April is truly the most Christmassy month. There are several reasons for that. The first is that it just is. I mean, Christmas happens in December, obviously, but that really just makes the idea of December being the most Christmassy month a bit bourgeois and low-brow. No, April’s right on the fashions. The second reason is the weather – all that blazing hot sunshine that’s turned up in the last few days can’t help but make you feel festive. And the third reason is that it was in April last year that we listened to Mahalia’s Christmas album. (You did listen to it, didn’t you?)
Needless to say, then, this April we’re spinning another yuletide disc. This one is A Christmas Album, recorded in 1967 by Barbra Streisand.
If you remember Mahalia’s festive effort, you’ll recall that she threw a few of her own lyrics into the songs. Barbra could show her a thing or two on that front. Half these songs have whole new verses in them, some of which change the actual meaning of the songs. She’s unable to resist molesting White Christmas, for example, which now has a whole new verse at the start that’s about palm trees in Beverly Hills. Jingle Bells also has a lot of additional stuff in it.
Most of this – barring the first track, which we’ll come back to – sounds like music from a Disney film score, and is nice enough, though Barbra Streisand can’t resist doing a bit of vocal wobbling around all the big notes in a sort of pre-Mariah Carey fashion. The result isn’t my sort of thing, but it’s at least fairly Christmassy.
Let’s see the shape of this thing.
| Track | Word 1 | Word 2 | Word 3 | Word 4 |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Jingle Bells? | Mary | Poppins | meets | Scatman |
| 2. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas | Precisely | what | you | expect |
| 3. The Christmas Song | Taking | liberties | with | melody |
| 4. White Christmas | Bing | hits | Beverly | Hills |
| 5. My Favorite Things | What’s | this | doing | here? |
| 6. The Best Gift | Think | it’s | about | babies |
| 7. Sleep in Heavenly Peace | It’s | just | Silent | Night |
| 8. Gounod’s Ave Maria | Floaty | choral | Mahalia | mush |
| 9. O Little Town of Bethlehem | Ongoing | slow | hymnal | bobbins |
| 10. I Wonder as I Wander | Wonder | what | the | fuck |
| 11. The Lord’s Prayer | Prayer | as | Bond | theme |
Not all of these are actually Christmas songs, and I don’t know if Barbra got away with that when she was up against the average music listener of the late 60s, but I saw straight through it. My Favourite Things is from the Sound of Music, for example, and The Best Gift is, to the extent it’s about anything at all, not about Christmas. I was unable to pinpoint what that song actually was about, though one lyric from the chorus may be a pointer: Streisand sings that “the best gift I’d ever get was sometimes dry and sometimes wet”.
All of this falls into the same familiar Barbra Streisand movie score/soaring vocal camp, with the noticeable exception of Jingle Bells, which mounts a sudden and violent assault as soon as you press play. The tempo has been increased to a point that’s almost ridiculous – “jinglebells jinglebells jinglebells jinglebells” over and over again like some sort of Olympic-level attempt at a tongue twister – until one of Barbra’s new verses arrives, which suddenly and unexpectedly are sung incredibly slowly and softly and with unexpected “boing” cartoon sound effects. I had, literally, no idea what to make of it, but the tameness of the rest of the album was actually unexpected after all that.
In summary, then, my favourite thing about this album is the question mark that has bee inexplicably added to the title of Jingle Bells?. My least favourite thing is that I feel like I’ve just sat through the soundtrack to Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
25 comments on “Four Word Reviews: A Christmas Album”
Every year I made all of my family sit down in my brother’s living room so we can listen to both albums back to back. If anyone makes any kind of noise they are whipped soundly.
You know this album? That’s remarkable. Did you think the cowbell was slightly off key in track 7?
Ha, you fool. There’s no cowbell in track 7. Don’t try and catch me out, noob.
Very well. You win this time. I still don’t think you’ve ever listened to either this or Mahalia, though. I think you’re full of lies. Like a fat man who’s just eaten loads of lies. Or a sort of lie hole into which loads of people have put lies and now it’s full of lies. That’s what you’re like.
You can ponder all you want, Tinkle Chops, but this bird is flying high like the Lighthouse Family.
*snigger* tinkle chops
If you’re going to insult someone you have to make sure you do it in style.
#classy
Do you still wear you special diamond encrusted pinky ring when you go out insulting the masses?
I don’t think he can. Not these days. Not now his pinky is so horribly bloated and engorged with LIES.
A yeast infection and nothing more. My other digits are sitting pretty.
I keep the pinky ring for special occasions, not just for any old riff raff.
It’s not clear to me why you would fill your little finger with yeast. That’s just asking for it to get infected.
He’s got Fib Gout. A rare condition known to affect only the most prolific of liars.
That makes sense. It also explains why he didn’t say that. He was lying about it.
What puzzles me is why he’s going to such lengths to make out that he and his family listen to both Mahalia and this album every Christmas. Why would you want anyone to think that? It besmirches his (moderately) good name.
It does, doesn’t it. He was, wasn’t he.
There’s always the possibility with Ian that it’s true. They’re all bonkers that McIver lot.
There is, isn’t there. They are, aren’t they.
I hope it isn’t true though, don’t I.
I say a lot of things and most of them are not true. That’s a fact.
I do like how I have a (moderately) good name. I expected less of me, and I’m more, so that’s good.
I think your name is a whole lot better now that it’s a name I invented. Look at me.
And then when you’ve looked at me, admit that you’ve never listened to this album, nor have you listened to Mahalia.
What good would that do? How would it change your life to know a different answer? Would it actually seal the deal in a wigwam?
It would begin to rebuild the shattered bond of trust between us.
SHATTERED.
Oh well if it’s in capitals and repeated the second time in the same comment then it must be important.
IMPORTANT.
So are you going to actually answer a question?
I don’t think he is.
IS.
It was a lie. A LIE. A SHAM. A lie of a sham of a fib of a fabricated tiny fission in my brain chunder.
Like with most things that come out of my mouth, it didn’t happen.
Ha! The truth at last. And it only took five weeks.