Dear Beans… My Late Lucid Literary Lamentation

Dear Beans,

For some reason, which clearly escapes me, everyone on this website absolutely, positively hates my books. With a passion. With more than a passion. With big arms and a scowl.

Having sold eight million copies of ‘Running Away: The Me Within Me (Not You)’, I was expecting a certain level of praise and a huge dollop of respect for having conquered the literary world and the New York Bestsellers List for approximately seventeen weeks. What met me, however, was the kind of despair and ridicule best reserved for X Factor contestants who couldn’t get through Boot Camp.

I don’t understand. My book received several 5 star reviews and a glowing report from both Richard and Judy and also, Chris’ favourite, Su Pollard. So where does the venom lie? Is everyone jealous of my success, my fame, my bingo trophy?

I can only hope that my new book ‘Two Pumps and a Squirt – The Kevin Hill Story’ will seek to rectify the problems everyone has with my expressive and hugely successful way of writing.

Yours faithfully

A Sensual Awakening: Two Word Reviews

Everything gets reviewed these days, from mobile phones to toilet cleaners, so it seems only fair that The Papples latest body of work should be included.

Sarah and I sat down this fine evening to give ‘A Sensual Awakening’ a good going over, and decided that rather than use lots of words to accurately convey how we felt about each song, we’d do a two word review.

From Us.

To You.

Beans Christmas Raffle!

Hi all, welcome, welcome. It’s that time, not that time again because we haven’t done it before, but that time! Time for the Beans Christmas Raffle!

And boy do we have a doozy of a 1st Prize for you… One lucky winner will* win Chelmsford!

chelmsford-sign chelmsford-shirehall chelmsford-bridge

That’s right, the City of Chelmsford is the county town of Essex. It is located in the London commuter belt, and is just 32 miles north east of Charing Cross, and, get this, only 22 miles from Colchester! Once you win this fabulous new city, you will be in charge of a population of approximately 110,000! Think of what you could do with that.

Second prize will* be a Yardley Tac Set from Boots.

Third Prize is** a tin of Pinapple chunks!

Ooooooooooooh! Exciting isn’t it. 10 Tickets are yours for only £10.10 send you money now to:

Beans Christmas Raffle
Pouring Beans Estate
The Internet
PC1 1PC

* won’t
** isn’t

Black Sunday

Here at the Beans we are not prepared to jump abroad whatever flashy trashy spur of the moment, king for a day, soup du jour bandwagon everyone else is desperately trying to hoist themselves onto. No. What we stand for is dignity, truth and ultimately originality.

So this gives me great pleasure to unveil a list of special, rare, only available for one moment items on this very blackest of Black Sundays. Feast for eyes on these sweaty mommas:

Lense Catcher

Such a marvel. What we have here is a stylish plastic container specifically designed to look after your eyes. It oozes desirability and can be filled with water and used to cool your finger tips. This will certainly be the talking point of any fancy dinner or soiree you decide to host. Can also be used as a training potty for very small animals; £499.99.

Bus Pigeon

The Bus Pigeon, or Le pigeon de l’arrêt de bus as it is sometimes known, is only known to surface one day of the year. It you can catch it then it will bring you good luck and fortune, and it also increases your ability to play both Connect 4 and mini golf. Sleek and modern, a veritable treasure trove of danger and beauty; £999.99.

Street Literature

This edition of the Argos catalogue is now so rare that only the CEO has a copy. It features a cartoon of all the financial directors laughing at everyone who buys their items full price when they could easily get them from Amazon for a third of the cost. There’s a rumour Bobby Costanzo has a framed copy hovering above his midnight toilet; £4,999.99.

Act now!!

One per person per household per county per country per kingdom.

What the Chuff?

Just what is going on here?

If you think you have the answer then please feel free to comment below. The best answer will win a bag of salted shandys, or some strawberry laces.

The Beans Baby Boutique

UPDATE: The Cow Illuminator has now sold out. Further stock is expected within the following month but keep an eye on our updates and more information will be posted in due course.

Now, babies eh? They’re all over the place; literally. They are literally all over the place because there’s so many of them. They don’t know what they’re doing, so they expect YOU to be able to work it out for them. Most people think babies are just plain lazy and there is some truth to that statement. Still, you can’t expect them to know great fashion when they see it. That’s why they come to you and that’s why you come to us.

Here on the Beans Shopping Network we have a very limited run of exclusive baby items from the new ‘Kevindo Menendez’ baby line. The Menendez name has been bandied about quite a lot over the last twelve months. In fact, you can barely walk along the high street without seeing his face on a magazine or his viso/volto build into an impressive horticultural montage. Kevindo is such a recluse that many have questioned his very existence. We here at the Beans Shopping Network are therefore here to prove that he is very much a real person by offering you the chance to purchase some magnificent infant merchandise created using his inspirational drawings.

Not only do we have babygrows but we also have blankets and bags with those classic Menendez illustrations you instantly think of when someone mentions his name. You can be the envy of all your friends and enemies when you start flashing around these sweet babies. What is Shoshana in accounting going to think when she sees you swinging your brand new Penguin (TM) tote bag? How will Mitch, who walks your dog on a Wednesday, contain himself when he catches a glimpse of tiny babygrows adorned with the Crab (TM) visage? I’m not going to put words in your mouth but I can imagine that they will be cacking something into their newly washed undergarments.

These are in such small supply that there’s a very good chance that before you’ve finished reading this article that we will have sold out. So don’t delay, pick up that phone and order fourteen as soon as you can.

Next, would you like an extra three arms? With Chanton Blemishes’ new invention, there’s a slim chance you may…

Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…

The “That’s Not Trevor Eve” Game

There’s not a person alive who doesn’t like Trevor Eve. I mean what is there not to like? He’s been in everything from ‘Murder She Wrote’ to ‘Waking the Dead’ to ‘Ivana Trump’s For Love Alone’ (I must admit that the last one has escaped my attention but Amazon seem to have an alarming number of copies in stock). What does the world need? It needs a game that incorporates the best elements of Trevor Eve. It needs the “That’s Not Trevor Eve” game.

Players

2 to 4

Equipment

A television
A program with Trevor Eve in
Shots (optional)

What To Do

Turn the television on and switch to the channel that the program with Trevor Eve in is on. You must ensure that it is a program that doesn’t just have Trevor Eve, such as his one man stage production of Eve: A Trevor Eve Musical. That won’t work. Whenever someone who isn’t Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s not Trevor Eve!” as loud as possible. Whenever Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s Trevor Eve!” at the top of your voice. You may also take a shot after every acknowledgement of Trevor Eve providing you have previously uttered the aforementioned notification.

The game ends when the program ends and Trevor Eve no longer has a chance of popping up on the television. The person who has noticed Trevor Eve the most wins.