Category: Grim

Avatar Newsboost – No more love songs

Devastating news has been reported from the United Nations after it was decided that, having reached the grand total of one billion love songs, there will be no more after midnight tonight.

When top-charting scuzz pop double act Mozz P released ‘Love Ring’ on streaming services at 9:01am this Monday little did they know how important a song it would end up being. I mean it’s not a great song, in fact it’s pretty awful and degrading to both men and women. I would even go so far as to say it’s less a song and more two idiots shouting, “LOVE RING! LOVE RING!” through an auto-tuner whilst someone else’s music plays in the background. It has, however, been decided that this will be the very last love song ever released and that moving forward no new love songs will be permitted. This may seem like a pretty harsh indictment but when you consider the evidence it makes perfect sense. Jupiter Bromport from the United Nations spoke with our reporter earlier this week.

“There’s too many of them. One billion songs? Are you kidding me?” mused Jupiter Bromport as she sipped a cappuccino from the side of her mouth. “We paid an intern to write an algorithm to work out the percentage of songs in the modern world concerning love and apparently a staggering 94.6% of all songs ever released are about love. We need a little more diversity. Considering the amount of “things” we have today it is strange that people still tend to dwell on the same ideas and notions. Nobody is condoning the universal appeal of love and all aspects of love but would it kill people to maybe write one about a pirate cat or a mud princess swimming in Stockport every once in a while? I personally would love more songs about what happens to your clean washing if you leave it on the floor for too long.”

The news has left several prominent song writers in quite a quandary. Ed Sheeran was seen downing a whole bag of ‘Pick ‘N’ Mix’ all at the same time. He refused to comment and spent over an hour hiding in the bathroom at the Butt and Oyster pub before climbing out the window. Billie Eilish openly protested when she heard the news; she threw a loud and nasal tantrum and then threw a tin of pop over a carousel horse in New York. Reports are still coming in however it has been mentioned that Ariana Grande may or may not have aggressively solved a child’s Rubik’s Cube in downtown Los Angeles. Whether it was to do with the news is still unconfirmed. We are still awaiting official news from Michael Buble and Lionel Ritchie.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. Roger Waters had been working on a new rock opera about the name change when cleaning product giant Jif changed to Cif in December 2000. Since the headlines first hit, his ticket sales have quadrupled, selling out venues all over the UK and Ireland.

Avatar Newsboost – When the mash hits the fan

Plans were unveiled today that will shape the face of mash for the future.

While it is unlikely that there would ever be a shortage, experts today have explained the plan that will be implemented should the worst ever happen. It has taken six months for the problems to be ironed out. We spoke with demi-goth soothsayer Wordell Numbstruck.

“The most agonising part was the font size,” explains Wordell, “as we had a split divide between those wanting to use size 11 font and those who preferred size 12. For an entire month neither side would budge and it was only when some bright spark decided to order in two dozen Danish pastries did the lines of communication open once more. That was a good day.

“We were originally going to use a kind of Doomsday clock however it was put to a vote and a more traditional American Defcon-style gauge was chosen. Counting down the days wasn’t quite the right image for mash. We’re still finalising the official art so we will have to make do with some of my crude sketches:

Level 5 – Mash common state
The world stock of potatoes is plump and bountiful. Mash is commonly available and nobody has any problems trying to get any.

Level 4 – Minus mash
One of the leading potato suppliers (China, India or the Ukraine) is facing difficulties due to a poor harvest or bad stock. Mash can be still be obtained albeit for a slightly higher price.

Level 3 – Mashtronomical
All three leading potato suppliers cannot cough up the goods. Russian, the USA, Bangladesh and Germany are overwhelmed with demands and struggle to keep up. Mash is slightly rarer and prices have skyrocketed.

Level 2 – Mash hysteria
The world is begging for mash and nobody is having any of it. Stocks are gradually diminishing in every single country. You cannot find a potato for love nor money. Black market trading is rife and the other, less popular potato products (chips, boiled and new potatoes, croquettes etc.) are also suffering.

Level 1 – None shall mash!
There are no more potatoes left in the world. Mash is gone forever.

“We want everyone to understand that this is in no way likely to be something that happens in our lifetime or the next at that,” continues Mr Numbstruck, “only that a crisis could happen and should it happen we want to be able to sort it out. This system we’ve created will explain to the powers that be just how severe or negligible the situation is. I am confident that the work we have put into this today will benefit others at the appropriate time. We also have t-shirts available in the gift shop and on our website should anyone be interested.”

