Category: Newsboost

Avatar Newsboost – Mash gets a helping hand

Breaking news!

The push for mash has reached a new level of excitement today as Aston Villa football club announced that mash would be their new sponsor for the 2023/24 season.

Current sponsor BK8 were left “baffled” at the prospect of being dropped for a popular potato-based food product. It seems as though despite their initial talks to continue for the next three years, Aston Villa manager Unai Emery decided to opt for the underdog after revealing he has a fondness for mash in a recent interview earlier this year.

In the January 2023 edition of GQ magazine, Mr Emery said, “I love it, I love the taste and the texture, the different ways you can season and flavour it, the way it looks on your plate after a hard day’s training, the fact that you can shape it into anything you want. It is such a versatile thing that I insist on mash at least three or four times a week and my wife knows that if I have had a difficult day then mash is the one thing that will bring a smile to my face.”

The British Mash Council (BMC) had this to say about the recent development.

“I am not surprised in the slightest,” said head council member Kevin Hill, “mash has always been popular but it’s time to step it up to the next level. Knowing that every week the good word of mash will be seen on millions of TV sets, seen my millions of eyes, brings joy to all of our hearts.  Mr Emery has also expressed an interest in serving mash at the home games and who are we to argue with someone with great taste?”

When asked about the rumours of changing the team’s name to Mashton Villa, both Unai Emery and the British Mash Council responded with a firm, “no comment.” Only time will tell if further changes are afoot for this historic moment in football and mash history.

Avatar Newsboost – Margaret Malfunction

Crisis in the world today as the World Margaret Organisation launches counterattack against the virtual virus spreading through the nations.

Through general word of mouth as well as a fitting and rather catchy song, the expression, “Stick it up your Margaret” has swept through the population like Romans at an orgy. We’ve seen everything from Tik Toks to vox pops, viral videos, memes and more tweets than a batch of fresh hens. Most people see it as a fad that will fade into obscurity within a few months however those who have been on the receiving end of it have not been able to take it in quite the same way.

As with most things, certain people have taken it a step too far. Leader of the World Margaret Organisation, Margaret Margarine, explains.

“It started off as something quite tame and within a few weeks has turned into something revolting and puerile. We’ve had reports of other Margarets being harangued in the streets by random passers by, heckling them with threats of sticking things up them. Now I’m not opposed to having someone wear me like a mink glove but only in the right context. The many Margarets in not only this fine nation but also further afield are being bullied and it’s just not on.”

Reports of “Margaret misalignment” as some experts are calling it have increased two thousand per cent since the beginning of January, helped by the popularity of social media platforms and general human silliness.

“Our dedicated helpline,” Margaret continues, “is available 24/7 for those who wish to document these instances to help the police round up those responsible. There haven’t been many arrests so far yet I am confident that as long as us Margarets stick together we will make it through this!”

During the early hours of the morning, the World Margaret Organisation issued a press release which reiterated these comments but also struck back with a sign of retaliation not expected. The WMO have written not one but two of their own jingles, “Slide it back to Colin” and “Bunty’s got your number.” A third effort entitled, “Force it up your Richard” was deemed too racy and dropped at the last minute.

The Dynasty of Colins and the Bunty Bouquet are yet to comment.

Avatar Newsboost – Blockbusters is back!

Sensational news today as it was revealed that 80’s stellar gameshow ‘Blockbusters’ is due to come back sometime in Autumn 2021.

A picture of the new set was unveiled on Twitter, Instagram, Faceplace and other social media sites for all to peruse with your various eyes, perusing or otherwise. Not a lot was disclosed but you can clearly see the memorable game board showing the letters in the background. There has been a change of colour, a lick of paint if you will, from the traditional yellow and blue colour scheme of the original.

The new set in all its glory

Yes, whilst follow-up versions were released with different presenters on different channels it was decided that nobody really cared about them. A poll last year showed that 87% of the viewers generally couldn’t give a fuck and so a massive two-fingered salute was erected in a warehouse in Coventry. You can read our article on this using the link below.

Sadly since the tragic loss of Bob Holness in 2012 it has meant that ITV Studios has had to recast and scout for a new presenter. The identity is still a closely guarded secret so we will all have to wait until September for the big big big reveal. It will be a big reveal.

Current odds show Gary Wilmot at 20/1, Sara Cox at 10/1 and our very own Smidge Manly at 100/1. I know where my money is going.

Stay tuned for more information.

Avatar Pig news

I know you’ve been waiting for it, so here is the latest news from this month’s Bordon and Whitehill Parish Council Newsletter.

‘The Bordon Pig’, who is called Holly, escaped from Hollybrook Mobile Farm on 3 January 2021. 100s of hours have been spent by a small dedicated team from the community, led by Cllr. Tina Strickland and William Dadley, to ensure her safe return to her family and friends. After 52 days being at large she is now home safe and sound. Thank you to all those who assisted in returning her home.

