Category: VERY IMPORTANT

Avatar New Job Celebration

About a month ago Elena got a new job and, as you may remember, we decided we should celebrate it here on the Beans. Unfortunately, due to the hectic posting schedule we work with, and the huge backlog of important information that must be posted to the site, we have only just found time to fit it in.

So here we are with our celebration of Elena’s new job. Let’s get some facts from The Fact Penguin.

Behold The Fact Penguin

The Fact PenguinWe asked The Fact Penguin these questions and it offered the following entirely factual answers.

  • What is the new job?
    The new job is unstupiding children. Children are idiots.
  • Where is the new job?
    The new job is near Orpington, which is a place that evidently has a problem with stupid children that needs to be addressed.
  • How much money will Elena earn?
    Elena has signed a contract that guarantees her a weekly income of at least eight (8) London pounds, which at current exchange rates is equivalent to approximately ninety seven thousand Newcastle pounds.

After answering these questions The Fact Penguin indicated that we had reached the limit of questions for today, as specified in his contract, and decided to go for a swim. Please do not ask The Fact Penguin any further questions.

Champagne and low-cost nibbles will be served in the Banqueting Hall from 6 this evening. (The Banqueting Hall can be found at the far end of the lower ground floor picture gallery from the “Things” page of the website.) Please wear black tie so that The Fact Penguin does not feel overdressed.

Avatar Modern Life is Confusing

So… there’s nothing quite like the English language. It can manipulated and distorted in so many ways that what it resembles now is completely different to how it was a hundred, fifty, even twenty years ago.

That said, sometimes innovation does not happen overnight. You have to allow it to simmer for a while. It will bubble to the surface to get your attention when it is ready to do so. Don’t rush it, for the love of Buster Keaton! I was recently scouring the internet to look for a birthday present for my godson and instead stumbled over this.

Ladies and gentleman, let me present you with a link to the Animal Pig:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B013PX3XYI

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Animal Pig you should know two important things:

  1. This pig is an animal
  2. This animal is a pig

Note how the two facts are very similar but also very different at the same time. I had gone looking for a present and alternatively received an education in how to refer to modern animals.

Now when I am on my way to a farm I can look forward to seeing the Animal Cows, the Animal Chickens and the Animal Goats. If I’m heading to a zoo I can feast my eyes upon the Animal Elephants, the Animal Giraffes and possibly, if they’re not too busy, the Animal Tigers.

I’m already working on a FUN leaflet for my nieces to explain that we’ve been doing nature all wrong and that we have to shift with the times otherwise we’ll just look simple.

In one sense, why did no-one tell me this sooner?! In another, awww, pigs.

Avatar Things Euston Square Station is not, No. 71: a badger

If you’ve been keeping up with the news lately, you’ll have seen that (despite the previous 70 episodes in this informative series) there is still huge uncertainty among the British public about whether Euston Square Station is or is not certain things.

We have, of course, ruled out a range of things that Euston Square Station might have been in previous episodes, including a tray of condiments and relishes, Weston-Super-Mare, a pencil sharpener and a slightly aggravated North American Peregrine Falcon. But one question continues to vex the nation: is Euston Square Station a badger?

Thankfully, we are able to put this question to rest once and for all. A visit to the station itself, and close inspection of the station sign, reveals the answer.

Euston Square Station is not a badger.

If you’re unsure whether or not Euston Square Station is or is not something, you can write to this address for a factsheet:

Things Euston Square Station Is Not
Room 4000
PBP Television Centre
Pouring Beans
The Internet

Avatar Current Investigations

Have you seen this man?

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The relevant authorities are currently looking for the suspect due to his possible involvement in the recent fires at the Jerry Loinsford Memorial Publishing house.

Referred to only as Kevindo Menendez to both friends and work colleagues, the suspect has on occasion, which is putting it lightly, been known to undertake various lengthy and overwhelming construction work to his current accommodation.

Even though his poodle grooming salon failed and ultimately closed several years ago, Mr Menendez, pictured here enjoying the benefits of traffic light jelly, has had recent success with his line of baked beans.

The suspect has not had any prior involvement in any incidents of arson, however several comments regarding the owner of the publishing house and his award-winning books and personality have placed him directly at the front of the authorities’ enquiries.

If you know the whereabouts of this reprobate, please contact someone wearing shoes.

Avatar A Sensual Awakening: Two Word Reviews

Everything gets reviewed these days, from mobile phones to toilet cleaners, so it seems only fair that The Papples latest body of work should be included.

cover_only

Sarah and I sat down this fine evening to give ‘A Sensual Awakening’ a good going over, and decided that rather than use lots of words to accurately convey how we felt about each song, we’d do a two word review.

From Us.

To You.

Read More: A Sensual Awakening: Two Word Reviews »

Avatar Beans Christmas Raffle!

Hi all, welcome, welcome. It’s that time, not that time again because we haven’t done it before, but that time! Time for the Beans Christmas Raffle!

And boy do we have a doozy of a 1st Prize for you… One lucky winner will* win Chelmsford!

chelmsford-sign chelmsford-shirehall chelmsford-bridge

That’s right, the City of Chelmsford is the county town of Essex. It is located in the London commuter belt, and is just 32 miles north east of Charing Cross, and, get this, only 22 miles from Colchester! Once you win this fabulous new city, you will be in charge of a population of approximately 110,000! Think of what you could do with that.

Second prize will* be a Yardley Tac Set from Boots.

Third Prize is** a tin of Pinapple chunks!

Ooooooooooooh! Exciting isn’t it. 10 Tickets are yours for only £10.10 send you money now to:

Beans Christmas Raffle
Pouring Beans Estate
The Internet
PC1 1PC

 

* won’t
** isn’t

Avatar A Sensual Awakening

Details of the Papples’ forthcoming fifth studio album have just been released by the group’s vast publicity machine. Fans are eagerly awaiting the new release, which was apparently recorded last month and is undergoing final mastering and production work.

The cover and track list have been made available, and we can exclusively reveal them here on the Beans.

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There are twelve tracks, though no word yet on which will be the lead single.

  1. Good Invention
  2. Captain’s Hat
  3. 10/10
  4. Leg Jazz
  5. Run With It
  6. Instrumental
  7. Dirty Work
  8. You Can’t Clean a Sieve
  9. Ghosts in the Microwave
  10. Kerfuffle
  11. Tigerplane vs Chickencopter
  12. Swamp Hospital

The band have described this as a “concept album”, describing the tragic life of a reclusive genius. Legendary producer Nizzle is rumoured to have been involved throughout the album’s creation.