Category: Delicious

Avatar Easter Eggcess

You probably know that, once Easter Sunday is gone, the supermarkets want to ditch their remaining Easter eggs and clear the shelves for something else.

Anyway, it turns out that if you’re a grown up you can do what you want, so on Monday we bought all this.

Then, on Tuesday, we came home to find that each of us had bought some more without mentioning it to the other. So now we have everything you see above, plus three more of the biggest Easter eggs, six more smaller ones, another 16 Creme Eggs, some sort of Creme Egg chocolate bar, quite a lot of Reese’s Eggs, numerous Cadbury’s Caramel eggs and two Toblerone products called Edgy Eggs.

We are now faced with a storage problem that, somehow, neither of us had foreseen.

Anyway, don’t worry too much, we’ll sort it out one way or another.

Avatar Newsboost – A Smidge too far

Following on from last month’s report on the super trooper mega fruit, celebrity endorsements have been swooping in like magpies at a pirate’s birthday party.

People have been queuing around the block to try to get their greasy hands on the Bluebocado, the latest food to tantalise the taste buds of those lucky enough to find some. Our report in March highlighted the claims made by the manufacturer whilst also questioning the positive aspects that the scientists were pushing so hard into the public’s consciousness. It would seem as though those doubts were somewhat unfounded as people have been raving about the Bluebocado all over social media and in those groups of people you still see in offices huddled around water and coffee machines:

“Sensational!” wrote someone.

“A taste sensation,” wrote another.

“Has anyone called it ‘sensational’ yet?” queried my landlord.

We managed to secure a small punnet last week and after carving them into tiny morsels and putting them on cocktail sticks (still rocking the 1970’s here over at Newsboost towers) we can confirm that the Bluebocado tastes as good as the world is declaring.

As previously mentioned, celebrities have been lining up to offer their thanks, their praise and their time to continue the good word. Sting has decided to write an entire double album about the super fruit on his lute. Timothee Chalamet was pictured leaving a nightclub in Soho in the wee small hours with a pack under his leather jacket. Zendaya turned up at LAX with a megaphone to proclaim that the Bluebocado was the best thing to happen to her since teeth. What really surprised the world though was when the unlikeliest of candidates stepped up.

Walking almanac anorak of questions, Smidge Manley, held a press conference in his back garden earlier this week to announce that he would be the face of the Bluebocado. He claimed to have signed a lucrative contract with the owners for full exposure.

“I’ve decided not to run in the local by-election anymore because my heart lies with the delicate taste of the Bluebocado. You’ll soon see my face promoting it here, there and even everywhere. You may even get tired of seeing my face, at which point they’ll turn me into a cartoon raven or a bee, like they did with that dog insurance guy. Bernard? Thatcher? One of them. I’ll be him, but for fruit.”

An interesting turn of events by all accounts.

Avatar Inginuity

I’m delighted to announce the launch of my own personal high quality alcoholic spirit, Inginuity.

It’s a high quality gin, with a superior blend of botanicals that together produce a slightly sweet and satisfyingly spicy way to get hammered.

Like any gin, it has a base of juniper, orris root, coriander seed and angelica root – those alone would simply make it a London Dry. To this my team of expert blenders (me) have added the essence of Yorkshire Gold tea, pink peppercorns, cassia bark, lemongrass, lime, fennel seed, rosemary and rosebud. These were carefully chosen because they tasted the nicest when I tried all the things I could put in it, and because one of them is from Yorkshire.

Anyway, much as I’d like you to try Inginuity – either in a classic G&T, or perhaps a martini, or even just straight from the bottle like a hobo – it’s such a classy, small-batch drink that only one bottle was produced. But if we ever do get that lucrative distribution contract with a major supermarket, you’ll be the first to know.

Avatar Newsboost – the super megafood

Scientists have done it once again and have officially announced that a new superfood has been created.

Top boffins at the Food Science Laboratory in East Sussex have managed to genetically modify an avocado with a punnet of blueberries to create the world’s first (presumably) SUPER super food; the Bluebocado.

This means that by eating one you would be getting the same disease-fighting antioxidants (anthocyanins if you want to get super technical) of blueberries coupled with the healthy monounsaturated fats, fibre, potassium and various vitamins such as K, E and C of avocados. We were unable to obtain a picture prior to this article but can only describe it as looking like a giant green ostrich egg with a blue wig.