Avatar Sad Viennetta

The last time my sister visited from Sweden we went round to my brother’s house, as we always do whenever there’s a family gathering because he has the biggest house. We all brought food and had a general chit-chat. It was the same as it ever was.

It was, that is, apart from Sarah had a mild fascination with eating food from the 1980’s and kept bring it up in conversation. This continued for a while and when the desserts were brought out this included a very sad-looking Viennetta.

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.

“Oh nothing really,” said Sarah, “it’s been in mum’s freezer for a while but other than that it’s fine.”

“Oh. Could I have a bit more information about that? Only the last time we emptied mum’s kitchen cupboards we found food and spices from Safeway which was very disconcerting given that it hasn’t existed since 2005.”

Sarah goes back into the kitchen to check the box which is still lying on the kitchen counter.

“It says…. 2019. But it’s sugar, right? Nothing is going to happen to sugar. You won’t get poisoned or anything.”

Yes, my sister, the doctor, ladies and gentlemen. I did have a small slice out of curiosity and it did taste a bit funky however it was in a way that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. The flavour was there, the ice cream, the wafer-thin chocolate bits, all were present. Still this lingering feeling of uncertainty kept me, and everyone else insane enough to have a bit, from fully enjoying it.

It also had some freezer burn and had to stand for a while before it all fell off.

Mmmmmmm!

Avatar Look at him (but don’t be inspired)

What’s going on here exactly?

Look at this berk. I took screenshots of this from some Twitter advert because it looked ridiculous. This guy is doing all these different kinds of exercises as though it’s supposed to inspire you to “reach goals easily” and “no gym, no problem”. What a waste of time.

I wouldn’t mind so much but for the last month or so this has popped up every other day. This guy needs to take a hint and get outta my viso/volto. My viewing eyes don’t need this kind of visual fungus. I don’t care if you can track progress and keep motivated, I don’t care if you can see visible results in four weeks and don’t think you can tempt me with silly muscular arm emojis.

What worries me most is the disclaimer at the bottom of the video: “The stunts in this video were performed by a trained professional. DO NOT ATTEMPT IT.” Stunts? It? They seem to have such a poor grasp of English that even if I wanted to “hit every single muscle” I wouldn’t trust them to do it given that they can’t even word a disclaimer properly.

I expect you may have already seen it but I wanted to spread the word regardless.

Also, Chris, get a real f*cking job, mate.

Avatar Let’s take a test

Hey you, over there! Stop chugging that chutney and come over here.

You look spritely and young on the outside but how does that compare with your disgusting insides? How can we know that the you within reflects the you without… withunder… outside? That’s right. The only way that you can know how you you are is by taking this short and pointless test.

Aging is compulsory. There is no way round it no matter how many cups of water you drink, how many creams you smear on your face, how many plastic sur’gries you undertake and how many virgins you kill on the first full moon of the month. For each of the below that applies to you add one point to your score and then check your total at the bottom:

  • Getting into / out of a chair emits a noise you didn’t know was possible and you’ve never heard it before.
  • You can’t sit on the floor anymore without struggling to get up.
  • Your neck isn’t comfortable in any position and sounds like a cement mixer when you change angles too quickly.
  • If you sit too long, you feel tired. If you walk too much, you feel tired. If you get the right balance of both, you still feel tired.
  • Trying to step over a moderately-sized fence is akin to trying to push a buffalo into a milk bottle.
  • Drinking any liquids after a certain point in the evening means at least half a dozen trips to the bog in the night.
  • You’ve got more lines on your face that your average Hollywood script.
  • Your hair is more a memory than anything else.
  • People around you at work weren’t born when you were still in Sixth Form.
  • When you hear a song on the radio you like and realise you accidentally put on ‘Smooth’.
  • You now have to check the length of the hair in your ears and nostrils before you leave the house in case they need clipping.

For 0 to 3 points – You’re young, look at you, with your big shoes and your shiny eyes. Get out of my sight, you sicken me!

For 4 to 6 points – So you’re not quite as youthful as you thought you were but hey, we’ve all been there. It could be much, much worse (see below).

For 7 to 9 points – Oh dear, looks as though adult-sized nappies and 7pm bedtimes are on the horizon. Don’t make any long-term plans.

For anything 10 and over – We both knew this from the start. Get your slippers on, grandad, it’s time for your cod liver oil.

Avatar Beans flashback: Chris gives blood

Can you believe that one of the defining moments of my life, and probably of yours too, was ten years ago today? The New Beans didn’t exist back then, so I didn’t record this for posterity as a blog post. The ten year anniversary seems like a good time to put that right.

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