I’ve been asked to be on the panel for some job interviews tomorrow, which will be a first for me. (This is at work, not just randomly by some bloke in the street, you understand.) I will be one of three interviewers grilling prospective candidates for a job in my department.

Having never done this before, I thought it was best to prepare in advance, so I’ve spent some time researching interview techniques and writing questions. I thought I’d share them with you now. Obviously, if you’re one of the people who will be attending interview tomorrow, please don’t read them.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
   This question is about power. It destabilises the candidate immediately, and establishes my position as the “alpha”. Ideally I will not actually let them finish their answer before moving on.
2. You think you’re good enough to work here do you?
   While the candidate attempts to answer this question I will avoid taking notes, and will instead attempt to stare them down.
3. Imagine the Queen is on a state visit to our office. She approaches and asks you to make a custom mains cable for her in our workshop, which has a standard UK 13 amp plug at one end and a pair of crocodile clips at the other end. She says she’s going to use it on “traitors”. The cable will be double insulated but not earthed. What are the safety, legal and employment implications of this situation? How would you answer her?
   As a follow up question, ask whether the double insulation makes it a Class I or Class II device for PAT testing purposes. Ask also if their response would be any different if the Queen intended to use the cable on “horses”.
4. As a new employee your most important task will be making drinks for everyone. Tell me about a situation where you had to take a large and complex drinks order, and what you did to ensure there were no mistakes.
   If the answer to this one is too confident, try slowly shaking head while the candidate speaks.
5. Do you have any questions for us?
   Should the candidate attempt to actually ask us anything, sternly remind them that this was a yes or no question.

My approach to this process is based around the fact that, should anyone I interview get a job and then turn out to be a waste of space, I will be responsible. I will therefore be aiming to slam the door in everyone’s face to make sure none of them get in on my watch.

Good luck to everyone who has applied.