“We have been working hard at developing something that was even more nutritious and even more satisfying than your standard average superfoods,” scoffs leading scientist Blemodine Advocate, “the demand for better foods has far outstripped what nature is capable of. I mean they gave us the tools with which to survive so we should be grateful for that. There is only so much that they can do though. You don’t see bees mixing uh uh a melon with a dandelion to create a refreshing drink, that’s something that we humans have to do.”

The Bluebocado was revealed in a press conference in London two days ago and since then the fervor on social media has reached peak levels:

  • “I NEED that superfood in my life RIGHT NOW,” said Twitter user Tenfor10UK
  • “I’ll sell my kids to get something that special,” gushed MotherofthreeMcGee79
  • “When it goes on sale, I’m calling in sick at work and I’m going to eat four of them at the same time,” murmured the quaintly named cuDDlebuCKet88

The Food Standards Agency has approved all the paperwork of the Bluebocado so there is nothing to stop it going on general sale at the start or next month. That said, some have questioned whether it is as fancy and sophisticated as it is being made out to be.

“It sounds amazing,” said celebrity food pusher Quentin Woodcock, “it sounds incredible, but what does it actually taste like? People haven’t been allowed to sample the bluebocado prior to the release which is unusual. They did the press conference, and you could look at it but not taste it. Blueberries and avocados have two very different dynamic flavours, and I am unsure as to whether they would work together.”

We took that question to Blemodine Advocate. “It tastes as you would expect it to taste; superfluous! We’ve combined two superfruits to create a mega superfruit, or megafruit (we’re still deciding on the official moniker). You’ll get four of your five a day from two bites. You’ll get all the benefits or both fruits. It’s reasonably priced too unless you’re buying it from Waitrose.”

As with most things, only time will tell if the story of the super duper megafruit will have a happy ending or it will leave us all with a sour taste in our mouths.

Avatar You’re so sweet

Good news! The results of The jelly baby quiz are finally in.

As a reminder, all you had to do was answer five questions about jelly and babies, and let me know your preferred type of jelly baby so your prize could be tailored to you.

I’m delighted to announce that Kev is the winner, scoring well on all five questions, and a 400g pack of Maynard’s jelly babies are on their way to him.

A 400g box of Maynard's jelly babies, with the slogan "you're so sweet" on the front

Those of you who paid close attention will have noticed that the questions were quite vague and scoring them is at least partly a matter of opinion. This was supposed to enable me to declare everyone a winner and use the quiz as an excuse to send out jelly babies in all directions, spreading joy and chewy sweets to the whole Beans massive. However, despite Ian complaining about the quiz and then being reminded that he hadn’t let me know what kind of jelly babies he likes, five months on we are still none the wiser. As a result Kev has been declared the only winner and Ian’s lack of juvenile gelatinous snacks are his own fault.

Some people might say that this is petty, and that I could have just sent Ian any pack of jelly babies, but I would draw those people’s attention to the extensive terms and conditions that our team of crack lawyers have attached to competitions and lotteries run through the Pouring Beans website.

Anyway, let’s not let this minor administrative drama get in the way of celebrating Kev’s victory. Congratulations Kev – please enjoy biting the heads off first from all 400g of jelly babies.

Wait. That sounded sinister. Let’s just leave it at “congratulations”.

Avatar Pump up the jam (in your face)

Do you like jams?

Do you like plums?

Do you like plummy jams? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘KEV’S PLUM PRESERVE’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the sweet, tempting taste of jam and slathered that (using a spoon) all over the best kind of fruit you can imagine, plums!

Spread it on parsnips, spread it on shepherd’s pie. Spread it on Bird’s Eye Potato Waffles, frozen pineapple chunks or a spicy and fragrant Nepalese Kukhurko Masu curry. You can even spread it on your hands.

Put a party on your tastebuds. Slam your plums on the table. Bring your miserable life to life with ‘KEV’S PLUM PRESERVE’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsidiary of Kevindo Menendez Food Conglomerate Holdings Plc).

Avatar Kick out the jam (into your mouth)

Do you like plums?

Do you like jam?

Do you like jammy plums? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘Kev’s Plums’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the rich, tangy taste of plums and mapped that (using a computer) into the best kind of food you could ever have; jam!

Spread it on apples, spread it on potatoes, sponges, pizza and ice cream. You can even spread it on toast.

‘Kev’s Plums’ contains half the sugar you’d expect from other inferior james but with twice the taste. Experts agree with an overwhelming 96% on Rotten Tomatoes and 8.9 score on IMDB.

Bring life back to the party. Bring your life to life with ‘Kev’s Plums’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsiduary of the Kevindo Menendez food dynasty).