Category: Newsboost

Avatar Newsboost – The Unexpected Return of Perry Chuffin

The world is reeling from the shocking and unexpected return of one of the most successful crooners of the 1980’s.

Award-winning one man laundromat Perry Chuffin is rumoured to not only be touring across the world in 2017 but also that not one but three new albums are expected by this time next year. The details are sketchy, and mainly come from a tall woman in a very quiet room about three miles away. Most importantly though if this is correct then it will mean an end to the self-imposed exile that Chuffin brought upon himself just after the turn of the century.

Chuffing retired in 2003 after almost three decades in the business, citing exhaustion and a general lack of distrust for the general public. He has rarely been seen outside of his multi-million dollar mansion, located on the cusp of Morley, West Yorkshire, except on occasional trips to the local Spar for lightbulbs and sandwich bags.

Chuffin’s manager, Drippy Peptide, has refused to comment at present although a full statement is expected to be issued by his management team after the Christmas period. Even though he has missed the lucrative festive market, the demand for a follow-up record to his quadruple platinum selling album ‘Hold Your Horses’ released in 2002 is so high that fans have pre-ordered this before it has even gone on the open market.

More news will follow as we hear it.

Avatar Newsboost – Showbiz Exclusive: Double Bugger

Having finally confirmed that they have been working together, Smidge Manly and Nizzle granted Newsboost an exclusive interview earlier today to discuss their project.

I met them in the swanky surroundings of “Horace’s Cafe”, a favorite hang-out of Smidge’s in the small of Worsbrough just south of Barnsley. As we sat there on the yellow and brown vinyl chairs, I could see from the excited looks on their faces that they had something big to announce.

“Right, so then. We’ve been working on this thing you see. It’s long since been a dream of mine to put out an album, you know, a load of tracks on one disc. Anyway, I wanted it to be my versions of what I think are the greatest songs in the history of music. I bumped into Nizzle here at a charity gala to raise money for the starving herons of North Yorkshire, and we got chatting. After a few shandies, we decided to make it happen, and that’s how Double Bugger came about”

Smidge Manly

Nizzle, as he is well known for, said nothing throughout the whole time we were there and only looked up from his full english to wave at the waitress for more sugar to go in his tea.

We chatted for about an hour and by the end of it, (largely because I offered to pay for the breakfast) I had secured a world exclusive first play of the promo reel for the new album. I hope you enjoy it.

Download it HERE.

Avatar Newsboost – Showbiz Rumor Mill

Over in that there showbiz land, rumors are floating about that Legendary music producer Nizzle has been in pre-production meetings with none other than PB’s own Smidge Manly.

Nobody is really sure what the secret project could turn out to be, but the pair collaborating on an album would seem to be the likely outcome.

Showbiz land reporting scumbag Barney Gristle, recently found a discarded USB stick when he tripped and fell gloved hands first into Nizzle’s trash can. He claims contains early drafts of the pairs’ work. Newsboost has a secured a world wide exclusive reveal of a clip, right here:

I think we can all agree that this is truly exciting news.

Avatar Newsboost – Rowdy Roland Rat Tumble Rumble Roundhouse

NEWS JUST IN!

Roland Rat has fallen down a manhole into the sewer close to his home near Stepney Green.

We have received a report that eighties megastar Roland was enjoying a mid evening jog with fellow tv personality Kevin the Gerbil when he lost his footing and accidentally dropped through the ground into the murky depths below.

Roland Rat shot to fame after discovering he was a puppet and children have a short attention span. Before long he was gracing everything from television to lunch boxes to a really terrible game on the ZX Spectrum.

Rat’s mansion is rumoured to be the second-largest in the whole of the UK, closely behind Mr Chang and his up until recently ever expanding home improvements centre. It also has ten times, or tice, as many toilets as the number in Chris and Elena’s new flat.

The BBC have a newscopter hovering over the manhole and George Alla… George Allegeyah… George Alegra… Nicholas Witchell is being lowered on a rope to interview him.

More to follow as the action happens.

Avatar Newsboost – Bonkers Book Burning Bonanza

Firefighters were called in to deal with a violent blaze in the North East of England this evening.

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We have received a report that the Loinsford Memorial Publishing House, which opened only within the last couple of months, is on fire yet again after three previous blazes were started in November and December 2015. The raging inferno is currently being contained thanks to the efforts of the local fire brigade.

The culprits and how the fire started are still unknown at this present time and the owner of the building is yet to comment. The Loinsford Memorial Publishing House was responsible for the current bestseller ‘Running Away: The Me Within Me (Not You)’ by bewildering chowder head muffin brain Ian “Running out of Leg Jazz” McIver.

Three hundred thousand copies of that particular book were said to have been lost in the flames.

Avatar Newsboost – National State of Emergency

David Cameron was pulled out of a meeting with Slovak prime minister Rovert Fico earlier this week to address the worrying concerns of a growing number of residents in the North of England. Mr Cameron has yet to comment on the crisis but it has been confirmed that he has cancelled all subsequent engagements for the remainder of this week to focus on the problem. His worried face and damp forehead were enough to confirm just how serious the matter was; the Gasgoignes in Garforth was practically empty on a Friday night.

Our two correspondents who were there on 19th June quickly passed on the information which filtered through to No. 10 in the early hours of Monday morning.

It was approximately 11pm, a time which should have seen drunken youths and self-tanned middle-aged locals swarming around the place like locusts over a corpse. Previous evenings have seen up to ten minutes passing without service at the bar. This particular evening was so quiet the lights were already on and bar staff were cleaning up for the day after. The four aged women in the corner left shortly after. The remaining patrons were a small party near the dining section, including children, and our intrepid reporters. The situation was so dire only one round was bought before exiting.

The last time was also particularly worrying as the entire establishment was closed before they even arrived.

Mr Cameron is expected to address the media before the weekend with a disaster management plan which will more than likely set up a three stage recovery system, possibly beginning with cheap shots up to 10pm and a free adult bouncy castle until closing.

Speculation is rife as to the reason for the lack of business. One can only hope that the disaster management plan reacts quickly enough to prevent any further catastrophe.

Avatar Newsboost – Quantum Quo Quandary

“Legendary” rock and roll outfit Status Quo have had their 2013 film ‘Bula Quo!’ banned in the United Kingdom for being just too funny.

Originally the BBFC were planning to issue every copy of the DVD with a health warning that should you attempt to watch the film in one sitting you may struggle to cope with the sheer level of hilarity and should have the emergency services on standby. This was upgraded to a full frontal banning however after it was revealed that several members of the public have been admitted to hospital following recent viewings of the film.

Indeed having conquered the musical world it was only a matter of time before the band moved onto other exploits. “‘Bula Quo!’ is and still remains one of the most well-received, well-loved and financially successful British films of all time” admits Chancel Boxridge, senior executive at the BBFC, “beating ‘Skyfall’ by a cool one hundred million pounds at the box office thanks to it’s amazing mix of well-timed comedy and thrilling set pieces. That said though we cannot allow it to remain available to the general public, especially those with weak dispositions as it could easily bump off a third of the population within its ninety minute running time.”

Following the announcement, copies of the film have been exchanging hands on eBay for up to two hundred and fifty times their original price. We attempted to procure a copy only to be outbid by a septuagenarian in Wales.

Police were despatched to a man’s garage in Stockport yesterday only to discover illegal screenings of the film taking place up to five times a day. Several people were reported out of breath and very red around the cheekal area; nine were taken to hospital and three were arrested for attempted manslaughter.

If you are or have ever been anywhere near this film we strongly urge you to move away now.