Modern technology

What is the one area of your life that modern technology has yet to change? Which of your household appliances has so far failed to make its way to the twenty first century?

We all know what the answer is, and thankfully Pouring Beans Technology Division is here with the solution. Yes – what you need is a ToiletPhone™.

For the times you run out of toilet roll
For the times the lock on the bathroom door gets stuck
For the times you get lonely while doing a really long wee
For the times you want to call your significant other with a live update on your child’s potty training progress
For the times you need to call your toilet’s technical support line

It’s the new appliance every home needs, and Pouring Beans will deliver and install it for just £996.95.

Call today!

Jetfoil

Every day on my way to work, on the way through the station, I pass a number of disused doorways along a side wall.

It has recently come to my attention that one of them has an unexpectedly thrilling sign above it.

As a result, I have the following questions, and I will not rest until they are answered.

What is a Jetfoil?
Can I have a go on one?
If this is the exit from the Jetfoil, how do I get in?

Please answer quickly because I absolutely will not rest until these questions are answered and I am already quite tired.

Thank you.

Things! Ep. 4 – Petrol Pockets

Around the world, every single day, remarkable people are creating remarkable new things, making their ideas and innovations a reality. And since the start of 2016, Pouring Beans Productions has been sending its reporters out to meet some of those people and catch a glimpse of the exciting inventions that are in development.

In this episode of Things!, Dougie McLaughten meets a man from Banbury who hopes to revolutionise the way we buy petrol and other inflammable spirits.

Things! Ep. 3 – Omnibox

Sometimes it takes a single person of extraordinary vision to show the world what it has been lacking, and in a single moment, change everything. Sometimes that unique talent is a leader, who brings peace and harmony to a divided people; sometimes it is a businessman who can build a global corporation based on benevolence and the improvement of human lives.

Sometimes it’s a man called Henry from Oxfordshire who has invented a box that can do, literally, everything.

In the third episode of Things!, Alan Rudge meets that man and his amazing box.

Kevindo Menendez & Smoochies Inc.

PRESS RELEASE

LEEDS, UK – Internationally renowned design genius, Kevindo Menendez has today, 16/3/16, finally taken the wraps off his new fashion collection for babies developed closely with much respected manufacturer of fancy goods, Smoochies Inc.

The new range, entitled “Baby Looks Good”, is expected to be available for retail distribution from the beginning of April. The range uses key elements from Menendez’s back catalog, such as the ‘CRAB’ and ‘PENGUIN’ motifs and the now legendary artwork commissioned by PouringBeans for their website.

I am very proud to have been a part of the development of this new range. I have always admired Kevindo’s artwork, I actually have several original pieces in my studio at home, and to be able to bring it to the masses in a range which is durable, absorbent and machine washable is greatly satisfying.

Ian McIver, Managing director of Smoochies Inc.

Huh? I just doodled a crab and this bloke brought me some things with it on. Everyone seems really excited by it so I guess it must be good.

Kevindo Menendez, Design Genius

Retaillers or distributors interested in stocking the range should contact Smoochies Inc Directly via the usual channels, quoting ref: S3LL-M3-CR4BS

Things! Ep. 1 – Crumbulets

Pouring Beans Productions continues to be at the forefront of innovation in exciting televisual entertainment. This week, PBP is proud to launch its brand new series, Things!, which meets groundbreaking inventors and discovers how they’ll be changing our lives tomorrow.

In this first episode, Alan Rudge meets Clive, a man from Leeds who is revolutionising the world of food.

Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…

Great idea

A little while ago I went to a place called Southend, which is like a town, but it’s next to the sea, so it’s a kind of sea-town. It’s not actually in the sea, but it’s, like, right next to it.

Anyway, they have a thing called a “pier” which is like a long thin extension of the ground that lets you see what it’s like to walk on the sea without getting wet. I used the “pier” to walk a long way out on the sea and look at what Southend looks like from the middle of the sea. Normally that view would be difficult to look at because I’d be swimming and the water would get in my eyes.

If you stand in the middle of the sea and look at Southend it looks like this:

I started wondering whether this novel “pier” concept could be used in other situations too. Here are some of my “pier ideas”.

Mountain pier. A pier extending outwards from the peak of a mountain, so you can see what it’s like to walk flat from the top of the mountain instead of going down. You could then look at what the mountain looks like from up in the air next to the mountain.
Space pier. A pier that goes upwards instead of outwards, maybe not from Southend, so you can walk into space and look at earth from outside the atmosphere.
Desert pier. A pier that goes over the desert because the desert is very hot so if you could walk on a pier instead you wouldn’t burn your feet on the hot sand and also it would be a bit higher up so there might be a nice breeze.
Underwater pier. Like a pier on the sea, but under the sea, so people who want to walk in the sea instead of on top of it can have a nice flat surface to walk on.