Dear Beans,
It has recently come to my attention that I may have been a little hard on something that has always caused trouble in my life. I have my reasons, believe me, this isn’t something that I have plucked out of thin air. Looking back on my behaviour I am a little ashamed; I suppose everyone makes mistakes and the only way to learn is by making them. That said, how can anyone like 3/4 length trousers?
They’re ridiculous. They look like you tried cutting the trousers to make a pair of shorts and gave up halfway through. They look as though you’re wearing ill-fitting clothes. Who’s bright idea was to sell someone an item of clothing that is missing a part of it? What kind of person does this appeal to?
That was how I used to think, the malice lurking underneath the top soil, the brazen hatred seething through the pork vestibule. It’s not as though my wife ran away with some trousers and I have spent the rest of my life resenting the whole lot of them. Whole lot of them, wow, it’s talk like that that made me sound like a trouser racist.
I am doing my best to move on. This is less a plea for help and more an admission of guilt in the hope that by doing so I can exorcise some of the more harsher criticisms that I have levelled at those so-called “missing trousers”. Human nature is so broad that it can cover a wealth of topics. The only explanation why I shied away from them for so long, that I ranted until hot steam poured out of my ears, is because if I did try to wear them it would expose the tattoo of Pam St Clement (aka Pat Butcher from ‘Eastenders’) at the base of my leg. I don’t want people knowing that I have it; my love is a secret kind of love.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I’m going to omit parts of my name so you don’t know who I am.
Yours faithfully
*evin *ill
14 comments on “Dear Beans… Trippin’ over Trouser Tribulations”
Nope. Not me. I’d never reference Pork Vestibules.
You have to watch out for trouser tribulations. If you find yourself tripping over them you need to watch your step, perhaps by mounting LED bicycle lights on your toes.
I once tried to watch my step. It really hurt my neck and I walked into a lamppost.
Hmm. That doesn’t sound good. Maybe you’d be better off with a less intensive style of self-monitoring, such as checking yo’ bad self.
Does that involve a mirror? I only have a small mirror so I would only be able to check ma’ bad face self and everything else would have to wait, unless I could individually check every part of ma’ body. That sounds very time-consuming though.
OK, so watching your step is out, and so is checking yo’ bad self. I’m not sure what other kind of checking you could do to keep yourself safe. Maybe you should just have a word with yourself.
I wouldn’t listen, you know what I’m like. Once someone starts yip yapping at me I switch off and start asking questions about time-travelling birds.
This is true. OK then, fire away, and I’ll tell you what I know about avian chronological manipulation.
So when they’re getting ready, how many colours do they take with them?
It depends on the species. Crows take only black and white for obvious reasons. Pigeons and widgeons take primary colours only. The coal tit is the only bird to take purple.
(I almost spat my drink out when I read ‘pigeons and widgeons’)
(Thanks mate. I really enjoyed writing it.)
If a pigeon started travelling at 4:00pm to the future and a widgeon started travelling at 5:00pm to the past, where would they meet for lunch?
(This is beginning to sound like a question from ‘Look Around You’)
It’s a trick question and the answer is 6pm Moscow time.