Unfortunately we still don’t know how a “mobile farm” can possibly exist, but we’ll bring you more news on that when we have it.

Avatar Newsboost – Hill Ham Hurrah

Here at Newsboost we have been granted exclusive access to Kevin’s new kitchen worktop and, in my humble opinion, especially one which knows sod all about quartz, it’s a bit of a something special.

We were also granted an exclusive interview with the man himself.

News berk: So what do you think?
Kevin: I think it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Ian had to loan me some of his spare eyes so I could gaze at the glaze a little bit more.
News berk: After all the time you spent getting it right, was it worth it?
Kevin: Absolutely. 105 days it may have taken, I may have lost most of my hair and destroyed the neighbouring village in my frustrations but it’s over now.
News berk: What do you intend to use the kitchen worktop for first? What’s top o’ the worktop to-do list top?
Kevin: I’m going to lay out a chaise lounge of cheeses for the kids and some very sensual cakes for me and the wife. It’s going to be a great night.
News berk: What advice would you give to any other aspiring kitchen worktop enthusiasts out there?
Kevin: Don’t do it.

Avatar Newsboost – Hunderground Housing cHaos

Controversial prime minister candidate in waiting and all round news buffoon Tub Barsley is causing further commotion down the food chain with his unusual and somewhat illegal approach to affordable housing in the UK.

Even though his constituency is based in the South of England, around the corner from Canterbury, his recently-drawn up plans are for a number of flats and houses in the North-East. It appears as though the urgency for finding new land to build properties on has caused builders and politicians to think outside the box. That said, even Local Authorities are questioning Mr Barsley’s proposed underground scheme.

“I really don’t see what the problem is,” blustered Tub Barsley in a press conference on Monday. “My good friend Church Bollywoggan, the conservative MP for North Tyneside, asked me for help with the issue of housing “up there” and it made perfect sense that if there is no land to build on the surface then the only solution is to go down there. Think about it; you’re closer to the earth’s core therefore it’ll be warmer and the heating bills will be less. The sewerage smells can always be masked by Glade plug-ins. I am one hundred per cent behind this; I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”

Mr Barsley, whilst clearly completely off his rocker, clearly has not taken into account the health and safety aspect of building flats in the centuries old sewer system of England. In addition to how the Council would be able to keep these clean enough for people to live in, there is also the complications of rat infestations and the prospect of walking out in the morning to find a turd floating past your front door. These points were further pressed on Mr Barsley.

“As with any housing project there will be quandaries that need to be overcome. I am merely the muse, the idea manager who wants this cherished flower to bloom so that those people who need a place to stay have somewhere that is in the area they already live and, ultimately, is affordable within their limited income,” said Tub Barsley, owner of three houses in London, two ostentatious holiday cabins in Devon and a luxurious flat over in the South of France.

When asked the last time it was that Mr Barsley visited the North-East of England, he remarked that he had seen it on a map “within the last few years”.

Avatar Newsboost LATE EDITION – ‘Fat Ankles’ Strikes Again

Residents in the North-West part of England are under threat once again from the notorious local graffiti artist, Fat Ankles.

Photos obtained from a reliable source show the mysterious tagger going at various walls in the loveliest parts of Lytham St Anne’s. They had previously been spotted in areas of Preston, Blackburn and Kirkham, and seem to strike at random rather than following some kind of sensible pattern.

Members of the Local Authority are baffled by the exploits of the graffiti artist because no matter how many security cameras they put up they are still without any footage of the damage being done.

“It’s unusual to say the least,” rambled Audrey Rampart, head of the local police constabulary. “This person or persons leave no trace of ever being there apart from the aforementioned message of ‘Fat Ankles’. I mean, are they having a go at everyone with fat ankles or do they call themselves ‘Fat Ankles’? It’s not a great nickname by any stretch of the imagination. If it were me, I would use something much more imaginative like ‘Anal Jumper’ or ‘Florida Cottage Ski Jump’. Now those names are eye-catching.”

As well as the diverse locations of graffiti, there are no consistencies when it comes to font, font colour or punctuation. Sometimes they use capital letters, other times the message is entirely in lower case. Once it was even attempted with numbers with a ‘FAT ANK135’, written on the garage door of Barney Botham’s Limousine Rides and More, a profitable business from Blackpool, with no explanation for doing so.

It seems as though the rampage, if you can really call it that, will continue unless someone can step in and put a stop to the whole affair. You can bet that it won’t be Audrey Rampart. “I once did a stakeout and fell asleep five minutes in. Caffeine makes me sleepy rather than keeps me awake. I woke up the next morning with a coat hanger in my hair and glitter on my teeth. It wasn’t even really a stakeout, we don’t do those in this country. I was sat waiting for the drive-through at McDonalds to quieten down.”

If you have any information which may assist the police, please send it to the police.