we go. I await your feedback. I’ll also be taking any nominations in the comments section so if you have something you say to yourself that nobody else does, and you wish to share it with the world, then come on over like Shania Twain and let us know!

Avatar Puzzle corner

It’s been a while since the Pouring Beans magazine ran a puzzle page, so for all those of you sitting on a railway platform with a pencil and ten minutes to spare, here’s this week’s fun games.

All you have to do is identify the common Beans catchphrases from the symbols.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address. The winner will be randomly selected and will win a specially branded box of Pouring Beans “After Eight” minty beans. Good luck!

Avatar Clompotition time (last one)

You’ll all be thrilled to know that this is the last one I have before we can retire this charade masquerading as a proper post. We all have stuff we like to whip out (waaaaaay!) as a cheap post from time to time to fill the quota and tick the boxes. I still have plenty of guff to fill your screens, and your time with, so divant fret, pet, if you’re worried about the lack of meaningful content.

Surely in our roles as gods of the Internet, for existing so long in this digital hellscape, we practically invented meaningful content (or whatever passes for it these days).

Anyway, enough preaching. Guess the expiry date of this bottle of ketchup.

Here’s a little hint too; it’s nowhere near as old as any of the other entries.

Avatar Clompetition time (again again)

We’re back again to bother you with the possibility of having that briefest glimpse of hope of winning. Winning something? No, no, merely winning. You can’t put a price on that.

Today’s sponsor is Bluebocado, the fruit that never gives up. If you want the taste of blueberries with the hearty goodness of avocados then you need to get some Bluebocado in your life.

What sell by date did this attractive jar of marmalade have?

Avatar The jelly baby quiz: answers

Apparently when I set the jelly baby quiz way back in, I don’t know, the late 1990s, I promised that as well as prizes there would be answers. Well, the prize (singular) has now been distributed, so all that remains is to dig in to the answers to see how Kev came to be the winner.

Strap in for some detailed admin as we rake through all the questions, and everyone’s answers, one by one and in forensic detail.

Q1. Jelly is made using which animal product?

Jelly is produced using gelatine, which is made from collagen using animal bones.

  • Kev said “Cow or Pig Gelatine”. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “Bone Marrow”. 0 points.
  • Ian said “Gelatin”. 1 point.

Q2. Babies are born without which bones?

Kneecaps. Babies are born with cartiledge where their kneecaps will eventually form.

  • Kev said “Kneecaps!”. 1 point, plus a bonus for exuberance.
  • Smidge said “Horns”. 0 points.
  • Ian said “The ass”. This is not a bone recognised by medical science. 0 points.

Q3. In a classic red-yellow-green multicoloured jelly scenario, what flavour is the green one?

The UK jelly market has a standard colour scheme that applies to most brands. Green is either lime or lemon and lime. Either of those flavours will be accepted.

  • Kev said “Lime”. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “Go”. Go has no flavour. 0 points.
  • Ian said “Some kind of zesty juu?”. Like all humans, Jews taste like chicken. 0 points.

Q4. To the nearest 400, how many babies were born in the UK in 2023?

The Office for National Statistics recorded 591,072 births in England and Wales for 2023; the Scottish Government recorded 45,935; the Northern Ireland Registrar General recorded 19,962. This makes a total of 656,969. I don’t know what “to the nearest 400” even means so I will rank answers by how close they are to the right number.

  • Kev said “598,400”, which is short by 58,569, or almost the population of Scarborough.
  • Smidge said “598,401”, which is short by 58,568, or slightly more than the population of Gravesend.
  • Ian said “Let’s see, one born every minute, erm 525,600”, which is impressively close given the wayward methodology, but still short by 131,369, or approximately one Watford.

Smidge was the closest and scores 3 points. Kev was second closest and scores 2. Ian was furthest away and scores 1.

Q5. Which is the correct part of a jelly baby to eat first?

I eat the head first, so the jelly baby won’t suffer during the rest of the eating process. However, I will accept any reasonable answer. Reasonableness is at the quizmaster’s discretion.

  • Kev said “Head”. This aligns with my own approach. I approve. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “The bit that isn’t between your fingers”. There is an irresistible logic to this that I find impossible to deny. 1 point.
  • Ian said “Trick question. You eat all of it at the same time”. This appears to introduce no additional suffering beyond my own “head” method and is undeniably efficient. I have also definitely done this myself sometimes. 1 point.

Scores

Having reached the end of the questions we can now look at the scoreboard.

  • Kev had a storming quiz and scores 7.
  • Smidge had a slow start but picked up big points on the birthrate question, and scores 4.
  • Ian’s performance was a mixed bag throughout, and scores 3.

So, well done to Kev, who has probably finished his jelly babies by now, and commiserations to Ian, who appears to have somehow lost out to the eternally confused Smidge Manly. Better luck next time.

Avatar You’re so sweet

Good news! The results of The jelly baby quiz are finally in.

As a reminder, all you had to do was answer five questions about jelly and babies, and let me know your preferred type of jelly baby so your prize could be tailored to you.

I’m delighted to announce that Kev is the winner, scoring well on all five questions, and a 400g pack of Maynard’s jelly babies are on their way to him.

A 400g box of Maynard's jelly babies, with the slogan "you're so sweet" on the front

Those of you who paid close attention will have noticed that the questions were quite vague and scoring them is at least partly a matter of opinion. This was supposed to enable me to declare everyone a winner and use the quiz as an excuse to send out jelly babies in all directions, spreading joy and chewy sweets to the whole Beans massive. However, despite Ian complaining about the quiz and then being reminded that he hadn’t let me know what kind of jelly babies he likes, five months on we are still none the wiser. As a result Kev has been declared the only winner and Ian’s lack of juvenile gelatinous snacks are his own fault.

Some people might say that this is petty, and that I could have just sent Ian any pack of jelly babies, but I would draw those people’s attention to the extensive terms and conditions that our team of crack lawyers have attached to competitions and lotteries run through the Pouring Beans website.

Anyway, let’s not let this minor administrative drama get in the way of celebrating Kev’s victory. Congratulations Kev – please enjoy biting the heads off first from all 400g of jelly babies.

Wait. That sounded sinister. Let’s just leave it at “congratulations”.

Avatar Clompotition time

Gather round, gather round everyone. It’s time for a fun competition that we can all take part in. Grab your friends, grab your relatives, even grab your doggo! Come one and all to start the new year the right way.

The right way being… over two weeks after it’s already started. Yes, I’m finally awake again and can form sentences that moderately make sense some of the time (and that’s all you can hope for when you’re me).

When I was at me mum’s house over Christmas, she had started the usual clear out of cupboards and tidying but sadly more pressing matters got in the way. She has a habit of forgetting about and then not using things before their sell-by date. These then get pushed near the back of the cupboard and are usually removed around December. Occasionally things get pushed to the very VERY back and are lost to time and space. How big are these cupboards? Not very, although you’d think they were the size of the Alhambra Theatre in Bradford when we move to the next part.

I fished out a couple of food items that were well past their best. Using state-of-the-art technology, I have removed the date and it’s up to YOU to guess when it expired. You get one point for the month and one point for the year. If you get both right you’ll receive a bonus point meaning there are three points up for grab each time. There are four games to play over the next four months and with minimal participation (for some of us, wink wink) you could win a superb prize (to be chosen at a later date, and not an imaginary prize like those jelly babies Christopher was jabbering about some months back).

First up – Mint and dark chocolate fondant thins from Sainsburgers. Choose your month and year, gentlemen.