Dear Zara,
It’s been a while since we last spoke. How are you? What have you been up to? Did you manage to achieve all your hopes and dreams or are you still pissing your life up the wall like the rest of us? Well, whatever it is you are doing to pass the time I hope it is as sweet as a kitten’s smile.
Anyway, the real reason I wanted to get in touch was this:
So what do you think you’re playing at, hmmm? You put your cup on the ground and walked away. There were several bins within the vicinity, well within a five minute walk. In fact whichever direction you chose you would have been close to somewhere you could have disposed of it in the correct way. Hell, you could have left it at my office and I would have sorted it out. By leaving it on the street like an arse you have effectively made yourself an arse forever.
The next time I have spaghetti hoops I will be sure to leave the tin in your garden. When I choose to have a bottle of Jack Daniels to myself I will be throwing it through your living room window. You may think this is too much a punishment for one such tit as yourself however I don’t think it is. I would sooner push you out of a plane thirty thousand feet in the air rather than let people like you walk the same streets as me.
All the best
Ian xxx
25 comments on “Dear Zara”
I wanted to see who you were so annoyed at, so I looked up this “Zara”. Turns out Zara is a Spanish apparel retailer based in Arteixo in Galicia. The company specializes in fast fashion, and products include clothing, accessories, shoes, swimwear, beauty, and perfumes.
I don’t know why a Spanish clothes retailer would leave a cup on the pavement, unfortunately.
Lazy bastard. They’re too busy styling the world to bother to find a bin. I don’t know how he/she can look at his/her face in the mirror after doing something like this.
What I’d like to know is why a major clothing manufacturer and retailer is buying one communal cup of coffee. Surely they can afford a refreshing beverage for every member of staff so that hundreds or possibly thousands of people don’t have to share the same unhygienic cup.
Are you saying that they should leave all of these cups near my office, thus swamping the street with rubbish and clutter, making it difficult for the old and rich to drive their chug machines around the area?
No, I’m just saying it’s a wonder that infections and minor viral conditions aren’t rife among Zara staff. In fact, now I think about it, they might be. I wouldn’t know.
Rife. Rampant. The whole of Zara is rife and rampant with riveting infections.
Gil Chesterton would love saying that.
Rampant with infections? That doesn’t sound like a place I want to buy clothes. I’d catch pox off my new pants. It’s a no from me.
Pox off pants? Cholera off clothes? Legionnaire’s Disease off Billionaire’s Manganese?
I expect it’s a no from me too.
Do you wear a lot of Billionaire’s Manganese?
I’ve always got some stashed somewhere. It’s very fashionable at the moment thus making me right on the fashions.
I’ve turned a corner.
That’s good to know. If I ever decide I need some I’ll tap you up.
I’ve gone in a straight line.
You have to be careful though. Dr Google says that too much Manganese is toxic for the human body. It means I will have to cut back on wearing my full on Billionaire’s Manganese three piece suit; only the jacket and shirt from now on, no trousers.
Not even the waistcoat?
Wait. No. I’d rather you wore the trousers if you’re only wearing one part.
Too late! The trousers are gone and only a pair of non-Billionaire’s Manganese stretchy pants is covering my spindly legs.
Dear god. I’m doing to have to break out my Billionaire’s Manganese blindfold.
Ah, BRISK! It’s good to get it all out and free from the restrictions of modern living and clothing.
Too brisk for my taste. I’ll be in the sensory deprivation tank if you need me.
You should know that when you weren’t looking I pinned photos of Bernard Manning in a thong to the inside of the door. You know, something to look at if you get bored.
Oh god, this isn’t sensory deprivation, this is sensory horror! Where did you even get these?
You know that dark web place? Black site? Rumble trucks?
I got them from there.
#yourewelcome
Rumble trucks? I’ve heard of that. I’ve heard it’s full of Paraguayan hackers selling illegally-obtained realplayer videos of Geoffrey Boycott sunbathing.
… and x-rated photos of deceased racist comedians.
Yes. And those.
I’ve taken the pictures down, by the way, because they were interfering with my sensory deprivation. I put them in the bottom of your underwear drawer.
Thanks mate. I reckon Kev would like them so I’ll slip them under his front door soon enough.